u/levelgrind

I had a buyer who was messaging me before the three days were up asking when I was going to ship my item. They were really impatient and even sending “?” messages to me, so I decided to cancel the order because not only I had I given them a discount, I hadn’t even taken the full allotted time to ship yet.

They created a new acc and re-bought the item from me just now, so I’m wondering: what would you do in this situation? Go ahead and send it out? Cancel again?

It happened this morning. After being admitted on Monday, my mother passed away peacefully in her sleep at around 5am while I sat with her. I am in such a ridiculous amount of pain and I’m so terrified what the future may hold as I’m AuDHD and have been living at home with one parent or the other for my entire life, and now my mommy is gone.

But everyone here has been so lovely during this most horrible, hardest moment of my life and I’m grateful to everyone who has read and responded or even just left me alone to have a place to vent out all of my thoughts. I appreciate you all.

Well, I don’t like having so much to post about here, but it’s been the best place to get all of my feelings out.

The day before yesterday my mom wasn’t doing to well, she’s exactly two weeks out of her first chemo treatment and it has basically destroyed her and it might be past the point of no return. She has Cirrhosis and the chemo treatment raised her liver enzymes and the doctor we spoke to at the hospital says that she likely will not bounce back from this. They’re discussing hospice care with us. Trying to live killed my mom, the irony. She wanted to live so badly and was willing to do whatever it took… my heart is broken in so many ways.

But something frustrating me is how numb I feel sometimes. Other times I cry nonstop. For her, for my future, for my nephews who are too young not to have a grandmother. For the fact that I didn’t turn out like she probably wanted me to… to the fact that when she left us when I was a teenager I hated her so badly I didn’t want to speak to her. The years I spent resenting her because of her alcoholism. I grieve for the relationship we’ve built since she became sober. For the fact that I assured her the vacation she took just last month would NOT be her last, and it very likely will have been. For the fact that I never got to cook her a meal. For the fact that I’ve likely already eaten the last meal she’ll ever make me. (It was a banger, though, if it really is.)

So many of my psychological issues stem from my mom… but I still love her, I still need her.

That’s the grief. And then there’s the guilt.

Guilt I can’t take off more time from work, I can’t be with her all the time. Guilt that I don’t *want* to be up at the hospital with her all the time. Guilt that when she was here and moaning in pain I couldn’t do anything and I was getting frustrated with her. Guilt that I thought “I wish this would end.” Guilt every single time I laugh or find myself having a good time and remember.

All of this sucks. It’s the worst. I hate it. I hate it so much. Fuck cancer. Fuck fuck fuck.

It’s been just a couple days since I posted here about how my family is coping with my mother’s illness, but unfortunately we’ve had a lot of developments since then.

The day I posted they had actually taken her to her doctor because she wasn’t eating enough and was dehydrated and malnourished and they decided to stop chemo treatments because her body simply cannot handle it. She deteriorated rapidly after the first session and hasn’t been able to bounce back at all. I don’t know what they’re going to do now. She’s scheduled for radiation on Tuesday but with the condition she’s in I’m not sure they’re going to be able to do it… I’m at such a loss.

And then there’s just everyone’s emotional state. I feel so guilty because I had a bigger reaction to being disappointed over something stupid than I have about the fact that my mom might be dying. Now I feel sick to my stomach about myself. I know this is kind of normal but I can’t help it, I feel so selfish. I feel selfish every time I’m sad I have to eat a sandwich again for dinner because she was the one who cooked and I don’t have the money right now to buy things to even try to cook… I feel selfish because I’m looking forward to the days where I get to go out with other people because I get to eat something good, and not be stuck in here thinking about losing her. I hate all of this.

I wish so much I could help her, I wish so much I could stop things from changing. I’m undiagnosed but I’ve had suspicions I’m either ADHD or autistic and I’ve never been good with change, the idea of things being different makes me feel sick. She’s always taken care of everything… I don’t feel like a fully functional adult. What am I going to do without her, how are we going to live? My stepdad isn’t much better than me in this regard.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant about way too many things, but if you read this far, thank you.

This past April my mother found out she has cancer. It took a while for them to figure out where it originated from, but it was eventually narrowed down to being Stage 4 Lung Cancer that has spread from her lungs to her liver and spine, with some spots in her brain. Last week she had her first chemotherapy treatment, and she was doing great the first day or two when she got home, but then she had a sudden decline; she's in a lot of pain, she can't eat much, drink much, and she has nonstop diarrhea. Tomorrow she's going in to get an IV for fluids and possibly feeding. I've been really worried for her because it's so hard to watch and not be able to help. I do everything I can for her, though. We even got her a baby monitor so she can just ask for us and we can hear it and come to her.

Nothing my mom has asked for has been difficult-- get her something to drink, pain pills, hot patch for her back... fixed her TV a few times because the silly thing keeps accidentally turning on closed captioning, lol. But the difficult part is my stepdad, who gets easily overwhelmed and starts taking it out on her. He's worried and it's manifesting in anger, but instead of being proactive he just shoves it all off on me. I'm working (two jobs now, just got hired for the second one today!) and now cooking for everyone because mom is no longer able to, and I also have very bad insomnia so I'm not sleeping well at all. He is, to put it lightly, incompetent. He wants something done but instead of doing it himself he just keeps trying to get me to do it, and when I ask him what he wants me to do he just shrugs. It's so exhausting and infuriating, and this is, honestly, a very brief overview I've written here.

But anyway... just wanted to get some of this out, because it's been eating at me a lot. I'm worried, of course I'm worried, but I'm trying to keep my head up. Thinking about losing my mom makes it impossible for me to function. I'm trying to stay positive and helpful and loving for her sake... I wish my stepdad felt the same and would stop stressing her out. My back hurts from the stress he puts me under and I don't even have tumors there, I can only imagine how much worse she's feeling.