FA disaster and attachment
I feel so horrified and broken, and I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I am an FA woman and for the last almost 2 years, I’ve been off and on with this other FA guy. Idk if you guys have ever tried this type of dynamic, but it’s absolute hell. I love him, I really do. I like his humor, he’s kind, he’s handsome. But we have a very toxic dynamic that has worn me down so much.
I don’t want to say I’m innocent. I’m not. I deactivate, I block, I lash out. Almost weekly, I do some sort of attempt to end the dynamic because I find it so painful. On the other hand, he does not deactivate and block. He doesn’t even attempt to directly end it. But he creates burners to follow me, monitors my location and media, but the thing that always causes my lashing is that he doesn’t communicate directly. We are in this constant push and pull, and I am happy to give details if necessary, but we have this weird non-verbal communication method we do on Instagram to basically reassure ourselves. However, the part of my brain that always tells me he’s secretly evil and manipulative and out to hurt me was eating at me so hard. And when he disappeared for sleep from 12:30am to 10:00am, I tried to tell myself to slow down and think before I act but I deactivated my instagram.
It’s now 1:42pm and I know it’s barely been any time, but my anxiety is eating so much at me. I want things to end or improve. But he doesn’t trust me not to go, and I don’t trust that me actually staying will lead to things changing. So I just want to kill it. I just want it to be over. I want this horrible feeling to go away.
At the same time, I feel so horrible that I hurt him again. He hurts me with the lack of normal communication, but I always regret the things I do more than staying. And now I feel so choked up. I can’t take another break up. I don’t know how to cope. I have done so much therapy but nothing helps me because outside of him, I lean very heavy DA and the only way to learn attachment is to sit with it.
Part of this is venting because I can’t tell anyone. I feel so upset, but I don’t want to keep everyone hearing about the same man who I haven’t been able to figure it out with for 2 years. I know I need to kill it at the same time; but it’s so hard because it’s a mix of all the habits that include him. We have off and on direct communication, but we have indirect check-ins (very long weird thing that I know is embarrassing) literally every 30 minutes, every day, for months. So it’s killing this awful habit while also trying to get rid of a long attachment, and imagining that he’s upset because I know that he loses control too when I disappear.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I need a hug, and my mom, except not actually MY mom.