u/momijimai

How do I improve mentally without losing my sense of self? I want to get better. I don't want to suffer. But at the same time, I'm afraid. I feel like if I get better, then I won't be myself anymore. The bad parts of my mental health feel so intrinsically linked to who I am that it doesn't feel like it would be *me* if I removed them. It feels like they're a crucial part of my identity.

I don't want to be a different person. I don't want to change myself fundamentally just to be better. It doesn't feel worth it. I don't want to lose myself. It feels like I'll lose myself. And it feels like if I try to replace my bad habits with good habits, I'll be removing a part of me and replacing it with foreign. I don't want to be someone else. It wouldn't be me. I don't want to lose myself. How am I supposed to still be myself if so much of myself is gone? I don't know who I am without them. It doesn't feel like me without them.

I want to be better. I want to be better.
I wan't to get better, but whenever my therapist tells me about changing my mindset or something like that, it feels so wrong. Of course I want to get better. But it feels like trying to intrinsically change who I am. I want to have a better mindset, but I want to have *my* mind! I don't want to have someone else's mind!! It's not natural. It's not natural. It's not natural. It's trying to change me. You're trying to change the way I think! I know it's supposed to be good for me, but it—it feels like mind control! I don't want to be someone else! I don't want to be mind controlled!! It's not natural! You want me to change the way I think!? I'm supposed to change the way I think!?

Or when they tell me to do positive affirmations... Why would I tell myself that if I don't think it?? It doesn't make sense! It doesn't make sense! If you tell yourself something over and over, then eventually your brain will believe it? THAT'S PRACTICALLY MIND CONTROL! That's forcing me to have those thoughts! It's not natural! It's not natural!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET BETTER????? i don't qant to be sad all the time. i don't want to be in a constant state of flight or fight because i'm so stressed out!!! i don't want to be bad!!!!! I WANNA BE BETTER I WANNA BE BETTER I WANNA BE BETTER

i want to be *better*!!! so how am i supposed to DO that when i CANT even RISK IT!!! you want me to CHANGE WHO I AM?????? of COURSE i want to be a BETTER PERSON. OF COURSE i want to be a HAPPIER PERSON. WHY WOULDN'T I? OF COURSE I DO. NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN PAIN. unless you're a masochist. BUT I'M NOT. how am i supposed to DO THIS???? i dont WANT TO I DONT WANT TO I DONT QANNYNSHZUGEKWKSi dont want toi dont aannt irgsmsieeIskms
FUN FUN FUN FUN!!!!!! LIFE is so SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS, EVERYBODY!!!! I LOVE THISS!!!!!!! how am i supPOSED TO DOO THISS HAHHAHSJJWHEHSJSJHS someone help me PLEASEEEEEE...iirhsaluhsssgosish8swosIek

it doesnt feel worth itthdusksh it doesnt feel worth it. why am i expected to change me? i dont want to. it's not fair. it's not fair.

i don't want you to tell me to just do it. that obviously won't help me at all. that won't change a thjng it wont help me at all. please dont tell me to just do it. i want actual advice on how to magically fix this and make everything sunshine and rainbow.s i wany it to work.

i don't wanna lose myself.

i don't want to be forced into a mold.

i cant

i cant

i cant

help

please

As we all know, when you have a Sprout in your round, you're generally supposed to leave the tapes for him. We're all guilty of sneaking some, but when is it acceptable to take tapes without other people getting mad at you? I ask this because I often use Bassie in main runs, and I usually take more tapes as her, because with them she's able to better support others by buying from Dandy's shop. But do other people think this way too? I always feel a little bad taking them, but when I'm Bassie it feels justified. Would you be mad if you saw Bassie taking tapes? Especially if you were playing Sprout. I want to know if this is acceptable to do.

