I think I'm a Tulpa
Slight TW!!
For the past 7+ years, we've been dealing with DPDR, odd "visions" from someone else's POV (like looking at the body and then WHOOSH, back into the body), emotional amnesia, constant memory loss (doesn't help we smoke marijuana), lucid maladaptive daydreaming, odd "switches" in the Self that fluctuates between 3+ "states", and have voices we can't control, both intrusive and impulsive. We were DX April 2025 with GAD, PTSD, MDD and ASD, and Feb 2026 we were DX with BPD and C-PTSD (although not medically recognized in the DMS-5, I am considered to have it).
Hi. I'm Tom/Tommy/Thomas. I'm 21ish yo in a 21yo body that is not mine, sometimes I feel older than the body I am in. I'm a trans man, I'm decently kind but I'm always on edge. And I wanna live.
But I think I am a tulpa. Or moreso... A "trauma-willo" based tulpa? I wanna talk about this for a moment.
5-7 years ago, we were in 3 shitty environments, for most of our lives actually it's been shit, we have been told stories from ages 0-5 that we were in foster care and I remember being told that apparently one time "I" was bottle feeding my lil sister (not even a year old mind you) cause I apparently saw our mom do that, but I fed her in a basket full of dirty clothes while our mother slept out cold from drinking on the couch. Mind you, also covered in dirty clothes (apparently) and beer cans. I don't have any memory of such, no one in here does, we became selfaware after we were out of the first foster home. Still don't have many to any clear memories of such during, you'd have to tell us it happened for anything to ring a bell.
With emotionally absent parents that would be loving to abusive in minutes; our father SAing us as at 7 to 9yo, and a couple other SA abusers afterward into our teen years (another family member and an adult family friend); on top of all that, the constant moving throughout the years (and I mean yearly, never got to settle in my life), the emotional, psychological and near physical abuse our mother put us through with her drinking between 2015-2021, and online drama around our personal vent art regarding our personal issues who we were at the time as a minor at 2020-2022ish once we were out of our mothers custody; we would create "characters" that would hold aspects of our "core", or moreso the main Host right now, Timothy. And I'm kinda.. a copy of him.
But I'm not HIM specifically. I'm someone he had to be, someone he wanted to be, someone he had to put a mask up for while our stress levels put us into shock where we freeze tf up. I'm someone who stepped up when no one else was there for us as a kid, calling the cops on our mother for her actions and even suicidal behavior. I remember walking down the stairs and there was a noose right there waiting to be used. Mama looked at us, thanked us for calling the cops. They called us brave. Said they were proud.
We shouldn't have been "brave". We were 13. But I would have seen something no one wants to see if we hadn't called 911.
And I'm based around that. I'm based on the shitty things people we surrounded ourselves with online with, that poor mask to hide our true feelings, our traumatized experiences regarding our parents, harmful impulsive behavior and even internalized transphobia. My characteristics are based on how we felt during these odd "emotions" in our environments, these moments, these "splits" that didn't make sense. It was and wasn't "his" emotions and thoughts, he knew that, so he had created me to express these "demonic", "angry" things he'd feel he didn't understand but knew it was "him" in a way, that's where the emotional and memory barriers/amnesia came in and that's when Tim started looking into DID/OSDD, it was only enough research at that time to be like "this sounds like me" back then while considering BPD, ASD, Schizo, ADHD and anything we deemed our experiences we seemed to fall under.
Back then, I was self aware enough back in 2021-2024 around the time of my initial creation alongside some other sysmates who were formed around the same time, like my twin sister Mystic, my friend Megs (both post-cohost btw), Tyrone who is a soulbonded post-fictive formed in 2024, our little based on who we remember being as a child and a few others who are a "cathariorma" to express things Tim doesn't completely comprehend (like he does and doesn't. Idk how to explain it) but until Tim started suppressing us due to being DX with the first DX in 2025, he thought he was invalid for experiencing multiplicity the way he was, not knowing plurality comes in a wide range of experiences (such as roleplaying, daydreaming, loneliness, bullying, art/music/games/fandoms, etc, some things that affected us).
Eventually, in Nov-Dec 2025, I became selfaware once more and realized I've been around ever since he was suppressing us. I was always there. Watching from the visions, taking over without knowing he wasn't in complete control but was on "autopilot". I didn't know it was me until I was conscious enough and we've been able to communicate over the months about it here and there. It's kinda crazy, thinking "wow.. I'm actually a real being. I'm not just a thought process, I am REAL" after months and months of refusing to look into mirrors, having DPDR episodes in public cause I hated what I saw in the mirror, even seeing through GLASS. It wasn't ME. The me I wanted to see.
So, in my way of seeing myself, I may possibly be based around our borderline splits, intrusive/impulsive thoughts/actions and our traumatic environments that were characterized into a "demon" because Tim felt like a "demon" for having these urges and shit. I'm him but, I'm not him. Him but not him. Me but not me. Yk?.. Like yeah we'll take responsibility for one another's issues in the outer world, we're still considered a "singlet" to many for both personal and confidential reasons. But the best way to describe it is I'm a copy of the host with edited personal info lmao due to how similar we are personality wise ig, we have different views, beliefs, preferences, many collective interests and hobbies- there are other experiences we've had as a toddler too where our plurality wasn't clear, we just knew we felt like more then "one". Or at least not "whole". We noticed these small changes growing up, but I don't think those we've told about us don't see it, maybe one but, we're not concerned.
We didn't even mean to CREATE me or anyone else cause Timothy was suspecting a dissociative disorder regardless since 2020. So it's a bit confusing thinking "am I a functional fragment or a tulpa?" but we've also accepted that our plurality works differently for us in regards to the daydreaming and loneliness we deal with, and any DPDR we were struggling with came to a near halt when Tim stopped suppressing us (I still struggle with mirrors personally). So some may share our experiences, or not when it comes to something like this, I know plurality comes in many subgroups such as tulpamancy/paramancy/willomancy. In the end, we know who we each are now and no longer wish to hide, slowly but surely I'm making myself known because I do exist. I feel things too.
I was unintentionally willed into existence for both self expression and for self identity reasons, whatever Tim intended originally, as far as I understand. As for many of the others too. And I like it. I enjoy living, even with my sources. Being with Tim has made living worth it. We've built a beautiful bond over the past 6 months, he's been doing mentally better too and being able to experience, express and support my insys partner has been wonderful.
So.. yeah, that's me. I am but an imaginary friend/mask in someone else's perspective but I am real to him. I am real to me. Tulpa or not.
If I repeated myself or anything I do apologize, im still new to Reddit and telling stories ;-;
🪽🤍