u/misskari21

I feel so dirty and disgusting. I can’t believe this happened!!! I have no idea how I’m going to clean it up especially because it’s the middle of the night and I can’t let anyone know I was purging. If having an eating disorder wasn’t embarrassing enough, now THIS?! I’m so angry with myself. I wish I could just disappear. Or at least want to undo the situation. I should have never eaten tonight. This must be God’s way of telling me I’m not worthy of food. 😢

TRIGGER WARNING (No numbers)

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So, I was hospitalized for my ED for four days with severe electrolyte imbalances, kidney strain, low blood pressure/oxygen, severe weight loss, bone issues, and heart arrhythmia. I was ready for recovery, I told my doctor I needed help so she slowly reintroduced food back in me. Unfortunately, my mom had to be my mom and I came home and relapsed because of her. I was doing very well, and I was proud of myself. I also saw my weight on my meal plan (they weighed me blindly and weren’t supposed to show me my weight lol) and it triggered me. I gained so much in there, I’m not freezing anymore, not dizzy, not weak, not shaky, not tired… honestly, I miss it. I miss feeling that way. Is that weird? I miss my bones being in excruciating pain and my chest hurting… I miss it all!!! I’ve only been away from Ed for four days but it feels like a lifetime! I want to be hungry and feel empty again. I want the euphoria back. I thought I was ready for recovery but I’m not. Unfortunately, my parents will have my head if I do it again. Neither of them understand ED, and it’s frustrating!!! They don’t believe it’s a mental illness, they think I’m doing it on purpose and social media caused it. No. Social media didn’t, they did. My parents caused this they just don’t take accountability for anything. I’m lost, guys. I’m so depressed and numb, I just want to feel. And hunger is my favorite feeling. 😢

I ate less than half an Italian sub and now feel shameful…

I have atypical anorexia nervosa and I’ve been consuming under 500 calories a day while burning 700-1,000 a day. I’ve felt in control and disciplined and great but suddenly I don’t feel so great. I lost control and caved. The total calories in the sub are 390, so why am I freaking? If it’s all I eat all day, it shouldn’t matter, but I guess I’m so used to binging and purging at night rather than actually keeping it down at night. Everything was going great, I’m the most energetic I’ve been in a long time because of exercise and plus I feel euphoric from restricting. I wish though, that people actually took me as sick rather than encouraging my ED because I’m not thin or emaciated. I always feel like I’m not sick enough for my family to care. I swear I’m not pro-Ana, I just overtell when I talk about my life on social media. There’s a part of me that still wants to recover, but my family encourages my habits telling me I’ve lost weight, I look great, the usual that they say when I’m in a relapse. And since that happens, I feel like there’s not a problem most of the time and what I’m doing is normal. I honestly don’t know if it’s normal. My inner voice says it’s not but my other voice says it is. Ugh. I’m sorry — just ranting. I can’t talk to anyone else about this.