You're not a bad person.
Before I get to the main point, I wanna talk about how last year went for me and why I was completely convinced that I'm a bad person.
Last year I was in a relationship that genuinely made me feel like I'm horrible. It's not something they said or did, no, they were actually very wonderful. It was my brain. I kept distancing myself and then coming back to them over and over again (was especially bad in manic episodes) and they stayed by my side through it all. At one point I ended the relationship and went on a date with a random guy I met because I was going through a HIGH high and thought it was a great idea. Again, came right back to them and got back together once again. They waited for me. I felt terrible.
I ended up breaking up with them a few months later because I saw how much it burdened them even though they said they can handle it. I distanced myself after that after saying I wanna stay friends, because I knew they need time to process everything before we can start a friendship. They made the decision to cut all contact later that year, and I respected (still respect) that.
Obviously I went through a lot of analysing and thinking so I could somehow understand my behaviour and better myself, but when I fell into an extremely low low, I told myself I'm just searching for excuses and that I'm actually just a bad person.
Crawled out of that hole and when my mood finally stabilised itself, I talked about it to my psychiatrist and also to my therapist and after many talks and many phone calls crying to my best friend, I learned that instead of holding onto last year, I should instead start looking for a way to grow as a person.
How can I better myself? What could I do to prevent something like that from happening again? What were they feeling when I was going through an episode?
At some point I dmed them, apologising for my awful behaviour and that they're a good person and that I'm always gonna be here if they wanna be friends again. I never expected an answer but I wanted them to know. And guess what I realised then. Instead of literally telling someone you're doing better, just SHOW it instead. Be a better person. Not just for the person you've hurt but for yourself and everyone around you. We still have no contact and I doubt that'll ever change, but i'm content with that.
I still have a long journey in front of me, and a lot of healing to do. But please just don't think you're a horrible person for suffering from this disorder. It's a mental illness that you didn't choose and you might have hurt some people in the past, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. You'd only be a bad person if you wouldn't care about the way you acted, if you would never think of it again, and would put no effort into bettering yourself.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm always gonna feel bad for my ex partner whom I've hurt with something I felt like I couldn't control, but instead of being sad about it forever, I'm gonna move on. I'm not gonna be that person forever, and I'm allowing myself to grow and bloom to a better version of myself.
They might always think of you as that one person who hurt them, but that doesn't mean you're always gonna be that same person who did that. Learn to forgive yourself. Breathe. We're all trying to survive on this planet and we might get hurt or hurt others on our journey.
It's okay.