r/cptsdcreatives

I finished IOP in April. One of the activities was we had to draw our anxiety or something like that. This isn’t that drawing but this came from that drawing. Thought I would share here.

I can’t draw or paint well, but I have a knack for using stickers.

I was trying to process something traumatic and wild I went through last weekend.

I do feel a little lighter :)

It’s coming like a train
A true monolith
In a 5 foot body
In his 5 foot body

Nothing can stop it
But we can watch it pass
As we’ve watched so many times before

It will not stop
It will not be slowed
Not on the smallest scale

And this time
This time
It’s coming right at us
And this time
This time
We’ve been tied to the fucking rails

Your roots are showing
And you’re choking me
Did I really believe 
Did I really believe
That you were bothered
By right? By fair?
By whatever I need?

And you can hide from everyone else
You can blend and wear your masks
But we can blend too
And we know who you fucking are

It doesn’t matter anymore
You’re here to take my laughter 
It doesn’t matter anymore
You’re here to take my life away

It doesn’t matter anymore
You’ll leave my body walking round
But noone is home
No noone is home

I fell apart in a thousand ways
My stitching ripped to shreds
The clover patch you pulled me from
A distant memory to us all
A memory to us all 

Your roots are showing
And you are choking me
Did I really believe 
Did I really believe
That you were bothered
By right? By fair?
By whatever I need?

And in those moments
On the mattress
My threads were cut
And yet,
None of them really were
If only they truly were

To defend oneself is natural. Frozen no longer.

Cotton thread on cotton fabric embroidery.

I'm not really sure if the trigger warning counts for the last one? So I'm just erring on the side of caution here.

1. simple drawing, mostly about how someone I thought was my friend has left me feeling. Also to do with a bad experience working for the company referenced, and people's dismissive attitude toward me not wanting to go to their pubs just because the drinks are cheap and convenient.

2. I've been experiencing increasingly bad derealisation episodes lately. One experience I've noticed now, is that I've been losing complete feeling/control in my hands, and feeling like they are not attached to my body. Like they don't belong to me anymore. I feel like I am losing my ability to create.

3. digital piece. Based off the idea of kintsugi, except that the gold glue isn't holding. I've been trying since I was 16 to get help, and it started off with my dad laughing at me. Getting help has continued to be awfully impossible since then and I feel like any attempts at holding myself together get torn apart by ending up in yet more abuse situations.

I want to stare in to your soul, with my longing eyes, aching, begging, to be whole again; a warm embrace and a gentle kiss, I want the past to not exist, not like it went with how much I missed, I want the pain to dull someday, and find that life is full of love and peace

i had a whole vent but fuck it we ball

Late night. No plan.