u/marilynmichelle1

They let me go.

I’m livid. I was just let go from my teaching job. What’s worse? I was told that another teacher, one who missed 100 out of 180 school days is being rehired for the next school year, and that she’s taking my job. I missed several months and was out on FMLA as well due to a mental health crisis, breaking my ankle and requiring surgery, but not NEARLY as much as she did. I did go past my FMLA use, but was told they’d accommodate my absences. I’m done.

I’m livid. I was just let go from my teaching job. What’s worse? I was told that another teacher, one who missed 100 out of 180 school days is being rehired for the next school year, and that she’s taking my job. I missed several months as well due to a mental health crisis, breaking my ankle and requiring surgery, but not NEARLY as much as she did. I’m so tired of everything in my life going wrong. I’m done.

I’m so tired.

I’ve missed so much work this year at my school. (I teach English Language Learners.)
First, I was out on FMLA due to a mental health crisis and IOP, then I kept missing due to therapy, physical therapy, etc. I used up all my PTO and FMLA. I never got observed. Then, I kept missing due to avoidance but told work I was ill or it was due to medical issues. Then they had a conversation with me about attendance, telling me I needed to show up during EL testing (I’m an EL teacher.) I told them I understood, and I managed to show up for the rest of testing. My principal told me he could accommodate doctor’s appointments and other absences after testing. After testing, I was doing better, and planned to continue to go to work. Then, I fell, broke my ankle, required surgery, and was out for two months. I came back during these last two weeks of school. They gave my classroom to someone else, took my picture down, and stuck me in ISS where there is already a teacher. I’m waiting on the rehiring conversation. If they don’t rehire me? I am done. I loved this job, despite wanting to leave it at times. I can never do anything or get anything I want. I finish PT for my ankles, and then immediately break one. My mom terminal cancer, and so does my aunt. My birthday trip, the ONE thing I was looking forward to, was ruined by me getting sick. If I get fired, I’ll have to move back in with my parents, and lose my apartment and independence. I can’t do this anymore. I’m 28, and I can’t hold down a job or live alone without spiraling because I get so exhausted and overwhelmed and burnt out by the easiest things and social interaction that I want to die. I can’t do this anymore. I do have a trip to Dallas this weekend with my friend, but we recently got into a fight and made up, so things are kind of rocky. I don’t know. I’m just so tired of all of this.

I told my therapist today about an interrupted attempt I had during a conflict with a friend last week. I was arguing with a friend over text, and with my parents in person. I was telling my parents that I was done. My mom said “you’ve said this a thousand times, you’re not done.” I immediately went and grabbed a bottle of pills from my bathroom and tried to swallow them all. It made me gag, and I spit them out, got angry, put them back into the bottle, and left the bathroom. During the argument with my friend, my friend was threatening our entire friendship. (She’s my closest friend.) I felt completely abandoned. My therapist didn’t even let me explain the conflict before jumping into safety plans. She told me that I needed to calm down first and gave examples like “screaming into a pillow” or “counting backwards from 100.” I completely shut down. I told her that when I’m that amped up, I’m not going to think to look at a stupid piece of paper. I don’t think she realizes that once I reach that point, I’m way past using basic coping skills. I physically cannot calm myself down and feel like I HAVE to take drastic measures. I thought my friendship was over. I thought I didn’t have anyone and it was my fault. It felt so disproportionate to me. Has anyone else experienced this?

I told my therapist today about an interrupted attempt I had during a conflict with a friend last week. I was arguing with a friend over text, and with my parents in person. I was telling my parents that I was done. My mom said “you’ve said this a thousand times, you’re not done.” I immediately went and grabbed a bottle of pills from my bathroom and tried to swallow them all. It made me gag, and I spit them out, got angry, put them back into the bottle, and left the bathroom. During the argument with my friend, my friend was threatening our entire friendship. (She’s my closest friend.) I felt completely abandoned. My therapist didn’t even let me explain the conflict before jumping into safety plans. She told me that I needed to calm down first and gave examples like “screaming into a pillow” or “counting backwards from 100.” I completely shut down. I told her that when I’m that amped up, I’m not going to think to look at a stupid piece of paper. I don’t think she realizes that once I reach that point, I’m way past using basic coping skills. I physically cannot calm myself down and feel like I HAVE to take drastic measures. I thought my friendship was over. I thought I didn’t have anyone and it was my fault. It felt so disproportionate to me. Has anyone else experienced this?