(Sorry if I got the flair wrong, I don't really understand what the different flairs would be used for and I almost used question but I put discussion to be safe)

WARNING: ramblings of an anxiety-riddled teen girl

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. I've had a (lesbian) crush on this girl since 5th grade—I'm in highschool now. It's never been one of those all-consuming crushes, but it's a long lasting crush. The thing is, we're not even friends. And we're such different people that there's no plausible way for me to even try to initiate contact with her without it being weird or awkward. The social circles and friend groups have already been established, and her type of people just don't interact with me. Also, I have crippling anxiety that makes me unable to accurately understand how much people actually like me, so I think they all hate me, which doesn't help. In fact, I almost always think EVERYONE hates me. I have like no friends (in my perception at least—there are other people that consider me to be their friend even though the substance of our interactions is much more that of acquaintances) and am perceived as pretty weird. I'm nowhere near anything desirable—except to my one male friend, but he's also a loser. and autistic. nothing wrong with that though. i've been called autistic. and probably am. it was an insult but thats besides the point ANYWAY!! I'm nowhere near anything desirable to anyone normal or cool. I can't be speaking on coolness or popularity though because I found out that my perception of the school social hierarchy is completely wrong (probably because of my anxiety. scratch that. not probably. it is) and many of the girls I thought were these super popular mean girls turns out they weren't popular at all, just average. and yeah they were kinda mean but they just had attitudes. So it turns out, in reality, I know nothing. Also, talking about desirability, I have absolutely NO idea how physically attractive I am at all. People don't really compliment me but people don't call me ugly or insult my appearance either (other than my outfits sometimes, but its by mean boys who get off on other peoples pain because that have big egos that are probably just small and in need of validation inside) and, yes, my mother calls me gorgeous, but you can't expect me to believe that. It's obviously biased. And I don't think I'm ugly or anything. I'm not really insecure at all—except for like, my nails because I can't stop biting them (probably because of my anxiety again) and my teeth that are yellow no matter how well I brush them. Anyway, the point is I'm not insecure about my weight or my facial features or my height or anything like that. I think I'm just average. But even if I'm not unattractive or anything, it doesn't mean anything when people don't like how I act. I try my best to be a good person and be nice to people and stuff, but I always end up setting someone the wrong way for whatever reason. But anyway, she's this super cool (at least in my eyes) sporty girl that's so talented nice and she has this cute awkward smile and even though she's quiet, it's not off-putting or anything it's just a part of her. But a girl like her has no reason to ever look my way. Also she's probably straight. And I don't want to just let my feelings go unspoken or anything but it also feels useless and impossible to try anything. I know she doesn't dislike me or anything, which is more than can be said (from my perspective) about a lot of people (which is a big step, or, well, a big thing for me since i often think people that actually really love me don't like me at all) but it seems impossible. I've literally spoken to her twice in the last 2 years (both were in the last year) and once was by email. Yeah. I was a weird creep and EMAILED her. Her school email. I mean, she responded positively and never brought it up, but that's still weird. And before that I only awkwardly spoke to her for a science project after years of not talking to her at all. I heard her tell her friend that me and her were friends in elementary school but I don't even remember that?? In my msmory we were never friends, just classmates. Also even if I had the guts or an excuse to talk to her and her friends, her friends are super intimidating to me. So I guess I don't know what to do. I don't want to let more years pass by (not like I could do anything until school starts up again anyway) but if I shot my shot I would surely miss and lose any chance I had. Sorry for this stupidly long...thing. I know I don't need to apologize. I know I apologize way too much. But I feel the need to because it's...atrocious. Anyway, comments and suggestions would be appreciated??

i know this sounds crazy but the thing thats been helping my insomnia lately is that i started doing comprehensible input learning for japanese and i think since it's just so low stimulating (the videos i'm watching specifically) and my brain is doing all the work in the background it keeps my thoughts from racing and lets me retain my focus but in a way that isn't mentally exhausting and so i keep getting sleepy every time i do it because i'm constantly in flight or fight mode and it makes me decompress for once

disclaimer: i am not medically diagnosed with insomnia. in this post, i'm using it to refer to the condition (not medical condition) in which i have had a severely difficult time going to sleep or staying asleep