u/missexaltation

Hi there. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, only with depression and GAD, but there were some very bad periods in my life when my brain just decided to flood me with disgusting images (necrophilic, zoophilic, incestuous, etc.). I don't remember sharing them with doctors cause I was always too ashamed to admit having them. When I was a kid (I'm 30), I remember having thoughts about my violin teacher (male in his 50s) being a pedophile, and these thoughts made me very ashamed of myself and I tried to pray a lot. In 2020 my grandmother died (we were very close) and it felt like my brain had been collecting the worst possible images to show me when I was at my lowest. Felt like my very own brain attacked me when I felt the most vulnerable. It hadn't been bothering me for a while, but recently my first cat died (though I haven't been living with her since 2018) and I began to experience all this horrible stuff again. I am ashamed to be around my dogs, I cannot have sex with my husband, I don't want to be around other people but at the same time I'm afraid to be all by myself cause I don't want to give my brain all the freedom it could use. I know these thoughts do not reflect who I am, but this understanding doesn't make it easier. I sometimes even think I made it worse myself cause I love horror movies and taboo topics and true crime stories and stuff like that. I feel a lot of shame and anger and just wish my brain could be "normal".