u/lacey_nightie

I've tried Dienogest, Mirena, Slynd and Orilissa for endo so far. All were disasterous.

Full disclosure, I have been taking BC my entire menstruating life due to severe PCOS. I've taken Yasmin and Diane 35 for years and years with no problems ever.

My gyno wants to take me off estrogen containing BC and antiandrogen meds (eg. Spirolactone) due to fears it will cause my endo to grow. All the pills I used to take were high estrogen dose and antiandrogenic.

Now with progestin only pills + Orilissa, I've been getting disturbing dreams, anger issues and homicidal thoughts.

I have heard of BC pills causing depression and suicidal thoughts. But never anger, irritability and homicidal thoughts????

There are some days where I get the urge to throw things at people. Or drop heavy objects onto people's heads from the window.....or other unspeakable things

And even when I try to control these thoughts in the day, I get disturbing dreams about killing people at night

Granted, I have a laundry list of mental illness and an ACE score of 5. And have been psychotic and attempted suicide. But without hormones, I have never wanted to kill anybody before.

The worst thing is that my doctors don't seem to think it's an issue.....?

I've had my fair share of seriously abusive relarionships (physical, sexual and emotional abuse) and endo did make it much harder to leave or even think about surviving day to day.

My endo back then was milder, I could still push through a work day and have a normal routine. Now I am completely unable to work or even stand/walk for more than an hour. I have stage 3 with DIE and am completely relying on my partner for money, to take me places and get things done. I am currently 100% reliant on my partner for my endo treatment, which currently means my survival.

Back then, I was in such a bad mental state of flight/flight that my pain barely registered. I pushed myself to work, have sex, do whatever to survive. But with my current state, I don't think even that is possible

Today, I was reflecting on the battles I fought to escape and shuddering thinking of what would have become of me if my endo was as bad then as it is for me now.

I am curious if any of you here have stories to share and advice to give?

I am sure at least a few of us here are suffering in silence and would really find something helpful here.

I have stage 3 endo with DIE.

I was just thinking how weird it was that my endo got this bad when I never have real periods due to severe PCOS.

Before birth control, I can confidently say I had less than 10 real periods. Yes, when they did come they were deathly painful and very very heavy, but I just thought it was due to the months of accumulated blood/lining.

I never had a real cycle or any of the hormonal fluctuations that make endo grow.

I was put on continuous BC from age 15 to thin my lining and prevent ovarian cancer from not bleeding. I started skipping the pill free weeks because I hated my periods.

I was basically on endo treatment most of my menstruating life, and it still managed to grow so badly?

And here i am now in my mid 20s with stage 3 endo. Deep lesions inside my bladder and uterus. Been through 2 surgeries and it always grew back.

I am just skeptical about doctors telling me that birth control can stop the growth, or shrink lesions, when it has never done that for me.

Will I just be cut open over and over again?

I was just thinking about this because I've been having alot of fun with makeup recently and I've realised there were many things about my natural face I used to hate before I started playing with how to style them.

I've gotten so much compliments from people once I started adopting my own style of doing makeup, inspired by my own face. I really feel like a customised look adds so much aura and makes your face really memorable.

The self love has also been off the charts as a result. I can't recommend it more.

Here are some examples

My pigmented, two tone lips: I have natural lips that basically ombre from grey brown to fleshy pink. The top color is very cool toned (literally a shade match to Stone by MAC) and the bottom is warm peachy pink.

Used to hate how the brown parts peak out when I wear a sheer lip or light colors.

Now I actually accutuate the melanin with dark lip liner to create the same ombre color pattern with every lipstick I wear. Black or dark red liner with a red lip and cool tone brown liner with pink or gloss.

So much more diamensional than a single color lip, and so chic.

My round monolids: Used to struggle so much with winged liner, and trying to copy white people's eye looks. I can't describe how much I hated my eye shape in the 2010s beauty guru era of graphic liner + cut creases.

Now I just tightline my eyes with kohl. I use alot alot of eyeshadow and get creative with colors but I embrace my natural shape. This really accentuates the roundness and gives my makeup a timeless vintage quality.

I find that eyeliner shapes really give away what time period you come from but following your natural shape avoids that

As I tend to wear cool tone eyeshadow and have skinny brows, I've been told I have a 90s supermodel energy since I started doing my eyeliner the old school way.

Alot of unspeakable things have happened to me in my life but even then,as a kid/teen, I tried my best to remain ambitious and keep anticipation for the future (I had many many aspirations and innocence/stupidity left).

But somewhere around 18 years old, something in me snapped hard and every moment from then on was filled with fear and anxiety. I was unable to keep up the farce. I was unable to sit still or close my eyes and feel peace anymore.

I was basically betrayed and abused by every single person in my life up to that point, family/platonic/romantic. Every type of abuse you can name I've had a taste of it.

At 18, I was financially dependant on my abusive family while I has chronic pain + medical conditions. My only other sibling killed themselves because of my parents and I was constantly fighting the urge to kill myself too.

I got a prestigeous scholarship to study abroad and clung onto an abusive lover to get away from them. It was my dream school, dream course, dream city and everything seemed perfect.

Then the relationship abuse set in. I became more and more anxious, emotionally volatile, unable to focus on class (which was very demanding). I ended up dropping out right before I was going to graduate. I fought hard for my dream degree despite being beat up and violated daily but it wasn't enough to make me pass.

At this point, my will to escape and fight what life throws at me was so thin.

I tried to think about the passion that led me to move and led me to study but it just wouldn't work on my brain. I was just humiliated and tired.

I was a broke immigrant, with crippling chronic pain and mental illness. I didn't have money for therapy or anything. Just worked worked and worked on survival mode to keep myself alive.

