No Contact w/WHOLE family for 2+ yrs. AMA
A couple of years ago, my 'mother', let's call her J as she was never maternal in the slightest, accidentally sent a text to my phone by mistake. She knew me and my now husband were trying to save up to by my son a bike, and teach him to ride it. It's a fundamental milestone that I was looking forward to sharing with MY son. My own experience of being taught this basic skill was of course unfortunately plagued with memory of my mother yelling at me, calling me stupid, and saying if I didn't stop 'making myself fall for attention, she'd whip tf out of me'. (for context what she described as 'whippins' were her stripping me naked, having me expose myself, and whipping tf out of me until I didn't have any tears left to cry)..NEELDESS TO SAY i was looking forward to giving my son a wonderful core memory without any of that.
She accidentally sent a picture of my father (who never bothered to put forth effort to teach us anything) running alongside my son as they taught him to ride his first 'big boy' bike. This had been an ongoing thing, as by the time we found out he actually knew how to fully ride, and also she encouraged him to lie to us and say he didn't have a bike there. She labeled the picture '...and NO, I won't be telling her anything about it!! Too damn bad, HAHA' something along those lines. Because of this, I told her that until I could speak to my counselor about how to even talk to her anymore, I'd need space. No, she isn't entitled to access to my child. No grandparent is, much less one who refuses to respect the other parents boundaries. I'd tried for years I tell you since I'd gotten sober in 2017 to make amends for my wrongs, and always it was held above my head, she never listened to how I wanted to raise my son, and she actively sabotaged my recovery by making it impossible to live with her. Yes, I stayed sober. Just made 9 years.
Before my next monthly apt with my counselor, she sued me for 'grandparent's visitation/grandparent's rights', knowing my fiance were struggling financially and I'd just gotten a new job. I found a lawyer that listened to me, took my case pro bono. What ended up happening is my mother went in front of the hearing officer, cried and cried about how she'd 'tried and tried with me, she just didn't understand why I'd always been so troubled.' She brought my mental health struggles into question, even my past addiction which at that point I'd been in recovery for 7 years. She cited me being suicidal in high school as a reason why she 'needed' to be in my son's life. The hearing officer said we both needed counseling together. I said I'd tried to offer this several times, my mom's stance is she would go but 'I'm not changing, I am who I am and you'll have to deal with it' and that isn't conducive to any kind of mental change. Ultimatley I did get a great recording of her saying I'm a disappointment, I've always been one, and she'd spent her life waiting for me to 'be the daughter she wanted', but I never chose to act right. She said this was the last straw, and I hurt her in ways I couldn't imagine by attempting to assert healthy boundaries and move out to live my own life. It was 10 min of her degrading me and telling me I wasn't good enough and never would be. I still have the recording but never listened to it, because it hurts too much. There's more context, as I'm in my 30s and have endured a lifetime of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse from my 'parent's. I now think of myself as an alien who fell from an shooting star, and happened to be found by my 'mom' and 'dad' and raised as theirs, only discarded when they realized I'm not the conventionally ideal daughter.
Since then I've been no contact with my entire family. My father enables her sick behavior, plays the 'I'm just a simple man, and you know J, can't change her.' and sat there without saying one word to me. He hasn't spoken to me in 3 years I think because he literally never made any effort. My sister who is 6 years older magically went no contact without warning, after saying she lowkey resents me bc she felt like she had to raise me and protect me from our mother. She also said that I got both of us into trouble due to me being ADHD and highly neurodivergent, and attention seeking thru SH. That was also 2+ years ago. Ultimately my family has been torn apart by narcissistic behavior and mental illness. Thankfully I'm married and my husband's family know this and I guess have pity for me, as they try their best to include me in the family affairs as an adopted daughter.
I want to help every adult that was abused by their parents break away and find their own healing. Plz know you're never alone, and even if no contact seems selfish, it isn't in all cases. No child wants to be in my position, but sometimes it's a matter of choosing yourself. AMA.