u/mycherrymind

I started having suicidal thoughts when I was only 13 years old. Now, at 19, nothing has really changed.

​I am slowly losing my faith in Christianity because of my family, and especially because of my aunt. They make me feel completely suffocated. They have incredibly high expectations, yet they are the most judgmental people I know.

They want to control everything, "Don't cut your hair, don't wear makeup, don't listen to that music, don't do this, don't do that, do this, do that." Whenever I struggle, they tell me, "Depression just means you don't have enough of Jesus in your life." Or that I just need to pray more

​My aunt’s gaze is the worst. Whenever I try to attempt suicide, the image that flashes in my mind is the judgmental look in her eyes.

​That is why I don't like Christianity anymore. I am hurt and confused by God, I hate Him, but I love Him, too. I believe He understands what I mean by that. It is just so hard to love Him when the people who claim to represent Him act like demons.

Now, I don't care if my aunt tells me it’s wrong to wear makeup, I will still do it. It comforts me more than they ever did.

​Before, whenever I used to say that I needed a doctor’s assessment, they would dismiss me or hurt me. One time, my dad slapped me hard across the face when he accidentally saw what's on my wrists, because apparently, it was "wrong" to do that to myself.

The whole family scolded me for doing it. There was absolutely no comfort or empathy, even when they found out I had bought a cord to unalive myself with. I used to be very verbal about how I felt, but throughout years of this reaction, I learned to just shut up.

​Over these past few years, I started hiding the cuts. But somehow it made me feel fake. Maybe because of how my family screamed at me for being dramatic.

Now, every time I make a suicide attempt, I get confused. I start feeling like I am just being dramatic or seeking attention, even though I know for a fact that I don't let anyone see my mental health issues.

​Whenever I cry, I feel like a completely different person. I feel so detached. But lately, that fakery feeling worsen. I feel fake even when I am laughing. Even during a simple task like studying, I feel like I am pretending. It feels as though I have no real identity, and like I am just trying to seek attention, even when I am completely alone.

I started having suicidal thoughts when I was only 13 years old. Now, at 19, nothing has really changed.

​I am slowly losing my faith in Christianity because of my family, and especially because of my aunt. They make me feel completely suffocated. They have incredibly high expectations, yet they are the most judgmental people I know.

They want to control everything, "Don't cut your hair, don't wear makeup, don't listen to that music, don't do this, don't do that, do this, do that." Whenever I struggle, they tell me, "Depression just means you don't have enough of Jesus in your life." Or that I just need to pray more

​My aunt’s gaze is the worst. Whenever I try to attempt suicide, the image that flashes in my mind is the judgmental look in her eyes.

​That is why I don't like Christianity anymore. I am hurt and confused by God, I hate Him, but I love Him, too. I believe He understands what I mean by that. It is just so hard to love Him when the people who claim to represent Him act like demons.

Now, I don't care if my aunt tells me it’s wrong to wear makeup, I will still do it. It comforts me more than they ever did.

​Before, whenever I used to say that I needed a doctor’s assessment, they would dismiss me or hurt me. One time, my dad slapped me hard across the face when he accidentally saw what's on my wrists, because apparently, it was "wrong" to do that to myself.

The whole family scolded me for doing it. There was absolutely no comfort or empathy, even when they found out I had bought a cord to unalive myself with. I used to be very verbal about how I felt, but throughout years of this reaction, I learned to just shut up.

​Over these past few years, I started hiding the cuts. But somehow it made me feel fake. Maybe because of how my family screamed at me for being dramatic.

Now, every time I make a suicide attempt, I get confused. I start feeling like I am just being dramatic or seeking attention, even though I know for a fact that I don't let anyone see my mental health issues.

​Whenever I cry, I feel like a completely different person. I feel so detached. But lately, that fakery feeling worsen. I feel fake even when I am laughing. Even during a simple task like studying, I feel like I am pretending. It feels as though I have no real identity, and like I am just trying to seek attention, even when I am completely alone.