Being constantly perceived as mean is breaking me
I work in a job helping autistic kids and the place I work is considered neurodiversity affirming. That’s actually a big focus and is discussed a lot. I’ve been at this job for years now. The owners of the business love me, I work hard, and I’ve had a lot of freedom to grow at this job.
My manager has always had issues with me, generally finding me rude or mean. People were calling her a couple nicknames (nothing mean, just things she wasn’t comfortable with) and for some reason I was the only one corrected for calling her a nickname. Once she brought it up to me I did try to explain myself but she found that rude and I generally just stopped calling her nicknames while other people continued with no issue.
Now she brought up that other people have said I’m being mean. One of the instances she brought up was something I can fully admit was probably mean on my part. I thought I was joking with someone but I can acknowledge it hurt their feelings and was wrong on my part. The other instance was one in which I brought up an actual concern of a coworker breaking rules at this job and I brought it up to this coworker’s manager. My manager said the problem was there were a couple other people around when I said this and it wasn’t nice to say it in front of other people. She explicitly referenced this coworker’s neurodivergence and stated that is the reason for her actions.
I ended up crying because I feel like everyone else’s neurodivergence is respected except for mine. Now my manager feels bad for saying anything but I’m so hurt because people are always telling me it’s not even the words I say, it’s my tone. And I can’t actually even perceive my tone. I don’t want to hurt people and I’m trying so hard not to (I am going to apologize for the instance in which I thought we were joking). I have expressed many times that I am often blunt and monotone and that it doesn’t mean anything but I feel like at this job in particular people are choosing to interpret the things I say as mean. I did express to my manager as well that this is the first and only workplace I have received this feedback.
I just feel like I don’t have room to make mistakes the way other people do. I’ve always been told by therapists to not tell my job that I am autistic but I think I need to at this point. It also confuses me that I work around autistic people all day long and none of my coworkers have seemed to pick up on that. Of note: some of the coworkers who have said things know I am autistic and never once came to me to discuss these concerns before going to my manager.
I have loved this job and have some leadership at this point so I’m not ready to leave yet but I also don’t want to be around these people anymore.