u/nameless_random97

My story isn't for the faint of heart so if you struggle with that don't read. Also this is like my way of venting and expressing all my pent up feelings. I don't normally do this but I heard it's a good way of coping and letting out all my negative thoughts and emotions. With all that said, here's my story.

Childhood:

As a kid I grew up like any other kid playing with toys, watching cartoons/anime/movies, playing video games or just going outside playing sports. The only thing about this is I didn't have any friends so I was just by myself. Sometimes I played with other kids in my neighborhood but most times what seemed like fun at first turned bad in the end. It's been times I thought I was having fun with other kids just for me to end up having to fight them. Also I had to deal with being bullied by the older and bigger kids. I won't lie and say I wasn't scared and fought back and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I used to get beat around by them and sometimes it had me scared to go outside to the point I eventually stopped going outside. Moving over to my school life, it wasn't fun for me going to school and I was never happy or looked forward to going. From pre-k all the way up to 12th grade I endured verbal, physical and cyber bullying (sadly sometimes even the teachers would participate). It was barely a day I didn't have to go through all that and little did I know that it would lead to me developing bad anxiety that I still have to this day. I was treated like an outcast and it really made me turn into a loner. When the teacher gave us group assignments I hated it cause other kids would complain about me having to be in their group and it always lead to the whole class teasing me. I also hated when we had to do presentations cause it also lead to me being picked with. The sad part about my school life is I wanted and sometimes tried to fit in and be part of something but it never happened. It's been a few times when someone acted like they wanted to hang with me, and I foolishly accepted, just for me to find out they were trolling. I once trusted someone enough to the point I opened up a bit to them just for them to betray me and spread it through the school. That's where my trust issues began. I was beaten up by the school bullies a lot and it had me scared to go to school. Everyday I would worry if they were gonna come for me that day and it lead me to developing paranoia. It was so bad for me that sometimes I would skip school just to give myself a break from it all. Moving on to my family, I love and care for them but it wasn't easy growing up around them. My dad wasn't really in my life and when he was he kept lying and manipulating me and my siblings into thinking it's our mom's fault. We also witnessed our parents arguing and fighting each other while we were at young ages. My whole family had a part in how and why I turned out the way I am. They are judgemental and it prevents me from talking to them about how I feel and I started bottling my feelings up and don't know how to express when I need help mentally or emotionally. They talk about each other behind each other's back so I can't trust them. I had family members who talked bad about me and it hit way harder for me since I was also dealing with that in school so even with family there was no escaping it. Also there are members in the family who think they are better and look down on the rest of us. My mom was also a factor in my decreasing mentality as she favored my older sister and treated the rest of her kids different. The part that really destroys me inside is how she always denied it but everyone knows the truth. I sometimes got it worse and I think it has something to do with me looking and reminding her of my dad as she would always compare me to him. So basically that's how my childhood was and sadly with everything I went through, it left me with PTSD. My childhood was dark but in the end I still stayed strong and pushed through but I will admit it left me with mental and emotional scars that I still deal with today. I know I'm not the only one who's gone through this but again I'm just putting my story out there as a way to cope and also for the people who had similar experiences to show them it's people out there who understands them. But anyways this has been part one of my story and part two will talk about my adult life and I'll admit, it's no better but I look forward to sharing it so stay tuned.