Fiance (34M) goes stone cold for days at a time. I (30F) have no idea what to do anymore?
We have been together for five years, engaged for a little over a year now. Not actively planning a wedding because neither of us enjoy all the fuss.
I have a happy relationship for the most part, I feel very well taken care of and loved - except for these spells? Episodes? Who knows. Every now and then my fiancé will go completely stone cold, I’m talking one word answers, half smiles, avoiding me, he sleeps on the couch or if he comes to bed he has his back to me, even to the point where if I give him a hug once he gets home from work he’ll just leave his arms hanging at his side. Now granted - I am a very affectionate person, physical touch is much more important to me than it is to him, but when I ask him for a hug or to sit on the sofa with me and he rolls his eyes and goes to another room and it feels.. hurtful. In the past he’s explained it as being stress driven, and I encourage him to just communicate that to me so it doesn’t make me panic internally.
Some maybe necessary context - In my past relationship I suffered a lot of domestic violence, which I feel has made me hyper aware of mood changes, which then of course gives me anxiety. When I feel these multi day/week shifts from my partner, my anxiety goes through the roof - because I know there’s a problem, but I don’t know what the problem is, so I can’t try to fix it. I try to give him grace for a few days, but when I eventually ask I just get “I’m fine” over and over and over. I feel like I’m going a little bit crazy because it doesn’t *feel* fine. I do try to communicate that I can feel the difference, he just says I’m making something out of nothing.
A lot of the time, but not always, once we pick his son up (50/50 arrangements, I adore this kid) these moods go away, and he’s back to being the man I want to marry.
We have a healthy, happy, emotionally intimate relationship otherwise, but it’s like he flicks a switch and I’m left out in the dark. I have communicated how it makes me feel, and how his lack of communication triggers me somewhat. While I grew up in a secure family, he grew up in a volatile house and I do wonder if this is his coping mechanism, I have gently suggested seeing someone but he doesn’t see any issue with this behaviour.
I don’t know what to do about it, but it makes me feel very confused and unwanted. This only happens once a month for a few days, maybe a week if it’s bad, but it’s starting to feel like it’s damaging our relationship. I have started noticing myself go from feeling anxious and empathetic - to apathetic. It is his birthday next week and I cannot find the motivation to spoil him as I usually would.
If none of this made sense I apologise it’s 1am in my corner of the world.