u/minced_moomin_meat

20F but have no friends, no past or present boyfriends, nobody who would notice if i went missing tomorrow aside from my parents and brother, who would probably feel a mild sense of relief. i’m cripplingly shy and have a hard time making friends because i ended up stunting myself emotionally and socially by isolating myself during my formative teenage years in my room playing video games all day.

i have no skills or passions or any real reason to wake up in the morning aside from the fact that i simply do. i go to college but i have no real interests and the only reason why i’ve managed to pass into my junior year is by cheating and locking in last minute.

even when i do manage to study and do well on an exam, i feel nothing. no accomplishment or pride or satisfaction, just the mildest sense of relief it’s finally over. there’s never a feeling of reward for me, i just feel hollow and like i’m not a real person most of the time.

i wish i could drop out of school and sleep the rest of my life away, but my mom won’t let me live with her for free. i’d have to pay $1k a month to live with her, and then do all the housework and let her track my location with her phone all the time. it feels stifling, but i also can’t help but feel like she can’t wait to get rid of me. she told me she coddled me too much as a kid and she wants to kick me out so i learn to fly on my own, but i don’t know how to tell her i’m not a fighter, i have zero desire to actually learn how to live as a real adult, i’ll just lie down and give up.

i am diagnosed with autism and depression and my psychiatrist keeps switching my medication, but nothing ever helps. i don’t think the problem is my depression, i think the problem is that i’m simply built wrong and not fit to be alive. i’m not suicidal or anything but i wish i could fall asleep tomorrow and never wake up. being alive requires an effort i can’t muster.

hi! sorry if this post isn’t allowed, i’d like to hear opinions of someone who might have experience with the job corps program or a maritime academy, specifically the one in New York. i’m very interested in pursuing a seamanship career, but i’m not sure which one is better to get my foot in the door. on one hand, the job corps program is shorter and inexpensive, but on the other side of the country. the new york maritime academy is very local to me, but pricy and takes longer to graduate. so i’m not sure which one to go with!

everything takes so much effort and there’s nothing i’m passionate about or enjoy doing. i wish i could do nothing but play video games and read all day. how do normal people do regular things without thinking about it at all?