u/megglefly

If this was a fucking cure for my infertility then I would fucking jump right on it.

It was my due date yesterday. I was told by a new fertility doc that my taking an antidepressant could have caused my miscarriage in December. I’m about to start CD1 of my TWENTY FIRST cycle, in total almost two years of trying. There is literally no happiness in my fucking life.

My friends all abandoned me when my miscarriage happened. I have no one living close by to support me. My husband is not hurt by our miscarriage really. My therapist says to work on acceptance. I am estranged from my family. Every fucking person seems to expect that I’ve moved on I guess?

I don’t have happy things in my life anymore. Sunlight doesn’t touch my heart anymore. I have to stop my antidepressant, as per my fertility clinic, so that’ll definitely make things fucking worse. Anytime an objectively happy thing happens I already don’t feel it - infertility and my loss have taken all the light out of my life.

BuT tRy a HoBbY they’ll say. They’re all fucking trauma filled now. Do you realize how many stories and shows and movies have pregnancy or loss in them? I was knitting before all this … last thing was an unfinished onesie for my baby and I haven’t picked up my needles since. Don’t have the headspace for music, or doing a puzzle, or going outside. Even my dogs’ cute antics don’t warm me anymore.

I’m such a fucking piece of shit sad sack of a human with a stupid fucking body that won’t fucking work and honestly if I could snap my fingers and die I would do it immediately. I have absolutely zero will to live. I just want my baby back in my arms, and I will never once get to hold her, and instead I am just left sad and fucking alone.

All the basic details are in my flair. Two people I know shared positive pregnancy tests today. I’m soon coming up on the two year mark of TTC. My supposed to be due date is in two weeks.

I don’t know how to keep living like this, if you can call it living. I’m sad all the fucking time. All the time. At this point if I’m just going to die alone I would rather it just happen sooner. I do not have the will to keep living through this.

For any that will ask: we’re with a fertility clinic. I’m on my 8th cycle of Letrozole. HSG clear, husband’s SA is fine. We can’t afford IVF. Yes, I’m on antidepressants and I have a therapist.

For those of you with PCOS, can you walk me through your protocol? I’m new to all this, but my clinic said that PCOS didn’t really change their protocol or any tweaks they would make, and this seems odd to me.

For context:
33F. My PCOS = high androgens, insulin resistance, facial hair; no actual cysts that I have been made aware of. AMH is 11.2 pmol (1.65). Our sperm analysis was good. I have no thyroid so I am on synthroid on an appropriate dosage to keep TSH/T4 in check.

I’m currently in my 7th cycle of Letrozole. They have been as follows:
1 - 2.5mg, failed
2 - 2.5mg, positive (MMC later)
3 - 2.5mg, failed
4 - 5mg, failed
5 - 5mg, failed
6 - 5mg, failed
7 - 5mg, currently in it

We recently had an appointment with my fertility clinic. They have not been helpful really through any of this process; the med change was through a doctor not attached to the clinic. They haven’t said how long to be on Letrozole for before giving up, but it kinda seemed like they wanted me to make a decision? They gave me no info about how to make a decision, no matter how much I asked.

33F with 39M. Cycle 19 of trying, since August 2024. I have PCOS.

Context: 33F with 39M. Clear HSG. Great SA. Had a MMC in December 2025 on 2.5mg Letrozole. I don’t know what kind of PCOS I have - my cycles were erratic but all under 35 days, there was perhaps high androgens. I feel like my family doctor just slapped the diagnosis on me to shut me up, but family doctors are hard to come by so I’m stuck with him.

My clinic has kind of sucked the whole time, but I didn’t know until after my D&C at the follow-up appointment, when the surgeon who did it looked over my bloodwork results and fertility work up and became alarmed at how the clinic was proceeding. I had been with my clinic for 2 medicated cycles on 2.5mg Letrozole with timed intercourse every other day on days 10-20. Basically the surgeon (gyno) noticed the bloodwork was indicating a weak ovulation response to the Letrozole, and she suggested a higher dose. She also suggested progesterone for if I became pregnant again as peace of mind. When I contacted my clinic about both these things (mid cycle 3 on 2.5mg), they flat out refused, so the gyno prescribed them anyway. This will be my fourth cycle on 5mg Letrozole. I didn’t notice anything in my body on 2.5mg, but on 5mg I did (felt ovulation, finally got positive OPKs, experienced pms emotions before my period started which I never had before). My most recent cycle of Letrozole was different - it had the lowest bloodwork I’d ever had, and my luteal phase was only 10 days long.

Following this, I had two phone calls.

The first was with the gyno. She found the recent cycle troubling, and thought that the fertility clinic should look into the shorter luteal phase. There were also some tests I was requesting for peace of mind (endometrial biopsy, hysteroscopy and/or SIS), but she didn’t feel comfortable requesting those without the fertility clinic being involved. She wrote me a prescription for higher Letrozole (7.5mg for next cycle), and is trying to refer me to a different doctor in the fertility clinic because they have been stonewalling me the entire time (see below for the most recent).