I'm not going into detail about what happened between then and now because it is a long story. But i spent many months and years trying to make a safe environment for myself

Cutting off friends, finding new ones, being alone romantically. Forcing myself to go out every week. Saving up money for medical treatment. Becoming emotionally sober and trying to learn from my mistakes

I'm out of work now, in a lavender marriage where I am free to pursue medical treatment for my illness and survive on disability. I still don't have money for professional mental help but what I've done for myself is miles ahead from where I started.

It feels good physically that my diseases are starting to be treated and I am more able to live life now.

Today, I caught myself flirting with the idea of going back to school and finishing that degree I dropped out of.

I made a friend who reminded me of my old interests and has been getting me to talk about the things I was passionate about researching and working on.

I don't know.....I was never capable of thinking this single thought in years

I still face daily nightmares, mental spirals, daily anxiety, being "frozen" but maybe I'm starting to "defrost" just a little bit

I am 2 weeks into my first pack of Dienogest and I genuinely have been unable to leave the house or even run errands. It's a good thing I'm unemployed because I'm sure I would be fired by now.

I have stage 3 endo and DIE diagnosed on MRI. Am waiting for surgery and my gyno is making me trial pills to find me one I can continue with for hormonal suppression post surgery.

So far this is what I am experiencing:

- 24/7 bad nausea, I can't move without dry heaving and I can only barely tolerate liquid foods

- WORSE cramping and pelvic pain (???)

- painful bloating worse than my usual endo belly

- very weird bleeding (solid chunky clots with a bit of liquid spotting)

- suicidal thoughts and involuntary tearfulness for no reason?

- all over soreness in my joints and all over my body, like covid or the flu

- migraines (I never ever get them usually)

My gyno says these are all reported side effects, nothing out of the ordinary and that the pain relief might take months.

I understand that my pain wouldn't be gone in days, but I am literally feeling more pain than without the pill.....like this state is many times more disabling than whatever endo ever did to me......

I've tried Slynd and Mirena also to terrible results too....... I have a history of psychosis and suicide attempts so I am very scared to try chemical menopause, as I've been told the side effects are worse than the pill......

Is there anything else I can try for hormonal suppression post excision? Or is it safe to be on nothing at all??

For context I have always taken estrogen combo pills my entire life without any serious side effects but I have been forced to stop them as every gyno says "it will make my endo worse"......is this really true? Because I feel like progestin only pills have only brought me horrible pain

I am mixed (brown + east asian) and I have monolids + the most pathetic lashes to ever exist. I do love the shape of my eyes (they are very round and doe like), even with the monolid. But my lack of lashes is making me feel so unfeminine and reptile like lol.

I have tried many lash serums and have seen real results from ones with prostaglandins (my fav was a Japanese brand called emaked). But even then, my lashes were not long by any means and I still needed lots of mascara to make them noticable. So I felt it wasn't worth my money (lash serums are expensive!!)

I've been wearing false lashes (light Japanese ones for everyday and heavy mink ones for full glam) everyday for almost a decade. I use DUO striplash glue which is bulletproof.... but I've noticed blank spots along my lashline get bigger and bigger. Probably from damage caused by the adhesives.

So this past year I've been doing only a lash curler and mascara. Shiseido lash curler and Heroine Make or Diorshow mascara. This combo has been a life saver for me. But even when I take utmost care with my routine, I've noticed my lashes starting to fall and the blank spots come back.... and now I'm scared.

My daily makeup is very eye heavy. I love smokey and cool toned eyeshadow and it is basically part of my personal brand at this point. I rarely ever leave my house without makeup and it just feels weird to me to do my usual heavy look and leave my lashes bare

But I've recently been seeing some content, especially from black girls, about "lashless glam" or "no lash makeup". Basically no mascara, no falsies at all.

I am really curious if any of you here incorperate these no lash looks into your regular routine and can give me advice or point me to your favourite influencers or tutorials for this kind of look?

I am a high glam girl in my fashion and grooming and feel like many of these no lash looks are too natural/colorless for my taste. If you know anybody with a glamourous style that I can use for no lash inspiration, I would really appreciate it!!

Also if any of you can give tips on how to heal lash damage or do eye makeup without lash damage that would be really good

Hey I'm posting here because I am thinking of starting strength training at the gym. I am recovering from a severe ED (anorexia), and I was very very underweight at my lowest. I am back in normal range now after months of treatment, but I think all the weight I gained back is fat.

I think in all those years I was restricting myself, my muscles atrophied. I am severely weak now and struggle to even carry groceries or a work bag with a laptop inside myself.

My arms seem normal size now but when you squish it, it's clear it's only bone, fat and loose skin left. Even when I flex.

The problem is that I have very very wide shoulders. I am short at 162cm/ 5ft3 tall and my shoulders are 48cm/19"wide. I also have a very masculine face with high cheekbones and a strong jaw.

It's just not my style to look androgynous or masculine, because I dress extremely feminine and wear alot of makeup. I really don't want to look visibly muscular or bulky.

I actually have very feminine proportions and shape outside of my shoulders. My hip to waist ratio is currently 0.67. And I have large boobs.

It's just that I have very wide shoulders, and a long torso with short legs. Which kind of gives me a "rugby player" silouette.

It was literally this type of "wideness" that triggered my ED in the first place. I really just want to look like a normal woman, but gain more strength and power. I don't even mind muscle definition but no bulk please

I feel like I am in a better place now in terms of body image and I am happy with how I look now, at normal weight. But if I do get bulkier or more triangle shaped, I might crash out lol

I have PCOS/naturally high testosterone and know I can gain muscle quickly if I tried. I was athletic in my youth (not strength training specfically or even in the gym) and had muscular thighs + arms without much effort.

Does anybody have any ideas for exercises and things for me to try? Or do any of you struggle with the same problems?