u/murphys_ghost

In the middle of recording so half of what you see around it are mic cables coming from amps. Running stereo into a Randall Century and an Engl Thunder where I get all my dirt from. With this particular project I don’t use clean tones, and since we’re just recording right now I use the switches on the amps on separate tracks if I DO need clean so I’m not using footswitches. The JHS and MIJ tubescreamer are boosts for tone sculpting and solos respectively.

I am dirt poor and whipped this board up out of mostly really old pedals I’ve had forever. The Haunting Mids, bullshit reverb, and Waza chorus are the only things less than a decade old. Running a Jackson 7 string into it that I painted with oil paints while I was tripping my balls off in a bubble bath that I made by running hot only water in my tub and cutting a bottle of conditioner in half with a combat knife and throwing it under the faucet as a deranged version of a bathbomb. The next day I was still in the tub and got out and got barbecue but I had to wear sunglasses inside because my eyes were all pupil. They still knew.

Anyway roast my nuts off.

I’m sitting outside of my psychiatrist’s office trying to figure out what to say that won’t get me committed. I’m thousands of dollars in debt, I haven’t slept at my slumlord apartment in months because of bedbugs and having to throw out all my furniture, they’re charging me for every bedbug treatment in the building, I can’t even get a passport I’m so far in debt. Taxes this year killed us - several grand owed with two dependents. My stepdaughter is losing her scholarship due to failing a math class. My other stepdaughter just got out of the psych ward. The city just tried to fine me for working on my car in my dad’s driveway (I had to get it towed elsewhere to finish the job, which I just don’t have the will or energy to do right now). My therapist is stumped and has no answer to my real life problems. Every time I open a piece of mail, I owe more money to an institution. I’ve been to the ER three times this year and discovered I have dangerously high blood pressure and a heart defect at 34. My son’s mom is uncooperative and ditched town to work across the country. Custody has been a shitshow. My wife and I are living with family and barely get to see each other with conflicting work schedules. I have so many inner circle problems that I legit don’t even care about the political climate of the US which I used to be very passionate about. I’m slipping into the kind of depression that is dangerous even on enough meds that I was totally stable for years. I started drinking again after the truck I’m still paying off blew its engine after three months of owning it. All my money has gone to car parts and bills. I eat a meal a day. My older family can’t find jobs and everything bad keeps happening to us day after day.

I work in a hotel tower and have the keys to the roof. Every single day I consider that 30 floor drop and facing oblivion. I’m not religious and I consider a cessation of existence and perception better than this.

Do I need help? Yeah, but it’s not working. Inpatient would just make me lose my job and I’d lose the ability to support my family. A hard day at work where I don’t have time to think about my problems is the best part of my day. I literally look forward to work and I hate my days off where I have to confront all the terrible things that are happening all the time. My family has lost ten pets I was close to in the past two years, and I am very much so an animal person. The last one died in my arms. My great aunt died on my dad’s birthday. My blood pressure recently spiked at 172/100 *on my meds* after a rough day.

All I can do is drink to numb myself. I get tested for work and it’s the only thing keeping me alive at this point. I don’t even doom scroll anymore because I just lay there on my uncle’s couch where I’ve lived for two months. The cashier at the gas station just paid for my last drink. I’m completely checked out.

My apartment stole my lease out of the folder it was in so I don’t even have a good precedent to sue them for extortion. I’m at wit’s end.

I have too many people who rely on me to kill myself, so I don’t, but my life is just a utility to keep
other people from doing the same as I want to. I look forward to death with no religious beliefs.

Roast me so hard my wife feels cucked.