TW // 12 year old brother attempting, PLEASE HELP!
Please bear with me as this is quite long. Please help me and my family, I really don't know what to do anymore. Here's few backgrounds to understand him better; we come from a religious Islamic family, I wouldn't say I am, but my parents are. Here's the thing, my little brother's gay and an atheist, I always knew he was gay though. He officially came out to me and my other sister a few months ago as an atheist and being gay and of course, of course we do support him. And as you know homosexual individuals are very looked down upon Muslims. Like admitting to being gay to a Muslim is the equivalent of you admitting you murdered someone! I WISH I WAS JOKING! Not that I am abiding by the virtues of Islam—but I believe we don't have the right to judge someone and decide their fate, only God does. If he wants to be gay and leave Islam, then so be it. We just let him be, and we're happy that he trusts us enough to tell what he's actually feeling about his own identity.
To our parents, it's another story. As I've said they're quite religious and has been vocally homophobic, his whole bloodline are. For context my mom, me and my sister were Christian before he married my now father and so we converted years before my little brother was born (technically my half brother) so my mom's side is pretty chill about the idea of homosexuality, well, except for her. My father once said that being gay means having life losing its meaning I think that is ridiculous. And now, I think that has been the whole reason on why my little brother's doing this. He is just so scared to tell everything that has been stuck inside his chest, unspoken words waiting to burst out and it just breaks my heart.
Here are more psychological behaviors I noticed from him, I don't know if this is connected but he has been pacing around every day for an hour, skipping back and forth around our house for as along as I can remember. He once told me that he just iike to imagine things in his own world but I don't know if that's actually true. He also has serious anger issues, like when he gets annoyed at my other little brothers and sisters, he would shout at them and hit them. It was really hard to witness. Also socially awkward, but he has friends I know, mostly females but that's about it. Admitted to being hypersexual, it was an odd thing to say for someone who's just 12 years old. I also think he's a little autistic.
A few hours ago, 5am, I really couldn't make myself to sleep, I was sleepy, but I just couldn't fall asleep. When everyone was in their respective bedrooms, I saw him afar outside my room but he didn't notice me because I was peeking through my upper bunk's curtains and the room was dark, I could hardly be seen. I saw him alone, sitting on the dining chair, with a purple knife in his right hand. He was lightly slashing his left arm. And I couldn't believe what just happened. I quickly picked up my phone and texted my mom who was still awake because she's working on her laptop. I told her what he has been doing in the kitchen, and it almost felt I like I heard the moment her heart dropped just as she was about to open their bedroom door. Knowing my mom, she was strict about things and would sometimes punish us as a lesson. I told her to not punish him this time by any means or shout at him. Just be gentle as possible and let him try to open up and explain because I knew. I don't know how lang has he been doing this, for I had a full time job far away from home and couldn't monitor him enough.
I know what it feels like to be in his place because I admit that have also done that when I was younger, I was never caught, and it was really hard but I have moved on from it since then. I tried to eavesdrop but I couldn't comprehend anything because I was far away from them. But I heard him sobbing, and my mom.. she got mad but in a calm way. I'm really glad that she listened to me. And then there came my father following five minutes after. It sounded like he was trying to explain something the way he answered back in such a quick manner. I believe he never confessed everything though by the way it sounded, they eventually went to the room and I suppose watched a football live match. I could tell that he has calmed down by my father mostly and he kept trying to engage with my brother about the game, a distraction of some sort?
And that's when I broke down crying. I was crying so hard on my bed. Actually, one thing about me is that I might actually have anxiety, the diagnosed kind. I've been having panic attacks for over a year now every now and then. My parents always knew, but I feel like they didn't care much, except for when I was hyperventilating at times. And I think they wouldn't even send me to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis because of the expenses needed to get one. I might soon, with my own money.
But anyways, I was crying really hard about that one specific text of my mom; "I didn't know, he was always happy" My tears burst into tears as soon as I realized what she had said. She has been working really hard just to provide the needs of our family that she even forgets to check up on my little brother, let alone me myself. And I just couldn't. I'm scared and dont know what to do anymore. The idea of a twelve year old attempting self harm is just SO HARD to think about. I don't know, I really don't know what drove him into this. Maybe the internet, as far as I know he's chronically online and uses TikTok 24/7, my mom also blamed TikTok, saying he's been watching gruesome and inappropriate things, and I do too—the type of videos he reposts is really odd for someone who's 12 years old, I don't know a better way to restrict him from using this app without triggering himself and I am so frustrated! Or perhaps maybe peer pressure? He got influenced by her friends to encourage to do that thing? I DONT KNOW!!! I AM SO FRUSTRATED😭😭😭 My anxiety is over the top and I just don't know how to act anymore. Later as soon as I wake up, I'm going to convince my parents to get him checked up by a child psychologist or something as soon as possible because this is SO ALARMING!!! Please help me, I need guidance and advice!!!