u/mold_maxxing

I know I want to transition. I know I want to see that girl in the mirror, I know I want friends to see her too. But strangers? Especially when it comes to employment? Unless I'm going to a queer friendly event I don't think I could ever girlmode when I'm out and about on my own. For safety and anxiety reasons.

Is it feasible to boymode long term and only girlmode when I'm sure it's safe to do so? There'll come a day where I'm years on HRT, I'll have long hair and a female face but a dudes voice. And I might even have to wear a binder to hide boob growth.

Will there come a point where I physically cannot boymode anymore? I feel like there will come a certain point where if I try to lie to people and say I'm a cis guy, they'll clock me or at the very least be extremely confused by what they're looking at. I'd hope to avoid that.

I've recently come to realise I'm trans MTF and I'd like to start HRT within the next 12 months, so NHS isn't really an option. I'm 21, by the way.

How can I get on HRT relatively affordably in a way that's financially sustainable long term? I have a LOT more disposable income right now than I will in 2 years time. There's a lot of different private clinics and also DIY is a consideration as well, but safety is a big concern for me. I want to make sure I'm getting the right doses/levels for every stage of my journey, and also that there's no health complications too.

I know that gendergp is cheapest but I've heard it's quite controversial and after looking into it I get the impression I'd be left in the dark regarding dosages, blood tests etc. And I'd have no advice on whether I'd benefit from t blockers and which one to go with.

I think it's important context that I have VERY little experience with navigating healthcare in general. I don't even know the name of my GP or how that whole thing even works. I've only seen him once and I've not received any actual medical care since I was like 10 years old. I don't even know how to make a GP appointment or what you're allowed to make an appointment for. So yeah, important context if the topic of shared care or NHS blood tests come up. I have no idea how my doctor would even take that.

Can anyone more experienced and knowledgeable than me give some insight? I know pretty much all there is to know about the changes from HRT but what should I know about the health/medical side of it? And what would be the most suitable path for me? Thanks :)

Anyone here from the UK? I'm strongly considering going private for HRT so I can actually start within the next 8 months, and I could use some advice from someone with a lil more experience.

Which private clinic is best/most trustworthy? How much money should I have saved up and what would ongoing costs be approximately? Let's assume here that my GP wouldn't agree to shared care so I'd be fully private in that regard.

I'd really appreciate any insight any of you UK ppl might have :)

I've recently been questioning whether or not I'm trans. I hate seeing facial hair on me and REFUSE to be seen with it, and I hate the permanent faint shadow I have there. I hate being treated like a man, I hate being held to the expectations of a man. I hate being CALLED a man, I much prefer 'guy' because it's less masculine sounding.

I really do not like any masculine aspects on me whatsoever, when I think I look more masculine I think I look hideous. When I think I look more feminine, I feel way more confident and happy with myself. But I don't hate my 'bottom part', I'm indifferent to it. And I way prefer long hair (I cried when I had to cut it off) but I can look in the mirror when I have shorter hair and be confident, as long as it's a 'pretty' style and my features are feminine. I've never consciously hated my deep voice either, only my accent which is a different thing.

but idk, I just feel like I don't check the boxes for gender dysphoria? If I imagine growing older as a guy and getting more and more masculine, that makes me feel uneasy. But if I had to spend the rest of my life as a guy I would probably get along just fine as a softer one. Transitioning wouldn't be a case of life or death for me and I feel like it should be if I were trans. And when I imagine changing my name and using she/her pronouns I'm not sure how I feel. Having my friends suddenly call me she/her and another name would feel like I'm playing a character.

Would rlly appreciate some perspective on this and any advice ppl might have.

(I'm a closeted questioning mtf, 21, uk)

Coming here because I don't know where else to go. I've been seriously confused and terrified over the past week, because I stopped suppressing certain thoughts I've had for years. I started to truly ask myself WHY I despise my masculinity and why I yearn to appear, behave and carry myself more like a woman would.

I thought for the longest time I just had body dysmorphia, especially surrounding hair, facial hair, and how 'pretty' my features were or weren't. Maybe it is just that, I dunno. But that discomfort also extends to the fact I want to be more sweet, I want to be more bubbly and more feminine in behaviour, but I feel like I need to suppress all that. It's made me feel like a husk of a person.

I'm seriously starting to think that this 'dysmorphia' is actually just the tip of a gender dysphoria iceberg. When I look in the mirror, the closer I look to a woman the happier I am with myself. But the closer I get the more terrified I am to go outside and be perceived by others. I used to have long hair a couple years ago and I loved it. I loved how feminine it made me look. But I ended up cutting it short because going out like that just gave me far too much anxiety to the point I couldn't live at all. I still carry some of that same anxiety to this day despite having shorter hair.

When faced with the classic 'button' hypothetical, I'd press that button to have always been a cis woman, without much hesitation. But when I consider where I am in my life right now, 21, neurodivergent, social anxiety, finds it hard to make friends and have never been in a relationship - the idea of adding another huge struggle to that list absolutely terrifies me. Especially since being trans would likely make my existing struggles much much worse. And if I realise I'm wrong halfway through, the humiliation would mess me up big time.

I don't want this to lean too far into vent/doomposting territory. All this is to say, I'm scared, confused, and I feel so alone in this right now. I have no transfem friends that can offer me comfort and community, and help me explore this with support. All the trans discord servers I can find are full of minors and any adult only ones are either nsfw or inactive/dead.

If anyone here can help at all in any way, I'd be so so SO grateful. Am I trans? Where do I even go from here if I am? How do I deal with that?