I am a person wth deep attachment. When situations to let go arise, I undermine a person, things and relations. It is only then that I can let go of things. Is there any other way to do this?
I have always preferred my own comfort over any person i know - family or friends. I am mentally not available for anyone. I escape at the onset of discomfort or emotional pain. I am unmarried. Even though I am 38 years of age, I never took emotional care of my parents. My attitude has always been such that - I am invincible if i am not bound by anyone. Cutting off from someone is easier to me than showing up for someone.
I always felt not having the burden of looking after someone will make it easier for me and I can achieve bigger things. Whether or not this is true, I do not feel this is right. I want to take responsibility of loved ones. I do not want to disconnect or escape mentally in the name of seeking comfort.
Life is not the same for everyone. In terms of comforts I have everything. But life has given me a lot of struggles and traumas. The only way I coped with them is by downplaying them - the situations and the persons.
Now, when i thought a lot of good things are happening, I am being handed over by a new set of traumas. I did my best to face them, handle them and still give love to the loved ones involved.
But I am ending up at the same junction again. Even though, I do not want to fail them, I am left with no other option than to cut them off from my life, because the situations they are bringing along with them are not to my liking and it is only giving me trauma.
I feel I will be better when i throw them away from me. I do not want to feel them. This way I can protect myself from pain. Is this wrong?
I chased happiness for many many years. I finally found happiness from a relationship. But I am not sure if the relationship will last forever. The only reason I am staying in the relationship is because it is giving me happiness by making me full, a feeling i never felt before.
But this is bringing me back to question myself if happiness is our ultimate goal in life. Is there something beyond happiness?
I am alone and lonely in my late 30s. I do not have friends. And i work in a stressful environment. Over the years, i formed patterns of masturbation and sexual thoughts in my mind, which would in turn free and relax my mind.
I now see that these patterns are no way real. The reality of being with a person would give me a different level of satisfaction. Hence i want to embrace my loneliness and be real with it rather than living in this temporary illusion.
So, how do i break this pattern of wanting to intensely masturbate or fantasize?
When I feel accomplished about achieving something, I feel a fulfilment and a high that makes me so consumed of myself. I feel hyper-happy and feel invincible.
In this state of being, I am careless to everyone close to me. I do not care about their feelings. I go into a dont care attitude feeling I am done caring for their trivial emotions or problems.
Can you help me understand what this behaviour is and how I can be better?
When I say to myself that I do not care about the person and the situation surrounding them, that makes me stronger. I feel lighter by disassociating myself from emotions that arise.
I had always benifitted from such an attitude in moving ahead in life. But this has not given me any valuable connections in life. Not even with my family members.
Is this what it is? Or am i required to work around my emotional regulation? I do not know.
Is it wrong to be in a place where one would seek love and affection?
I dont mind rains. But will rains be in such an extent that i cannot even move within the town?
In order to not connect with myself, in order to not be with myself, not be myself, I ran. I ran after goals. Some of these goals were too big and some were trivial. I set them up to keep myself busy. To not to have time to connect with my frailties.
I was good. I had good intentions. And mostly ethical.
Yet the reason I ran from myself is because I missed something in myself. There was an emptiness. Though I was content, this emptiness did not give me fullness. I was lonely, so I closed myself up to everything.
Then came a person who has shown me what love is. She has opened a beautiful space inside me which made me feel full and whole. All the things i did before with emptiness, i started doing them with love. My world kind of expanded. My self love increased. I slept and woke up with happiness, little things I did not know existed in life. The space became everything. It is the plant whose existence I was unaware of until now.
But that friend has moved on in life. The time that can give me is no longer the same. The distance is farther.
My heart is aching for this change. For having no control over this situation. But I am embracing this beautifully. She has once filled me with happiness and love, and now I am handling my pain, sorrow and anger with the same grace.
But beyond these emotions, what is my purpose in life? The goals I once had are no longer making sense as I now consider them materialistic. How should I lead my life now? How should I handle my loneliness without closing myself up.
P.S: This is feeling so heavy my friends 😊.
After my emotional cleansing. After realizing that I do not have anything in life other than goals. I am happily ready to vanish. Not out of pain. But with lightness. Because this will not burden me any more.
I did not turn off find my iphone. But i saw "Hello" screen after a reset on my iphone. Does this mean i erased my local data for sure?
I [39m] did not know what love is. Never felt that feeling inside me. I should rather say, it was not invoked inside me until her. I feel myself fully, wholly and more happily. I feel softer around her. My egos and hardness in thoughts melt when I converse with her.
I connected with her very deeply. I never knew how to be in bed with a woman. But with her I feel like just cuddling. Sex is not anymore a game of strength, pain and pleasure, but it is a feeling of togetherness and expressing vulnerabilities. I feel more happy being gentle with her and being myself. I do not care how I performed, but rather just want to be in her arms.
10 months into the relationship, i lose myself when she is away. I calm down with her presence. Talking something, anything, drains me of all emotional and psychological baggages, i feel light and happy after out talks.
I naturally care for her and talk to her like she is a 7 year old girl. I melt unknowingly when i do all these things with her.
Can I at least now conclude that this is actually the feeling of love?