u/naivemelody9

I’m (34f) going to try to make this all make sense but it’s kind of a lot… sorry in advance for a long post!

My mom (67f) has always been forgetful, super late to everything, and just sort of… off for as long as I can remember, but the last 5 years or so things have been getting really bad. She’s been increasingly forgetful, spacey, and disconnected but good at covering it up or finding ways to excuse it. My family is very non-confrontational so nobody besides me has even really tried to confront an increasingly worrying situation.

About 3 years ago things kind of came to a head when she went missing for 3 days after driving to pick up a prescription. She was found by the police by the side of the road with her car totaled many miles away from home. To this day she insists she just got lost because she wasn’t familiar with the area after my parents moved to take care of my grandma and has never admitted how scary and concerning this instance was for my dad (66m), my sister (33f), and I.

After that incident I started to try to get more involved in figuring out what might be going on with her and trying to help but she has never really let us speak with her doctors or told us anything. I suspect she’s also been very good at appearing “normal” during brief doctors visits. I sent a letter to her psychiatrist a few years ago about my concerns, who I also saw at one point, because I was so worried and felt helpless and he invited us both in to talk together. She still insisted everything was fine and nothing changed. (I later found out his license was revoked for overprescribing, which is part of her issues). I drove her to a neuro appointment (which I was shocked she let me make and I think went only to shut me up), and I had a chance to tell the nurse what had happened with her disappearing and that my mom wouldn’t bring it up to the doctor while my mom was in the bathroom. As a result I was able to speak with the neuro doctor with her but he said her cognitive tests (basic paper test stuff, nothing intensive and no brain scans or anything) were normal. She never saw him again. Other than these two times I’ve never had any contact or info from her or her doctors. I sent a letter to her PCP at one point but he never reached out to me, which I understand due to HIPAA.

During all of this I became aware that she was prescribed adderall, Xanax, and OxyContin and had been taking all three for years. Like probably decades. I realized through all this that my mom has been an addict my whole life and I just didn’t realize that what I was seeing as a kid was addiction. Luckily, I think partly because of my efforts but maybe because her doctors started seeing some problematic signs, they have been weaning her off the Xanax and oxy and she is no longer on adderall. She has now started drinking heavily instead after 30+ years of no drinking.

My dad has done essentially nothing and buys her alcohol. I will give him credit for not allowing her to drive anymore, at least. Pretty much all other small progress we’ve made has been because I’ve done everything possible to help. After vastly overextending myself and worrying non stop, after multiple relatives and family friends have reached out to me seriously concerned, after finding her new doctors and desperately trying to get her to see a therapist or psychologist, I’ve now gotten to a better and healthier place and put boundaries up to take care of myself and have told them (and myself) that I am here to help and would like to help if they ever ask but that I can’t continue to keep pushing when they won’t accept it. I just try to still have a “normal” relationship with them to keep that door open if they choose to take it.

I call my mom once a week to try to help keep her sane and give her some connection because my dad moved them out into the middle of nowhere, and she’s been increasingly confused every time I talk to her. Our last call she said the Beyoncé album lemonade was released in 1984, the day after our call she had forgotten we spoke the day before, she never knows what day and time it is, and so many more concerning lapses every time we talk. I’m so worried she’s going to drink herself to death or wander off and get lost or get injured or worse when my dad isn’t paying attention.

My dad can’t or won’t confront her about this, doesn’t make any attempts to try to talk to her doctors, and basically pretends like nothing is happening. I can’t blame him at this point because he’s probably had to deal with so much over the years I never even knew about and he’s probably acclimated to all this as it’s happened so doesn’t see it as starkly as I do. However he’s incredibly sharp and physically capable still so I do wish he would do more. I guess I have some frustration that he didn’t do anything so much sooner when things have been somewhat like this my whole life and are just getting much worse now, but mostly I just want to be available to help if and when they want it.

Is there a point at which we can petition for the ability to talk to her doctors if she is not cognitively well enough to make decisions for herself? Should I just keep out of it and let them decide what they want to do because they’re grown adults it’s not my business or responsibility? Should I call or write to her new doctor to tell them my concerns like I did with past ones? Should I try to ask my dad to do more to talk to her doctors?

I can feel myself starting to get sucked back in again with things recently getting so much worse after working so hard to keep healthy boundaries for my own well being and I think I need some outside perspective on what is reasonable and responsible here. Thanks in advance.

UPDATE: I spoke with my dad a bit this morning to ask if she’s had a cognitive assessment recently. He said she did and it came back normal, but also said she doesn’t even know how to use a stove anymore. How is this possible? I don’t know how to move forward when she’s apparently already had a cognitive assessment that seemingly completely missed everything?

My birthday is coming up at the end of this month and my partner’s very sweet mom would like to take me out to dinner somewhere nice! I’m a big foodie and love trying new things and luckily her and my partner both are, as well. I used to go out a lot and be very up to date on good restaurants throughout the city, but with a tightening budget I’m a little out of the loop these days.

I’m looking for suggestions for something kind of nice for a birthday but not crazy expensive since someone else is kindly footing the bill. We’re all not at all picky and love trying interesting foods and new cuisines. We can probably do pretty much anywhere in the city, but she lives in Chestnut Hill so somewhere around there would be great but not entirely necessary. She uses a walker so also somewhere that is not crazy tight or usually packed is strongly preferred.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

I was watching the first season of Titans yesterday and I went back to keep watching today and it’s not showing as an option anymore? Does anyone know if it was taken off of Shudder for some reason, if it may be coming back, or any info about this?