u/milk2929

Im a runner, im petite, im not even thin by running standards and dont look very thin physically. I have lipedema from a surgery so my stomach is always “fat,” but the “rest of me” is fit. I am 5 or so feet tall. I don’t gain muscle easily because of my thyroid issues that caused the surgery. (But do not try to tell the body positive people that, because apparently body positivity is reserved for tall and big people like the Plus Sized Park Hoppers and no one else).

EVERY time someone big wants to mess with me, when I’m minding my own business, on a run, in a comment section talking about something completely irrelevant, they comment on how small I am and threaten to exert physical power over me. Especially tall women with mild muscle (most of which is fat that is just shaped to mild muscle actually). These are not fit people. They were just born bigger. And so they are usually bullies with extreme internalized misogyny because a lot of women are insecure about largeness and transfer the anger to small women.

I am SO TIRED of pretending bullying a woman (or AFAB person) for being small is anything but misogyny. It’s the antithesis of the body positivity they screech about. And again, I have a disease thay makes my stomach big. That is not the point. The point is they hate people who actually perform health rituals AND happen to be small. The insecurity combo of you being athletic and small makes them project this image of hate onto you for just existing small. They want to make you feel bad so the only way they can is threatening you physically and calling you small or weak. I see them as no different than catcalling men. They hate small women’s bodies. They hate small women who TRY despite their size. They hate women who don’t hate themselves for things they CANT change. The crime of being small.

My partner is absolutely coercive. It started with sex (“we never have sex anymore, if we don’t I’m leaving you!”) and now it’s evolved into everything. Any conversation I have attempted to have one on one without bringing anyone else into the mix has resulted in HER trying to triangulate and “get ahead of being cancelled.” (Super normal!!). And then bully me into silence. So I’ve been silent on her abuse for a while.

For example when I went home to visit my family for my sister’s birthday, she spent the entire time taking passive aggressive jabs at me: “I have to monitor you through your Instagram stories,” “why aren’t you texting me?” “You’re texting me TOO MUCH!” “If you want to see your family so long why don’t you just move out when you get back/we can break up!”

The reason I even stayed so long near my family was it was about to be HER birthday, and she was having a celebration close to where my family is. Assuming my partner of 6 years would want me to go, I tried to communicate excessively about planning it. She BPD split on me, accused me of being irresponsible for “leaving her alone (lol?)” no matter how much I explained my plain reasoning. I truly spoke as plainly and honestly as possible, but she always tried to provoke a deeper evil meaning to any choice i made.

She ignored me for days, tried to withhold affection from me, made me cry from the threats and distracted me from my time home (she always does this when we are apart, but is so self centered she only sees it as one sided and claims i am the one who does it to her).

I folded (traumatically), went back to her early, and she was all cheery like nothing had ever happened. No discussion. Nothing. Then she leaves for her birthday celebration away from me and tells me to plan something for her when she gets back, so I planned something like she asked to keep her happy. That is our whole relationship, her coercing me into behaviors that buy me safety and then her telling some bullshit story to her equally disordered friends that I’m the one love bombing or something. But I just do it so I’m safe. I feel so much resentment for that and I tell her that directly.

Today: I’m in the ER with a broken toe right now, genuinely worried it will have to be amputated, because she is such a hoarder her stuff is everywhere in the apartment and me and the cats have nowhere to move at all. Well I was moving through her mess and doing her laundry so I had SOMEWHERE to walk, and the cats ran under me and tripped me. So now I have a broken toe. I text her about this, citing i feel resentment over her hoarding, and how now I won’t be able to run (my hobby and the only thing keeping me sane) and she goes CANCEL THE BIRTHDAY TRIP!! Fine!! I’ll never ask you to do anything again! Im better off without you!! Plus a bunch of digs at my character and bullying me.

I can’t win. I know Im being abused because three therapists have already told me and even offered me domestic abuse shelter. But I convinced myself if I was just mean back it wouldn’t be considered abuse and it would be fine. She probably knows that because she threatens to blackmail me with my “mean texts” where I call her behavior assholey. I don’t know how to get out of this when I’m so tired.

I found texts from my BPD partner saying if I ever leave them, they will cancel me as punishment because when they unleash on me verbally I just started doing it back. They don’t have the self awareness or wherewithal to notice they are verbally abusive. I truly, sincerely thought eventually they would. My therapist even gave me the advice: start just doing it back so they can see how they sound. Otherwise i wouldn’t be here still. But what bothers me is yeah, they will probably be able to turn people against me and witch hunt me so they stay the perpetual victim. I feel like Amber Heard. I never did anything physical with them obviously but when they would not talk to me for 6 days, threaten to cheat on me, publicly humiliate me, and say they were going to leave if I didn’t do what they wanted- I would call them evil, stupid, and a bad person to their face. Sometimes I would text it after days of BPD splitting on me and not sleeping for days, they’d send me the screenshot back after breaking me down and go “see how you talk to me?” But nobody will see what they did to get me there. And it’s very trendy on TikTok now to see the phrase “you made me say/do it” as a manipulation tactic. I wish I never met them. I feel so sick and tired and trapped.