I might be in love with my friend
Hello Reddit! This is my first time using reddit so wish me luck.
I (22F) have a huge crush on my friend, we can call him Joe (25M). I first met Joe almost two years ago. The moment I laid eyes on him I thought he was attractive. I've never been one to develop a crush solely based on looks but observing his behavior and then later getting to know him made me start crushing on him.
Unfortunately, I'm not the only one that feels this way. My friend group jokes that everyone has a Joe phase, in which they are in love with Joe and pretty much everyone agrees he is attractive.
The first year we knew each other we weren't close at all, we were a part of the same church congregation and large friend group, so we saw each other every week and chatted, but so did everyone else in the group so it was nothing special. I even started playing pickleball so that I had an excuse to hangout with him more (now I just genuinely like the sport lol).
After getting to know him a bit I really wanted to ask him out, but was far too nervous to do it directly. So I asked him to be my plus one to a wedding of someone we both knew. He seemed down to do it, but the timing didn't work out for him. He was in a local musical production at the time and had rehearsals (his roommates fact checked that this was indeed true). Where I hesitate is the fact that he didn't say something like "I'll make up to you and we can do something else".
After this I decided it would be better off if we were just friends, mostly out of fear of embarrassing myself if I did anything further. I'm so glad I decided this! It took all pressure off of all our social interactions. He soon became one of my closest friends.
About 9 months ago/ a year and some change into me and Joe's friendship, my depression really started acting up. I opened up to Joe and his roommates about it one night when I was feeling unsafe to be alone and asked to come over. I'm so glad I wasn't anything besides friends with Joe at this point because I would have been way to embarrassed to open up. That first night I opened up to them they let me stay over at there place for as long as I needed, we watched SNL, random YouTube videos and Joe made me ramen.
This soon became a weekly occurrence. It was truly the darkest time in my life and I'm still coming out of it. We would joke that that group of roommates were my therapists. They would check in on me about how my new meds were going and debrief with me after awful therapy appointments, talk me through so many bad nights.
One occasion that sticks out in my mind is when I was having a breakdown in my car in the middle of a random parking lot. I had called a different friend who wasn't close by and she tried contacting people who were close enough to come get me. She contacted Joe, who was a 15 minute drive away spending time with his grandparents. He dropped everything and came to make sure I was ok. We talked for hours, he made me food and I slept on his couch that night.
Fast forward to now and I am living abroad. I find myself really missing all of my friends but especially Joe. It doesn't help that Joe recently told me he and his girlfriend of 8 months broke up. I feel like I'm back in that "Joe Phase" all over again. I cannot stop thinking about how he would make such a good boyfriend and how much I love him.
My fear is that when I come back home soon that our dynamics will change because I am crushing on him (I always become a different version of myself when I like someone, I can't help it). I don't want dynamics to change, I cannot afford to lose a friend of this good of quality.
In the same way I fear that if I asked him out, we could not go back to current dynamics, or the dynamics of before I left.
Another part of me doesn't want to ask him out because if we did start dating he'd be burdened with all my crap and he doesn't deserve that.
Any advice? Advice on how to squash my crush? Advice on how to sneakily see if he's interested in dating? Anything is welcome. Let me know if anything needs clarification.