u/mychudlife

semi-vent (long-ish) post, would love any advice that applies.

i’m tired of repeating the same talking points with my boyfriend over the same underlying issue. my newfound trust wounds make navigating all of this so hard.

i’ve found it best to be off social media for the most part, since that is where they’ve stemmed from. i don’t get to properly heal from this either as i somehow always end up finding something to trigger me. a like, a follow, a repost, et cetera. even after constant, clear, and healthy communication.

no amount of youtube videos, journaling or talking to him is helping now, although i have gotten less anxious which makes these hard feelings a bit easier to digest.

whenever i try to talk to him, it helps in the moment, but those feelings of betrayal / resentment keep popping up. i’m not normally an angry person. i wouldn’t call this holding a grudge even, because i’ve tried my best to forgive and try to move on—he just messes up often and i end up having to start from square one. it’s so disorienting.

i don’t feel like i know myself at all anymore—i’ve stopped being overly-giving, being emotionally available all the time, and just feel like i’m just performing feeling okay at this point.

i have also stopped caring too much about my hygiene, brushing my hair, or investing time into my hobbies / actual tasks with deadlines.

it has led me to compare myself to all the women i see online, especially ones i now categorize as “his type”. on our most recent date, i was in a rut the whole time but only got out of bed and showered because i was going to meet him. it felt like i was abandoning myself just to perform. during it, i was highly on edge. him taking his phone to the restroom made me catastrophize more.

i haven’t been this way, ever.

i’ve did my part extensively, addressed everything a billion times, and what i want. it has now been 3 months since something that changed the course of our relationship.

i will say, however, that where i went wrong was the constant mothering, not letting him feel and sit with the pain of the betrayal i was exposed to, because i do still love him and hope to fix things.

for context, space hasn’t ever helped us long-term since it doesn’t address the core hurt—it’s just become a way for me to either ignore my feelings, or sit with them completely alone. i give in to talking after a while because my body misunderstands missing him for me feeling okay to talk again.

i just want to come back to myself while still being with him. you could call me a martyr, or somebody who enjoys suffering, but i don’t wish to breakup right now. i’m just not ready for that yet, although i have considered it a bunch.

if it ever comes to that point, i want to do it on my own accord. not because i got influenced by some comments, even though i know you guys mean well. i love my sisters on here and wish to be better.

i had mentioned a breakup just last night but we both didn’t want that.

i just feel scared and hurt, all the time. i’m a naturally anxious person, so that doesn’t help either 😅

again, all of these feelings have been communicated to my bf a bunch of times. i’m just tired now, it seems pointless to talk to him about this.

tldr; boyfriend messed up on multiple occasions, dealing with the consequences of emotional betrayal and failure on his side to follow-through. how do i get myself out of a rut of resentment and anger?

was on a walk with my mother and the topic of marriage was brought up. im a 20 year old, pakistani girl from a middle class family 👧🏻 for what it’s worth. she said she won’t start urging me to marry before 26, which is fine. no complaints regarding that.

she just honed in on how she won’t let me marry outside our religious sect nor let me stay unmarried as i’ll be bringing shame to my family both ways.

she doesn’t know i have a boyfriend who’s not part of our sect (bc hello i don’t want to be ridiculed 😅, they already gave my brother enough hell for even liking somebody from the same sect, so i saw what happens first hand if you’re stupid enough to treat your parents like your friends), but i think my siblings must have snitched because she brought this up only tonight and was adamant about me coming clean. i just stood my ground by not responding lol, i didn’t want more drama.

i calmly explained to her that i’m scared of marriage entirely. i do not have good male role models and none of the women in my family were blessed with normal human beings as their husbands. she told me it was ridiculous for me to believe any of this.

it made me tear up. do i really have no autonomy while im here? is the only way through to avoid their incessant nagging just going to be me agreeing to play a part in making sure their fantasies come true?

my brother earns for our family but they won’t let him make the decision to get married because they don’t like his girlfriend. i fear me earning enough money won’t get them off my ass either.

it makes me feel hopeless — that i’m going to be leaving a box (my overbearing family) just to be stuck in another and hoping for the best (that i don’t have the same fate as the other women in my family).

if someone has been in a similar situation, may you please tell me how you dealt with it? did your parents eventually listen? i think brown parents mistakenly think that being stubborn / manipulative will make their children agree with their demands eventually. it just drives us away.

i feel so alone. idek how to journal about this lmao. life keeps kicking me down 🥲 bleh.