u/moxipoxy

I have never been a healthy person. As a kid, I had such severe asthma that my parents were told I wouldn't live past the age of 13. I spent weekends inside on a nebulizer instead of playing with friends. I got breast cancer at the age of 28 (in remission now). I have a suite of mental health disorders that have resulted in two short term hospitalizations, 2 php programs, and 1 residential program. I've had covid 10 times. Throughout all of this, I've had unexplained pain, gi problems, migraines, etc, which now leads me to believe I have a hypermobility disorder, POTS, and MCAS (appointments with rheum, cardio, and an allergist soon).

Once I get through scheduling all my referrals, I will have 14 medical professionals that I see. This of course takes time. In addition to the actual time taken from me by these illnesses, there is so much time spent on scheduling, prescriptions, insurance, etc.

Im preparing for my candidacy exam for my PhD and the stress has caused a huge flare up. Im supposed to be spending this time preparing but I instead have to spend a lot of it in bed. Im just laying here thinking about how much time I have lost to these illnesses. In just the past 4 years of my phd program, I've had to take 2 major medical leaves. My advisor told me that it makes sense that I won't be able to do as much in my phd as someone who didnt take these leaves. This hit me hard. I'm having to come to terms with the effect this has had on my life, when I've always just pushed through and ignored it, at the expense of my health.

I can't help but think of what I could have accomplished in another healthy life. I am grieving what I thought my life would be. All the times I've had to miss out on time spent with loved ones, hobbies, working, experiencing.

I was supposed to have a date night with my partner tonight. Instead, I will have to lay on the couch while he spends his night taking care of me.

I just want my time back.