u/morrissigh

My OCD makes me think I’m a terrible person, so when I’m in a spiral, I feel as if I can’t enjoy the things I usually do—browsing Reddit, watching my favorite things, listening to music etc. I’ll just sit and ruminate and restrict myself from doing anything that gives me joy until I can figure out if I truly have anything to be worried about. My reasoning is if I’m a bad person, then I don’t deserve the joys of life that other people do; I think “bad people don’t deserve to relax and enjoy things. They are defined by the bad things they’ve done”

I’m so scared right now and am crying in bathroom. I was out in public today and think I assaulted 2 children. I can’t figure it out and want to so bad. I’m most scared about what social consequences would be in this situation —becoming a pariah, nobody loving me anymore, fired, be jailed, labeled a predator: I’m so scared and don’t know what to do. I am on clomipramine 100 mg for about 2-3 weeks now and it’s not doing much of anything. I’m terrified

Basically title. I’ve never been at the point where I like these thoughts this much and like they feel like something I want to happen. I know the fact that i am distressed that I am thinking this way indicates OCD, but I am disturbed because I am enjoying the contents of the thoughts.

Has anyone been in this situation? Are there such things as “intrusive feelings” that feel like they are your actual feelings?

This is my most horrifying theme. The images of me groping others along with feelings that feel like urges to do so feel soooooo real. When I walk past other people, I have to replay in my mind where my hands were at a certain moment. Then I fear legal consequences and ostracization and that my parents wouldn’t love me anymore if this were true. What can I do to move past these thoughts? Any tips outside of therapy and meds? I do both and they are helpful, but what else are good tools?

I am not in immediate danger and have no intentions but am struggling with ideation right now and have for some time. Every time I meet with my psych and he asks if I’m suicidal, I have lied and said no. What I’m afraid of is him recommending I go to the hospital or something very drastic. What happens usually?

My therapist suggested this because she thinks I have non-treatable OCD. I see my psych this week and hopefully he will then refer me to a program. It gives me some hope but what are your experiences?

Everyday is basically hell with my OCD, been on so many meds, did partial hospitalization which felt good at the time but now I feel back to square one. Am on risperidone, fluvoxamine, lamictal. Have been on lexapro in the past with wellbutrin in combination. My psych will basically increase the doses of risperidone and lamictal (I think this one is at full dose now) every time I meet with him and the directions are “see how this works and report back next time we meet”. I’m at the highest dose of Luvox and we tried propranolol for breakthrough anxiety and this did nothing.

I have tried consistent meditation, thought noting, thought records, OCD scripts but they are not effective. I’ve tried sitting with the discomfort but this is not working. I cannot complete my therapy homework like trying to get out of the house for exposure therapy because i am terrified of my intrusive thoughts and my triggers.

This makes me feel suicidal and hopeless, and I have thoughts of self harm sometimes so I can release some anxiety if that makes sense. I have no hope for my future and have developed mild to moderate agoraphobia because my intrusive thoughts make it so hard to be around other people who aren’t my family because my themes are harm and assault OCD. Also legal OCD, like being arrested for harming others, and hit and run OCD. My therapist suggested I have treatment resistant OCD but I’m afraid what my psych will say this week when I bring this up along with questions about ketamine. He doesn’t seem very knowledgeable about OCD, and neither do his attendings (he’s a resident). I can’t take this anymore, and I’m afraid for my future.

Also I see ketamine is not covered by insurance— how much is each session typically? Would you recommend reaching out to ketamine clinics regardless of what my psych says? I assume they would do a psychological assessment before starting sessions to see if it is a good fit. Thanks for reading all this.