u/lumber-liquidators

A few days ago I made a post about having dreamlike memories of my abuse, and being confused. I finally asked my mom for more information. Both my mom and my dad knew that I had been abused at a daycare, reported it to DCYF, and noticed the sudden changes with me. My dad passed when I was in my early teens, so he wasn't able to give me any information.

My mom told me that the results of the investigation found 'no evidence of sexual abuse', despite the official investigation records showing that no exam was completed from the waist down. I told her that I had 'weird' memories as far back as I can remember.

They never said anything to me until I made a comment about something. They had hoped that I wouldn't remember. No one raised any red flags when my odd behaviors stuck, and my personality completely changed. I sat in silence for a little over 20 years, keeping these memories to myself, because I truly believed that I was some sick, depraved child, with a disgusting imagination. It wasn't until my mom gave me more details, mentioning an older male child with a "weird" family, my childhood stuffed animal being taken away, nap time, and the daycare owner restraining me to wash me off. That was when it finally clicked for me. All the memories became clearer. Looking at it now, it was very clearly COCSA. I sat with these memories and never said anything because, to my knowledge as a child, I was never hurt by anyone.

My mom told me that it was as if she "brought home a different child" and that I "have never been the same since." I mourn who I could have been. If my parents loved the first version of me more. I'm distraught that I spent my childhood anxious, scared, angry, and afraid, never having a reason why. I'm livid that the daycare owner ruined my potential, and that DCYF ignored the behavioral signs, as they apparently didn't find any evidence of sexual abuse.

I have to start from scratch, as a 23 year old woman, about to go into grad school to become a therapist. My whole world has been thrown off of its axis now that those memories are real. I don't know how to do this, and I am so scared. I told my boyfriend everything that I remembered. It feels so good to not be carrying this dark secret alone anymore. Had I known about the daycare incident sooner I would have said something, but instead of speaking up, I sat quietly. I sat through feeling disgusting for having sexual urges at a young age, having totally effed up thoughts as a child, oversexualizing myself, making irrational decisions, and being incredibly reactive.

I feel so alone. This is terrifying. I have been a victim my entire life, and nobody knew, not even me. Suddenly I'm an adult, who experienced csa and just didn't know. I can't tell anyone else, nobody in my life knows, other than my boyfriend and my therapist. This is so scary. Will it be ok again? I just want to feel at peace again. Please tell me I can feel whole again.

*for context, the only way I have ever been able to speak about this is in clinical verbiage/jargon, so it feels more like I'm typing up a case note and can separate myself from what I'm recalling*

I've had these memories as long as I can remember, but they're all odd and don't make any sense. Things like remembering being touched/assaulted, but remembering scenarios that seem like a child's brain trying to make sense of it; >!remembering an incident as someone running a medical test on me. I can't tell if I'm making these memories up or not. The memory that I've had the longest is one set in what seems to be like a doctor's office and there's wires/cords/something in my genitals (I feel so gross and disgusting typing this, I can't even describe it to my therapist verbally bc it makes me feel physically ill.) !<There is a documented incident of physical abuse (daycare), but no one ran any tests or exams to see if there were signs of CSA. Despite me showing several concerning behaviors and physical signs (sudden change in personality, unexplained fever, extreme fear, and bruising on my stomach, lower abdomen and waist/hips.) I have no doubts that I was abused, at least physically. The documented abuse was when I was 4, and I continued displaying signs of CSA throughout my developmental years. There are a few other memories I have had since childhood where it seems like I dissociated and used my imagination to survive the experience(s).

Basically, does anyone else have memories of being abused, but the memories are odd or dream/nightmare like? It feels bad to have these memories from the age of 4, and they're all bits and pieces of things that just don't make sense. I've tried to ask my mom but she got wicked offended and told me that nobody ever touched me like that.