u/leekatron9000

It’s a constant losing battle. If I spend the day socializing my brain kinda filters out the “noise” (general stimuli) but it’s like doing a performance that’s so far removed from my actual self it actually makes me feel insane.

And when I keep to myself, I’m so overly conscious of my environment and so easily irritated and overwhelmed by the smallest thing happening around me.

Could be bodies in my peripheral vision, a sigh that’s too loud/long, someone somewhere in the classroom making too much noise, a light being suddenly turned on and that’s too bright and/or flickering, etc. It could be anything.

I already use my noise canceling headphones during class, but I’m also sensitive to smells and visual stimuli. On top of the feelings of my clothes on my skin, how I’m never quite comfortable in the heat — it’s suffocating.

I don’t know how to cope. I already have a bunch of accommodations with no official dx (yet), mostly because of depression and anxiety that I’ve been treating with antidepressants. It genuinely changed my life for the better, but I guess I cannot help the burnout that comes with simply being me and existing.

It’s as the title says. My psychiatrist, who was leaning towards an autism dx after having taken tests and seeing the neuropsychologist, finally told me I reciprocated too much socially/empathy-wise for me to be autistic.

She knows how much I overcompensate socially and how overwhelming/overstimulating it all is for me. I cry after every hang out, even with my closest friends, and I usually take a week under the blanket to recover. But to her, this hypervigilance I display during social interaction isn’t enough for a proper dx, because I “perform” well enough still.

She also told me the way I hid my (very much self regulating) interests as a child showed a great understanding of social decorum.

For info, I grew up in a conservative & physically abusive household that threatened me to send me back home and tear my passport if I misbehaved. So I didn’t really have a choice there… She still maintains an autistic child would’ve behaved differently.

I apparently lack ritualization too, although I told her several times I basically rehearse every situation (even those unlikely) to mentally prepare. Not a valid ritual. An aversion to change and unplanned events, that lead to shutdowns? Nope, still not enough.

I thought of my psychiatrist as quite competent at first, and “woke” enough for a white woman (I’m a POC), but she seems to find every nuance I try to give irrelevant and this has left me quite frustrated. It’s like I HAVE to fit this archetype of an autistic person, and everything in between falls out of the scope.

TLDR; I’m apparently more traumatized than I am autistic, and too socially proficient, neurodivergent card revoked