u/nibl8

I (24M) have been with my partner (26F) for 5 years now, and we are going through the toughest rough patch our relationship has ever had.

First, let me give some context. We met when I was 17 and she was 19, and started dating when I was 19 and she was 21. I knew early on that she had chronic illness- she has a condition that gives her severe chronic pain and mobility issues to the point where there are times she struggles to get out of bed. There are times where I have had to wash her body/hair for her in the shower, help her up and down the stairs, make food for her, and many other basic care tasks. I did these things because I loved her, and I still do.

She has been there for me through my highest highs and lowest lows. I have been hospitalized due to SI 3 times, and each time she was there to visit me every single day. She cooks for me when I am too overwhelmed to do so myself, she helps me study, she helps me stay organized. She holds me when I cry. I will fully admit that she does a lot of emotional heavy lifting for me, which I have always tried to express my gratitude for.

Because of her disability, she is unable to work. It’s not that she can’t do anything for herself ever- it’s that her bad pain days are not predictable, and she would often have to call off work with little or no notice. Which, as you can imagine, employers are not exactly jazzed about. We have been trying to get her on disability/social security for years now. She has been denied twice. The third attempt is still pending, and has been for months.

For this reason, I have been the sole breadwinner of our little family (we have 2 cats and 2 dogs) since we moved in together- about 4 years ago. I pay for rent, groceries, medical bills, hobbies, etc. She has no income, and to my knowledge, has not attempted to find any kind of work in years. Granted, the kind of job she would need (remote and choose your own hours) are extremely difficult to come by. But I digress.

During the school year, I work full time as a CNA and am a part time student. I also suffer from major depression. Because of this, I am gone often, and am usually exhausted by the time I get home. However, I still help her with whatever care tasks she needs, because I do not want to see her go without.

Something we have argued and cried about for years now is that I am not spending enough quality time with her, and that her needs are not being met. She says she doesn’t feel like she is a priority to me. This is very hurtful, as from my perspective, I am doing the best I can to take care of her, and in response I am being told that I am not doing enough. I have literally been hospitalized due to overworking myself. I am so tired every single day. I want to be there for her, I do. These days, every interaction seems to end in an argument. I feel like a terrible partner for not taking her out on dates and planning activities more often. I just am so exhausted every day that it is a deep and profound struggle for me. I am so burnt out, in every aspect of my life. I’m tired of fighting all the time. I don’t want to leave her- she’s my best friend. But I don’t know how to take care of myself while also taking care of her.

I know this is kind of a novel. Thank you for taking the time to read this.