u/mosquitojelly

I want to go to art school for the connections, and to be able to live in canada with a study visa. I dont have the intention of getting a BFA, more so having an atmosphere of artists and supplies to create a strong portfolio and gain experience. I have a good amount of money saved, but not enough to cover four years.

I think the idea of ECU and art schools in general is so appealing, and I want to get my footing in the art world of Canada(as a US citizen trying to escape). This seems like a good way to be in a community of artists.

I'm wondering if this plan is worth the cost and risk that comes with it. Is the first year all introductory? I have a good amount of experience and a fairly high skill level, and I have already submitted my portfolio

(Sculpture/visual arts focused, if that makes a difference)

I've realized in the last few years that my mom is a narcissist. She is also an incredibly tragic person and someone I pity, though I try not to let that seep into my decisions in setting boundaries. I just blocked her(for like the 5th time), and feel a need to justify myself to her. I've expressed the damage she caused, my feelings on it, and everything I feel there is to say, and it doesn't get through to her. Every time it's "but I was a good mom. You were so happy. Ask anyone.", there's no way for me to make her understand that happy sometimes doesn't negate trauma she caused. It's also hard to justify to myself because so many of my memories are missing.

I know it's not my job to make her understand, and that that is an impossible task, but I can't kill this part of me that hopes maybe someday I can have a healthy, balanced relationship with her. I want a mother. But I know that she isn't capable of considering my happiness. I know that this guilt comes from her. How do I make myself believe what I know?

(it's also especially complicated because she lost a big portion of her brain due to cancer. She can't hold a thought, and a part of me wants to take care of her even though this injury makes the manipulation and cruelty more apparent than ever.)

18M.

this might be unreadable, but i need to get it off my chest and this seems like the place. I haven't built the courage to talk to my therapist about it.

last year, I got drunk with two friends, and ended up blacking out. I felt terrible in the morning, probably the most I ever have and ever will drink, and I felt guilty for a few days after(not new, I feel guilty constantly due to childhood trauma, but this felt more real). I texted my friends in the morning, and only one replied with a dry response, which I assumed was just a hangover but just had a bad feeling.

a few days later, one of them texted me and told me I had made inappropriate advances towards him while drunk. He was clear that he didn't hold it against me, but that he needed space and time away from me(understandable, of course).

I panicked. ringing in my ears, hyperventalating, full panic attack. I was a little stoned as well so I couldn't process it fully. I care about him so deeply, and I didn't feel attraction towards him, and he was one of the only people I had felt comfortable enough to open up to about my own experience with CSA. He had similar experiences, and was going through a lot in that time. I never ever wanted to be the reason he felt unsafe or uncomfortable, and i betrayed his trust.

I replied saying of course, im so so sorry, i never want to make you uncomfortable, etc., take all the time you need. Then i replyed again because I didn't like how that sounded, over corrected, reiterated and thought about every word over and over. I think if it had been in person, or if I had given myself more time, i would have had a better response, but it was like 1am when he texted and when I was okay with the reply it was around 3am.

I just couldn't stop thinking about it after, and I messaged the other friend asking them if i had made them ucomfortable. they said no, nothing has changed between us, but friend 1 needs space. Okay, of course

I already had a lot of self hatred(working on it still), and started seriously considering suicide. I thought I would be better off dead than hurt people like this. didn't follow through obviously, but did start SHing again for a while.

the next time i saw friend 1 he acted fine, though i was awkward because I felt incredibly guilty. He was happy though. I haven't talked to him since, that was months ago. I can't bring myself to reach out and I'm distancing because I feel like no good can come from me being around him or other frends. I really just find myself repulsive, and this confirmed that feeling for me.

This sounds a bit dramatic written out, but I should have known better, and since I dont remember what happened, I assume the worst

ok thanks if anyone read that. I find myself disgusting and think about this a lot. Maybe i have OCD, idk. I don't drink anymore, wont drink hard alcohol like that for a long time if ever again.

edit: thanks people who commented, I clealy have a lot of issues i need to work out that go past this incident. It's probably affecting me more than him and I gotta move on, but it is good to hear that im not a monster