u/mickey5499

I’m going on almost a week since I officially kicked my one year old’s father out of my house. In that time, he’s gone back and forth from making veiled suicide threats to pulling a “we need to be mature, let me see my daughter” to chastising me for asking him if we can start to either work out a specific custody or child support arrangement so we’re not flying day by day. He’s complaining about being “homeless” but had three months living here rent free since I broke up with him so he could save money and find a place, and look what happened? Didn’t save shit, so back at his mom’s. But he can’t have her there overnight because his family is not safe, and that’s somehow my fault. Idk. I hate this.

I just keep sobbing because I didn’t want this. I wanted a family with him. We sat in the hospital together, cried, committed that we would make things work when she came home. And instead, he got worse and worse. And every day I am accepting more and more that what I was experiencing, still am experiencing even as I try to distance myself from him, is abuse.

I don’t even know how to feel anymore. I just want him to be a decent human being so at least the coparenting part doesn’t seem so hard, but it’s like since the day I peed on that stick he turned evil, and he wasn’t a peach before then either. I feel like such a dumb failure some days. And I’m laying here with my daughter asleep and happy on my chest, so I can’t be too much of a failure, but this just wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go.

I’m going on almost a week since I officially kicked my one year old’s father out of my house. In that time, he’s gone back and forth from making veiled suicide threats to pulling a “we need to be mature, let me see my daughter” to chastising me for asking him if we can start to either work out a specific custody or child support arrangement so we’re not flying day by day. He’s complaining about being “homeless” but had three months living here rent free since I broke up with him so he could save money and find a place, and look what happened? Didn’t save shit, so back at his mom’s. But he can’t have her there overnight because his family is not safe, and that’s somehow my fault. Idk. I hate this.

I just keep sobbing because I didn’t want this. I wanted a family with him. We sat in the hospital together, cried, committed that we would make things work when she came home. And instead, he got worse and worse. And every day I am accepting more and more that what I was experiencing, still am experiencing even as I try to distance myself from him, is abuse.

I don’t even know how to feel anymore. I just want him to be a decent human being so at least the coparenting part doesn’t seem so hard, but it’s like since the day I peed on that stick he turned evil, and he wasn’t a peach before then either. I feel like such a dumb failure some days. And I’m laying here with my daughter asleep and happy on my chest, so I can’t be too much of a failure, but this just wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go.

Going on 5 weeks of this medication now, just took my first 5 mg dose last week and now plan on staying here until weight loss stops, then going up as necessary.

This medication is a revelation! I’ve struggled with my weight and have experienced disordered eating and binge/purge or binge/starve cycles as far back as I can remember (if anyone can relate, I was heavily involved in some very unhealthy ED communities on tumblr and kik throughout my teen years). I have always found myself fixated on food in one direction or the other, feeling like I need to binge or that I don’t deserve to eat. When people talked about “listening to my body’s hunger signals” I didn’t understand what that meant and honestly kinda thought everyone was lying about it being that simple. I now know that for those people it actually IS that simple, and I now get to be ONE of them.

Accomplishments from this past month that genuinely would have never been possible before:
-leaving a plate half finished because I felt full
-got small or mediums combos instead of larges every time
-drank a ton more water because soda is seeming grosser
-going to impulse order late night binge food for delivery, scrolling uber eats, and deciding I actually am not feeling that hungry before ordering
-feeling genuine desire to pick healthier and more balanced meals overall

I’ve wanted to start this med for awhile, especially after pregnancy and severe preeclampsia last year caused me to gain even more and hit my personal highest weight, so when I finished breastfeeding this was one of the first things I did for myself. I know many people do not see month one results, so very grateful for that, and also preparing myself for the loss rate to slow down a bit, but seeing these results has already been so empowering. Excited to continue this journey!!!

I was released from the psychiatric hospital yesterday following a near suicide attempt last week; 9 month of untreated PPD combined with repeated alcohol relapses and my underlying BPD and bipolar became a firestorm of feeling like a terrible mother, like I was in a constant state of failing my daughter. I am so ashamed for having come so close to leaving her here without me. 

They restarted me on psych meds, but unfortunately they advised me it’s not safe to breastfeed on lithium, so I had to wean suddenly with no warning, though she was already being combo fed and was down to just a few breastfeedings a day which I guess helped slightly. But she seems so confused and upset that mommy is back and yet randomly will not let her nurse, ESPECIALLY last night. She just keeps crying and shoving her face into my breasts and looking at me not understanding, it’s making me sob too. Had to sing the Ms. Rachel Big Feelings song, more for me than her to be honest.

The guilt I feel over almost leaving her here, leaving her without a mom is so immense. Now that I am a few days medicated, the idea that it would even be a possibility in my mind to leave her here feels dirty and awful. 

I am setup with an outpatient evening program to begin next week, and it’s somewhere I’ve gone before years ago but lapsed in attending; I hope I can really use it this time, I know she deserves me to be better for her.