I told my therapist today about an interrupted attempt I had during a conflict with a friend last week. I was arguing with a friend over text, and with my parents in person. I was telling my parents that I was done. My mom said “you’ve said this a thousand times, you’re not done.” I immediately went and grabbed a bottle of pills from my bathroom and tried to swallow them all. It made me gag, and I spit them out, got angry, put them back into the bottle, and left the bathroom. During the argument with my friend, my friend was threatening our entire friendship. (She’s my closest friend.) I felt completely abandoned. My therapist didn’t even let me explain the conflict before jumping into safety plans. She told me that I needed to calm down first and gave examples like “screaming into a pillow” or “counting backwards from 100.” I completely shut down. I told her that when I’m that amped up, I’m not going to think to look at a stupid piece of paper. I don’t think she realizes that once I reach that point, I’m way past using basic coping skills. I physically cannot calm myself down and feel like I HAVE to take drastic measures. I thought my friendship was over. I thought I didn’t have anyone and it was my fault. It felt so disproportionate to me. Has anyone else experienced this?

I’m feeling stuck with an ACT exercise my therapist gave me and I’m trying to figure out if I’m missing something. So, I met with my therapist today, and we reevaluated my treatment plan (again), which I’m not mad about since my suicidal drivers have changed. The thing that’s slightly annoying me is this: we’ve been talking about how my main driver right now is a lack of control with big life changes (my mom’s leukemia, me potentially losing my job, my aunt’s cancer getting worse, my broken ankle, etc.). My therapist wants to use ACT and have me write down the things I do have control over in my day-to-day life so I don’t feel so powerless. I get what she’s going for, but I don’t see how writing down something like “I chose to wear a purple shirt today” is supposed to make me feel empowered or like I have any meaningful control over my life. Like, if I could see a chain of: “I wore a purple shirt → someone noticed → it sparked a conversation → I met someone → it led to a job” then I could see how that would feel meaningful. If I could see how it impacted my life and see the chain of events, sure. But otherwise, I don’t really see how this helps. I already know I technically have control over small things. That’s not the issue. The issue is that I don’t have control over the things that actually matter right now, and THAT makes me feel completely powerless. I guess I’m trying to understand, has this kind of ACT exercise actually helped anyone when the big stressors are genuinely out of your control? Am I missing something in how I’m supposed to approach it?

So, I met with my therapist today, and we reevaluated my treatment plan (again), which I’m not mad about since my suicidal drivers have changed. The thing that’s slightly annoying me is this: we’ve been talking about how my main driver right now is a lack of control with big life changes (my mom’s leukemia, me potentially losing my job, my aunt’s cancer getting worse, my broken ankle, etc.). My therapist wants to use ACT and have me write down the things I do have control over in my day-to-day life so I don’t feel so powerless. I get what she’s going for, but I don’t see how writing down something like “I chose to wear a purple shirt today” is supposed to make me feel empowered or like I have any meaningful control over my life. Like, if I could see a chain of: “I wore a purple shirt → someone noticed → it sparked a conversation → I met someone → it led to a job” then I could see how that would feel meaningful. If I could see how it impacted my life and see the chain of events, sure. But otherwise, I don’t really see how this helps. I already know I technically have control over small things. That’s not the issue. The issue is that I don’t have control over the things that actually matter right now, and THAT makes me feel completely powerless. I guess I’m trying to understand, has this kind of ACT exercise actually helped anyone when the big stressors are genuinely out of your control? Am I missing something in how I’m supposed to approach it?