u/mjsss009

I’ll be wrapping up my LPN here soon. I’m looking around at nursing homes/ALFs in the area or other places that generally hire LPNs. Are there any that aren’t like the horror stories (rude/unhelpful staff, unsafe ratios, dirty building, unrealistic expectations for care with said unsafe ratios, etc)..I work for Corewell as a NT right now and I’m already really not excited to leave the hospital for long term care.

I changed my name because my birth name carries a lot of weight and trauma associated with it. It’s been years. Nobody in my family respects the change, my birth name gets shouted out in attendance even though I email my professors well in advance to please not do that, and I found out my family resents me for changing my name. My aunt died thinking I was a disappointment to my mom and a “weirdo” for the change.

I’m tired. My birth name carries so much weight. From ages 10-18 anything that came after my name was something negative, sad or hurtful. It was yelled and screamed at me during some of the most traumatic physical and sexual abuse of my life. I felt so disconnected from it and anytime I hear it called I feel afraid that I did something wrong or that something bad is about to happen. Genuine fight or flight. It was agony.

One night while drinking with some friends, we were watching a show. I won’t say which because it’ll be a dead giveaway to what I am called. I thought the main character had a cool, androgynous, and unique name. I joked that that was gonna be my new name. My friends at the time actually liked it and told me it suited me better than my birth name so I went along with it. I don’t really like to associate my gender identity with labels so I liked the neutrality of it too. It’s cringe but gives me a silly little story to tell and a more positive association.

I’m so tired of constantly fighting with people over it that I’m considering just going by my birth name again so I can stop feeling sad about disappointment on my family’s end and embarrassed about the looks I get from people when I have to correct them or a professor. I’m really depressed and scared at the thought of it, but maybe I need to stop burying my trauma and get used to it. But NOW I have a group of new friends and peers, and a long term boyfriend who are used to calling me the new name. This has been the most exhausting fight and I’m ready to just throw up the white flag, ya know? But then that’ll confirm in peoples minds it was “just a phase.” It’s not. But I’m just tired. I don’t think I’ll be happy either way.