being hit as a child still affects me to this day and i hate it
growing up i was hit a lot. I am an adult now but as i was talking to my friends today as we sat down and met up, the conversation of having floor time came up. They said that they enjoy sitting on the kitchen floor was enjoyable because to me it was used as a punishment when me and my sister were misbehaving so my mum would make us eat dinner as a punishment, i cannot recall her exact reasoning but I think it is because she is a germaphobe and that was the best punishment she could think of, making her kids sleep on a dirty floor. When they said that was not normal it dawned to me that it was a weird punishment and that growing up I was abused
I sat down and I thought about the conversation I had earlier and that the way my parents were horrible dont get me wrong we would go on holiday, go on bikerides on the weekends but my dad beat us a lot.
One of my earliest memories of getting beat was me not being able to spell water and spelling it as "warter" i got hit by that brown belt it was tourutre. Growing up i had spelling issues and i could not spell so my dad would make me walk to the shelf which was behind the couch and i could not even reach for it becuase he would already be beating me it was painful.
Another memory I have is when my parents found out I was harming myself when i was 11-13 ( i cant remember the age) instead of helping me they attempted to convince me to show them how i did it, i had to show me the object, i didnt show them so they decided to smack me as if my mental health didnt matter. Around that time period they went threw my phone and saw the app I am sober and they saw it. My dad grabbed one of those thich dyson hairdryer chords and beat me with it, I can still see the bruise faintly to this day
When my parents found out i had some stupid relationship at 11 with a girl they smacked me again saying I didnt know what i was saying. for about 2 months every time he would see me he would question me asking me if i am a lesbian, and i only am because my friends told me, i didnt respond to anything he said becuase what can i do he would just get in my face. He would guilt me saying i would be the only gay one in the family and when i leave he would shake my hand and watch me go. every time he would drive me to school he would say i went to an all boys school and i dont like boys, well duh you grew up in a country where being gay is illegal and is super religious. To this day i am so uncomftable in my sexuality or telling people only like 5 people knew i was bisexual but whenever people would ask me if i am becuase i apparently look bisexual(???) i would say im straight awkwardly becuase i am scared what people would think of me like how my parents did
during lockdown my dad found out i was playing roblox with friends and i didnt do the school work and he pushed me against his bedroom wall and he beat me on his bed. i remeber hearing my mum in the shower and i am screaming, i remeber being thrown about and beat for not doing school work, since i always got beat for doing a lack of school work so i hated school, ive never felt so uncared for and small in my life
if i go on and on about all the instances this would be as long as an assignment, since my mum got sick and ive gotten older he has calmed down after that day my mum got really angry and threatened divorce, it took the worst trauma in my life for her to put her foot down after 8 years.
to this day all that beating and confrontation has made me really submissive i would rather just shut up and take it rather than stand up for myself. I cannot accept my true sexuality, no one knows how bad my mental health really is at the moment i have picked up nasty habits i cannot unbreak since who can i talk to ill just told im faking and my life is easy compared to others. i cannot do confortation my brain just equates it with being negative and how if i get confronted it would not be a simple conversation it would go so badly like it did in my childhood. I have the worst anxiety i might start taking medication for it, i cant put it into words how bad it can get it can take over my entire life. i struggle so much with everything in my life and have just fallen into a box of listening and submission. even when firends would be like come out what the worst that can happen, i would not becuase i am scared of my dad and when i would question his authority i would just feel smal like i cannot do anything change my situation, i just wait till he does.
I want advice i want to break out of the cycle of how i was treated in my childhood, im scared that one day the wrong man would take advantage of my habit i have to shut up and just take it, i want to take control of my life and my emotions