Grieving my family already. What if I’m wrong?
Hi all.
PIMO here, have been for years, although *very* soon to be POMO.
Me and my husband have already stopped attending meetings probably about 7 months ago, for various reasons here and there, but right before the blood update dropped, we decided we were probably officially done. We researched a lot, talked about the things that don’t hold up, and did some soul searching about it all.
Then the blood update happened, and it was the final nail in the coffin. We decided to stop 100%, and even went ahead and decorated our house for Halloween last week.
At first I felt complete peace with this decision. Determination even. A new sense of freedom and newfound hope to be able to figure out me and what I truly believe and view important in life.
We can raise our daughter without guilt or shame with religion. She can trick or treat and be a normal kid. We’re free of changing doctrine that harms people or just doesn’t even make sense. We’re not policed by people in the congregation watching our every move to make sure we stay in line.
But now.. it’s time to tell our family and friends. Especially since we’ve decorated for a holiday. It will be an obvious statement to whoever drives by, and eventually someone will and we will be questioned.
And I’m really stressing about it. I know my family will be devastated. So will my husbands. My friends. So many of them I’m going to lose. Our relationships will never be the same and we will always be held at arms length, never to be invited to be part of family events again. And I’ve been grieving it so hard. My heart breaks for my daughter as I know the relationship with both sets of her grandparents is about to change and she won’t understand why.
And it makes me question if I should even do this. As a third generation born in, I’m leaving the life I’ve ever known and foundation for everything. It’s terrifying. And what if it really is the truth? There’s parts that don’t hold up for sure, and have been completely wrong, with dire consequences for some even... no denying that. But is that worth leaving the parts that DO seem true? As they say all the time, it’s an imperfect religion with imperfect men trying to do the best they can with what they know.
And it seems logical like that.
I still believe in Jehovah and a paradise earth with resurrection. I believe majority of the beliefs they teach. We still say a prayer to Jehovah every night with our daughter. Is it worth leaving the only way I know, the way I know to please Jehovah, leaving the people and system who share beliefs and morals like I do, for things I don’t agree with or don’t make sense? For freedom to do things that are technically “pagan” and displeasing to god?
The cold feet I’m getting about all of this is ridiculous and maddening honestly. I’ve been sick about it every day. My husband seems more resolved in his determination to leave and is happily ready to talk to his family about it all. But even he agrees there’s things that feel like the truth, especially when compared to other religions. And he tells me he doesn’t know what the right answer is. I don’t either. And I’m terrified of making a mistake and mostly, damning my child for something I was wrong about.
As witnesses love to say all the time, “what else is there out in the world? Nothing.”
And that’s how I’m feeling.
How do you cope with this fear and guilt and grief from lost relationships? Genuinely struggling with it all.
Sincerely,
Struggling to Leave It All