The second phone call was with the fertility clinic.
- She was upset that I was on a higher Letrozole dose (risk of multiples was her reason), and flat out ignored that there were signs my body was responding (boosted bloodwork numbers, finally catching surge on opks, feeling ovulation, experiencing pms emotions prior to my period starting).
- She denied that a 10 day luteal phase was a problem, stating that there is no research to support treating a luteal phase problem changed live birth outcomes.
- I asked her for the same tests listed above. She said that if I did those tests, it wouldn’t change the protocols they offer. I questioned about if it found silent endometriosis, and she responded with “1/4 to 1/2 of clinic patients have endometriosis and having it or treating/excising it doesn’t change our protocols.” This seems insane to me.
- I asked her what next steps would be. She said I could continue Letrozole, could do IUI, or could do IVF. Like yes, I know those are the options - but what should happen next? I could not get her to commit to an answer.
- I asked her if IUI was worth it in my case, as we don’t have sperm issues. She said it would likely be unmonitored with no trigger shot (this seems a strange tack to take with PCOS), so to me it just seems like a really expensive way to take Letrozole. I asked her if it would make any difference to what we’re doing now, and she said “it might bump it up a bit.” She refused to say when we should stop trying Letrozole/timed intercourse on its own to proceed with this, but did note we should stop at 4 IUI cycles.
- I asked her about IVF, and whether that made sense at this point. She said my AMH was on the lower side (11.2), but not much more than that. She talked through the broad strokes of IVF, which I more or less understand.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if we have proof that Letrozole doesn’t work when there haven’t been enough consistent cycles at ovulation threshold (30nmol). I don’t know if I want to trust this clinic with my IVF care if they are so nonchalant and non-personal about my case at this moment, but they’re the only one local to me. I don’t feel like I have enough information to make this decision, and I could not get her to give me any direction. At this point in my doom spiralling I’m considering whether or not to do IVF abroad where at least if I’m disappointed it won’t cost me $30, 000 (I’m located in Canada, our insurance doesn’t cover it, and I’ve heard abroad can do it for much cheaper with good quality??).

I feel lost, trapped, frustrated, scared. This is not where I thought I would be.

Context: 33F with 39M. Clear HSG. Great SA. Had a MMC in December 2025 on 2.5mg Letrozole. I don’t know what kind of PCOS I have - my cycles were erratic but all under 35 days, there was perhaps high androgens. I feel like my family doctor just slapped the diagnosis on me to shut me up, but family doctors are hard to come by so I’m stuck with him.

My clinic has kind of sucked the whole time, but I didn’t know until after my D&C at the follow-up appointment, when the surgeon who did it looked over my bloodwork results and fertility work up and became alarmed at how the clinic was proceeding. I had been with my clinic for 2 medicated cycles on 2.5mg Letrozole with timed intercourse every other day on days 10-20. Basically the surgeon (gyno) noticed the bloodwork was indicating a weak ovulation response to the Letrozole, and she suggested a higher dose. She also suggested progesterone for if I became pregnant again as peace of mind. When I contacted my clinic about both these things (mid cycle 3 on 2.5mg), they flat out refused, so the gyno prescribed them anyway. This will be my fourth cycle on 5mg Letrozole. I didn’t notice anything in my body on 2.5mg, but on 5mg I did (felt ovulation, finally got positive OPKs, experienced pms emotions before my period started which I never had before). My most recent cycle of Letrozole was different - it had the lowest bloodwork I’d ever had, and my luteal phase was only 10 days long.

Following this, I had two phone calls.

The first was with the gyno. She found the recent cycle troubling, and thought that the fertility clinic should look into the shorter luteal phase. There were also some tests I was requesting for peace of mind (endometrial biopsy, hysteroscopy and/or SIS), but she didn’t feel comfortable requesting those without the fertility clinic being involved. She wrote me a prescription for higher Letrozole (7.5mg for next cycle), and is trying to refer me to a different doctor in the fertility clinic because they have been stonewalling me the entire time (see below for the most recent).

