cause i am miserable and nobody even knows.
Its 4:27, I broke down at 3am and since then i am crying, i opened my phone and searched up for antidepressants without diagonis even though i am already aware that in india no antidepressants can be sold without a proper diagnosis, there i saw the answers on reddit and hence i am here. lately, i have been idk what to call this it maybe depression as i've been told a year and a half ago by a fellow aunt psychologist that i give out signs of depression, however, didnt act upon it cause I took it lightly, i just used to talk to her to eventually feel good but we lost touch last year and since then its getting weird. i used to not feel anything at all before and now i take in as much as i can and then one day i just breakdown about everything. when i eventually breakdown i either blame myself or just go numb and nonverbal. i dont feel anything until someone does something that triggers me and i get mad and then i hate myself for behaving that way with them. the way I am around everyone no one figures out that i am not okay, although i don't want to bother them too, sometimes i feel very left out and that i have pushed people way too far away to ask for help and even though i try to ask for help they just sideline me and they dont understand. i have isolated myself so much that i hate when someone invades my space when at the same time i want people to break through the wall that i've built. i just dont know what is wrong with me, whenever i breakdown it becomes so bad to the point that i was seeking for antidepressants without diagnosis. please tell me what to do. i am a student and i do manage my studies but this is getting worse as the moment i am not busy i am like this.