Complicated relationship with my father.
I just started reading "The Silent Patient" by Alex Michaelids and came across this: "My father’s unpredictable and arbitrary rages made any situation, no matter how benign, into a potential minefield. An innocuous remark or a dissenting voice would trigger his anger and set off a series of explosions from which there was no refuge. The house shook as he shouted."
I relate to this an awful lot. I have a very complicated relationship with my father. He has a drinking problem and whenever he drinks, everything around will turn destructive. And when he is sober, it's quite the opposite- he is loving, kinda calm , approachable (still a patriarchal conservative person, but anyhow manageable). Infact I used to see him sober for over 2 years and everything was good at home. We have dinner together, talk about stuff, his business went okay .it was functioning well. Now he has started drinking again at nights after coming from his shop he owns. I don't really want to be in his vicinity while he is drunk. Anything can make him angry and explode...just like in the book, it could be an 'innocuous remark", a simple gesture, loudness of the voice or even the silence, the phone calls my mom receives from her work, the absence of a tumbler/water in the dining table, sounds of cutlery... anything can make him turn a monster... everything me and my mom do on his presence have to "perfect" "for" him. And it's really scary to be on guard everytime. We have been victims of domestic abuse from him while he was drunk.
Just yesterday, I was chopping vegetables for dish at kitchen . He came home drunk obviously and started giving comments on the vegetables. I said this: "ith njaan cheytholla, pappa poyirik"... that's all I said! The tone wasn't angry, disrespectful, patronizing...it was just neutral. To which he exploded like crazy: "aval enod maari nilk enn parayaanayi...blah blah...".. My mom was there...she also said I didn't say anything for him to act that way. He made a big deal out of it and started saying things like "enik pande ariyaa...ival enne nokkathonnumila..avlk cash ayaa avl enne old age home kond idum"..I was like wtf just happened. Well I couldn't just be mute and I said "arelm nthelm parayumbo ath ngne paranjath aahnen mansilaakanulla vivarm kaaniknm" ...to that he: "aadi njaan vivaradoshi aahn" and went to sleep without eating. Apparently he doesn't talk to me now.
This abnormal behaviour from him is something now I'm habituated to. But that's not the problem. The times will come when he is sober and will be soooo loving and caring. But I'm sooo sorry, I can never buy that again. Even when he is all loving, all I remember is the abuses he made mentally and physically. The above incident is only the least problematic incident that has happened among the many 'I just wanna die/i wish my dad was dead' incidents.
I'm home for vacation and just wanna leave my house asap .
What should I do?