u/mneusa

I have come across so many posts in this community where autistic women refer to themselves as ugly, and it made me realise that I feel the same way about myself, and always have.

For me, it started towards the end of primary school and became a lot worse in highschool. I was chubby, didn't wear makeup, didn't know how to style my hair very well, and didn't really know what to wear. I didn't fit in and quickly became a target of the pretty and popular girls (cliched, I know).

I had girls and boys in school treating me as though I were diseased and gross. I think that has been one of the most long-term damaging experiences that came from highschool. During PE I used to face the wall and get changed as quickly as I could, and even then I heard girls laughing and whispering about me. ''Ew, she's looking at you while you're getting changed!'' while I was facing into the corner not looking at anyone. I started taking notes into school every week to excuse me from the class altogether.

I just felt so out of place and defective, and at almost thirty years old I still feel the same way. It's so difficult with my partner, because he is so genuine in his adoration, always complimenting me, even the little details, but all I see is my own ugliness. I feel like other women perceive me as diseased and gross, and that they don't feel comfortable or safe around me. Then there's the feeling that they ''know''. I was only diagnosed with autism last year, so I know now that the thing I was trying to conceal was my own autism, but even now I still have that anxiety despite that I'm no longer being bullied.

I know that these negative things aren't true, but because of the bullying I went through in highschool all those years ago, the damage is so deep and it is so hard to try to shift that perspective. The only person I don't feel it with is my partner, but I feel it all the time around other women.

I just wanted to share my story because this community has made me feel so seen in many ways, and after so many years of carrying this, I felt like maybe I should try to put it down somewhere and find comfort in solidarity.

I have a friend who doesn't really seem to engage with the things I talk about. They will usually just say: OMG that's interesting! or some variation, but the actual content isn't engaged with. I find a lot of conversations feel flat or else difficult because of this, but I don't know what to do about it. It isn't that we don't have common interests either; this still happens regardless of whether it's a shared interest or not. I have often over the years of friendship we've shared felt almost like these conversations are a bit one-sided, and that can feel a little lonely or else frustrating.

Probably a more recent book - I found it at a local library some years ago. It was short, no more than two-hundred pages.

It was about a wild girl who lived in the forest, and she may have been able to commune with forest spirits. She was curious about a prince, perhaps, and they fell in love, but he used her, I think, and betrayed her, and she returned to the forest. There weren't many characters and the story was quite introspective. It was written by a female author.

Any help would be greatly appreciated - thank you!