And forcing myself to sleep the whole day so I can’t think is another level
Should it be the end of everything? I swear I’m hopeless as fuck and can’t handle anything anymore
I’m truly tired
Every day is just a new reminder of how miserable and lonely I am
I don’t have anyone close to me, no one at all
There’s no one I can talk to, share things with, listen to as they talk, and have them tell me about their day and what happened
This isn’t something new. It’s been like this since my childhood, my miserable childhood
And honestly, sometimes it hurts me so much that it brings me to tears
I always used to lie to myself that I liked being alone and that it was my choice because no matter how hard I tried, things just never worked out. But the truth is it has been a part of me for a very long time, and it isn’t a choice
Lately, I’ve been thinking about it much more than usual because this feeling of loneliness is eating me alive, but there’s nothing I can do but live with it
No one could possibly believe how empty I feel inside
Empty, worthless, and disgusting
I realized that I literally don’t want anything
I’ve lost hope and desire for everything
I don’t want anything anymore
I have no reason to live, nor any dreams or goals to pursue
I realized that everything I had been holding onto was just قشور احلام that I didn’t even want in the first place. All I was trying to do was fool myself into striving and carrying on, even though I don’t know why I would even do that
Now I’m just standing still, and I literally don’t want to do anything because why? Just why? No reason
قبل فترة كنا بنتناقش انا و حديين بخصوص موت حدا ف من ضمن القصة كان العزا الي رح ينعمل اله
ف انا خطر على بالي سؤال و حكيتلهم انه هل بدكم ينعمللكم عزا بس تموتوا؟ و حكوا اه اكيد
لما سألوني حكيت لا صراحة و انه ما في داعي ف تطلعوا على بنظرة غريبة و استنكارية و حكولي بس تخلف!
ما ناقشتهم صراحة بس بحس ما بدي ينعمللي
الموضوع معلق براسي من شهور
يعني جد بحس ما في داعي و I’m not worth the trouble
+ صراحة بدي بعد ما اموت انتسى تماما كاني ما بحياتي كنت موجودة ابداا
و بتمنى اهلي او اي حدا بعرفني يعمل move on بسرعة
ف ليش يعملوا عزا؟ ما بعرف بس الفكرة مش مريحة بالنسبة الي
و ممكن تكون وصيتي ما ينعمللي
I can't study, so I just need to let some of this out
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I can't understand myself, and I can't seem to organize my thoughts
Sometimes it hurts that no one understands me, and I have this strong desire to be understood
But I don't blame them, because I can't even understand myself. So how could anyone else?
I spend so much time alone, trying to figure out what I want or what's wrong with me, but I never find an answer. Instead, I only get more lost inside my own head, and it's very exhausting
You might think I'm speaking figuratively when I say it's exhausting, but I'm not
I mean it literally. It leaves me with this overwhelming heaviness that I can actually feel
And I don't think anyone will ever understand what I'm trying to say... as usual
Sometimes my thoughts wander to the future
I wonder what would happen if I ever got married (He'd have made a terrible choice, by the way) How would he ever understand the way my mind works? How could he know what I need when I don't even know it myself? And if he asked me “What’s wrong?” what would I even say? “I don’t know”? It doesn't feel like a real answer, but it's the only honest one I have
I know he wouldn't be able to handle it, and honestly, I wouldn't expect him to
Choosing me would already be enough, especially when he could have chosen any other girl instead
I don't even know why he'd choose me in the first place (I actually feel sorry for him because he’d be stuck with me for the rest of his life) that’s if I ever get married at all
I feel like everything I'm saying is all over the place and probably doesn't make much sense to you, but I just needed to clear my head a little
I can’t handle anything anymore, I’m genuinely exhausted
Everything wears me out, everything takes so much out of me
My body feels tired and sore, and my mind is constantly racing with thoughts
Everything feels like pressure and it’s draining me
I swear I’m overwhelmed
There’s a lump in my throat and a heaviness in my chest
I really want to cry, I want to let it out, but I can’t
You know?
Sometimes I open my Notes app just to look at this quote
I don’t know why but it feels so close to me
It touches something deep inside my heart
I’ve always longed to be loved, yet I’ve always questioned whether I’m worthy of love
I’ve always wished I had people who truly loved me, even if it were just one person
And I could actually feel that love, that it could bring warmth to the coldness in my heart and soften the harshness I’ve lived with for so long
But then I always find myself asking, Who am I to be loved? Who am I to deserve something as precious as that?
So I push that desire away
That’s why I ask god to take this yearning, because I don’t want to spend my life longing for something I’ll never have
I don’t even love myself, so who else ever could?
People always say, love yourself then people will love you. But I know that’s impossible because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love myself
And yet deep inside me one small question never stops echoing
Will anyone ever love me the way I’ve always wished to be loved? Will anyone ever satisfy the hunger for affection that lives inside me?
And if that day ever come
I’ll only feel sorry for that person
Because they would be loving someone who is nothing and doesn’t deserve to be loved
Most of the time, I find myself wondering what the purpose of my life is?
I feel like I’m nothing more than a burden to everyone around me
I have brought no one anything but hardship
Everyone I know has had to carry responsibilities because of me, take on roles, and do things solely for my sake
Why? Just why?
I always try not to be a burden on people, and I try not to make them do things for me, because I don’t deserve the trouble
I don’t deserve anything at all
I don’t deserve their help, their words, or even their kindness and affection
Every time someone does something for me, I end up despising myself and feeling disgusted with who I am
Today I made people go through trouble because of me because of something I couldn’t control, and I feel extremely pathetic and disgusted with myself
I hate that I exist and I wish I could disappear right now
I even wish I had never existed in the first place
What does it mean?
What does it mean to be able to feel?
How does feeling even happen?
I really don’t know
I’ve lost the ability to feel a long time ago
I can’t feel love, hate, regret, happiness, or sadness
All I feel is emptiness… a cruel emptiness that eats me up and tears me from the inside
I don’t remember the last time I felt a real emotion or even if I ever did in my life
And if I do feel something it’s only for a moment and then it disappears within minutes
Loneliness is killing me most of the time
Even though there are many people around me, I feel lonely
The thought that there is no one close to you, no one who understands you, or no one who works to make you happy is very painful
I sometimes wonder if I really don't deserve these things? And are they too much for me?
Honestly, I don't know, but I think the answer is yes
كثير كثير بوجع الشعور لما تكون متضايق كثير و قلبك ثقيل جدا و تحاول تنام عشان تهرب من كل اشي بس مو قادر تنام و محاولاتك تبوء بالفشل
كثير كثير متضايقة و قررت انام بس مو قادرة و ما عندي ميلاتونين شو اعمل عشان انام؟