I miss physical affection
I've been nostalgic lately about a time I don't even miss when I look at it rationally.
I had to get away from this abuse and ig I'm just scared i won't find that one person that will be my forever? He stayed with me no matter what but also because he was profiting off of me. And yet my dumb ass feelings miss him. There was no consistency but yet it feels empty being alone although I am stable now and I'm progressing in ways I never could cos he kept me stuck.
I miss being held. Miss a hand stroking my hair. At the same time I love having all the time in the world and not being wasted by bullshit and stress. And he didn't even give me the affection I needed when he had the chance to...
It was on and off cos there was constant manipulation and false promises. My brain got addicted to this rollercoaster.
I just crave softness. Soft touch, soft kisses, soft hugs.
I'm even questioning my orientation at this point. I hate the way that guys can get aggressive. I know that there are good men out there. Maybe.
Fact is I never met one and got to the point of knowing him enough to be able to tell.
I was trying to date women but I'm so sad that they be acting so nonchalant. I want to feel something real. I know my feelings are real. And really intense. I just want someone to match my energy without it turning into a toxic abusive hellhole mess cos the matching energy was just pretentious love bombing.
Someone who is deeply interested in the core of who I am, someone who takes time to build up trust and intimacy with actions before turning physical. I'm way better at being patient now but I am just craving love. True love. Fuzzy cute and whimsy
and real