u/medicaldramatrauma

I am currently still questioning my identity and leaning towards lesbian despite being in a heterosexual relationship (I'll get to that too). I am going to share a story from when I was younger that really made me question things:

So, I can vividly remember it all started when I was in 8th grade in the locker room with my girl classmates. We all came up with the idea of making Pinterest boards with what our "type" would look like. I was on board with the idea, but I was slightly confused. I knew what a type was, but I never found certain men more attractive than others.

We started the game, first we had to do it for girl A (I will not be using any real names). Everyone seemed to know what they were doing. Some girls thought about girl A's vibe and what kind of boys she'd be into while I would try to figure it by asking questions and I would search vague things like "boy with brown hair" if she said that was her "type". Needless to say, I never won with the best board, but disaster struck when it became my turn.

They had to start building board for me and I was so confused because blonds weren't my thing and neither were any boys really... To me, they were all just... boys. I couldn't feel anything towards a picture of a boy on Pinterest.

I remember when my closest friend from the group, girl D asked if she should add a girl to the board. I was suddenly nervous and probably blushing a little. I tried to brush it off and act like everyone else. That's when she said it was a joke and I was partially relieved and partially disappointed. Most girls from the group assumed I was at least bi, because I had never talked about having crushes on boys or liking boys.

Then, the boards were ready. They looked very similar to me. All teenage boys. Maybe the haircolor and style were slightly different, but even those seemed similar to me. Women felt much more interesting to look at because they were more diverse and intriguing. I ended up choosing girl D's board either way and she jokingly said at the end she should've still put a girl there.

I feel like this is a defining moment for me because I was desperately trying to be like the other girls, but I simply didn't get the butterflies for boys or any of that stuff. To me, boys were just friends. I enjoyed spending time with some them, just because we ahd similar hobbies and sometimes girls would only talk about how much they liked boys and I didn't like that, but fortunately I found girls with similar interests as me outside of romance and we became friends. (I swear I was not trying to be a pick me girl, but I was just really struggling to relate and make true friends).

Now, regarding my current relationship, I have been together with this amazing guy. He is really sweet and he most definitely truly loves me. He is the greenest flag someone could imagine, but it's been eating my soul because I feel like I can't deliver the same level of love. I feel like this is a friendship and nk matter how hard I try, my body can't feel the need to cuddle, or do stereotypical couple things.

One time we did kiss, but it was mostly out of guilt because I felt bad for putting him in bad situation. I accidentally messed up and he got scared (I guess he isn't that much into extreme sports). I tried to fix it with a kiss and for that moment it definitely worked, but now, I feel like I'm lying to myself.

I really care about the friendship and his feelings which is why I'm still in the relationship, but he will never get the same reaction from me compared to when my this girl I liked would like my story. At some point after a "date" I got a text from by best friend and somehow that's what made my day better, not the date.

I really want to understand myself and figure out what to do in order to not hurt more people in the future and find happiness myself. If you have been in a similar situation or have anything helpful to comment, please do, I am willing to learn.