The second phone call was with the fertility clinic.
- She was upset that I was on a higher Letrozole dose (risk of multiples was her reason), and flat out ignored that there were signs my body was responding (boosted bloodwork numbers, finally catching surge on opks, feeling ovulation, experiencing pms emotions prior to my period starting).
- She denied that a 10 day luteal phase was a problem, stating that there is no research to support treating a luteal phase problem changed live birth outcomes.
- I asked her for the same tests listed above. She said that if I did those tests, it wouldn’t change the protocols they offer. I questioned about if it found silent endometriosis, and she responded with “1/4 to 1/2 of clinic patients have endometriosis and having it or treating/excising it doesn’t change our protocols.” This seems insane to me.
- I asked her what next steps would be. She said I could continue Letrozole, could do IUI, or could do IVF. Like yes, I know those are the options - but what should happen next? I could not get her to commit to an answer.
- I asked her if IUI was worth it in my case, as we don’t have sperm issues. She said it would likely be unmonitored with no trigger shot (this seems a strange tack to take with PCOS), so to me it just seems like a really expensive way to take Letrozole. I asked her if it would make any difference to what we’re doing now, and she said “it might bump it up a bit.” She refused to say when we should stop trying Letrozole/timed intercourse on its own to proceed with this, but did note we should stop at 4 IUI cycles.
- I asked her about IVF, and whether that made sense at this point. She said my AMH was on the lower side (11.2), but not much more than that. She talked through the broad strokes of IVF, which I more or less understand.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if we have proof that Letrozole doesn’t work when there haven’t been enough consistent cycles at ovulation threshold (30nmol). I don’t know if I want to trust this clinic with my IVF care if they are so nonchalant and non-personal about my case at this moment, but they’re the only one local to me. I don’t feel like I have enough information to make this decision, and I could not get her to give me any direction. At this point in my doom spiralling I’m considering whether or not to do IVF abroad where at least if I’m disappointed it won’t cost me $30, 000 (I’m located in Canada, our insurance doesn’t cover it, and I’ve heard abroad can do it for much cheaper with good quality??).

I feel lost, trapped, frustrated, scared. This is not where I thought I would be.

The basics: husband’s sperm analysis fine, my HSG was clear. I have PCOS and I’m on metformin 3x daily. We had a MMC in December. We got to work with a fertility clinic after the 12 month mark last summer, at which point they prescribed me Letrozole. In total we’ve been trying for almost 2 years.

I’ve had counselling (and continue to) since my loss, but honestly since then I have lost all hope and any sunlight in my life. Like I don’t know how to live anymore - I don’t feel like picking up my hobbies, and I don’t have friends nearby (or really at all). I don’t feel hope anymore. I feel like my life is just watching the days of each cycle tick by. I don’t know how to keep going like this.

So this was my 6th cycle. I’m currently 10DPO. After Feb my dose was doubled because a doctor wanted my progesterone higher than it was in the previous cycles. I responded well to the increased dose on cycles 4 and 5, but this one is lower than any medicated cycle I’ve had.

I know progesterone pulses, but this seems dramatically low. I’m supposed to get follow up bloodwork every cd 24 (or whatever day is close if cd 24 falls on a weekend).

I just don’t know what to think. Cycle data below.

1 - Letrozole 2.5mg, cd 23 on sept 20: estradiol 173 pmol/l, progesterone 28.5 nmol
2 - Letrozole 2.5 mg, cd 23 on Oct 20: estradiol 247 pmol/l, progesterone 25.9 nmol (this cycle resulted in a positive, but ultimately a miscarriage)
3 - Letrozole 2.5 mg, cd 24 on Feb 12: estradiol 199 pmol/l, progesterone 27.4 nmol
4 - Letrozole 5 mg, cd 24 on Mar 13: estradiol 365 pmol/l, progesterone 44.7 nmol
5 - Letrozole 5 mg, cd 24 on Apr 11: estradiol 206 pmol/l, progesterone 41.3 nmol
6 - Letrozole 5mg, cd 23 on May 8: estradiol 170 pmol/l, progesterone 21.2 nmol

To add to things, my fertility clinic just wants progesterone above 10. However the gynecologist who did my d&c was very concerned by my numbers which is why she doubled my dose (which, incidentally, my fertility clinic didn’t clock, at least through bloodwork numbers). So I know my fertility clinic won’t care about this drop.

Does anyone have insight or experience with this kind of thing?

So as you can see in my flair, having a long, rough time of things. But so many things conspired this week that are making this weekend hurt so hard:

- a student of mine asked about my date tattoo on my arm that I got for my baby I lost. It’s very obvious, so I don’t know why they hadn’t noticed it earlier, but I was caught off guard.
- another student of mine asked with pure, gentle curiosity, why I didn’t have kids and if I wanted kids. I gently educated them on why that is not always a safe question to ask.
- I was supposed to be 32 weeks this weekend, and I haven’t been successful in our attempts since. Currently 9DPO but I don’t carry hope anymore.
- last summer we ordered hundreds of trees to be planted this spring. When we realized I was pregnant we cancelled the order because I wouldn’t be physically able to help plant them with how far along I was. They came anyway, and now this weekend we have to plant them, and who the fuck knew I could be triggered by trees.
- I’m estranged from my mom. My friends stopped talking to me after my miscarriage. My husband definitely does not realize it’s Mother’s Day weekend or how significant it would be.
- I’m on Letrozole, and this is my 6th cycle. Partway through we doubled my dose and now in my TWW and into my period, I get so out of control insanely emotional. I cry all the time. And I can feel that starting to hit.

I do have counselling coming this week but I am just so so sad, as so many of us are. With my MMC, we’re coming up on 2 years of trying. Before anyone asks, husband’s sperm analysis is fine. I’m the problem here.