u/nk127

In order to not connect with myself, in order to not be with myself, not be myself, I ran. I ran after goals. Some of these goals were too big and some were trivial. I set them up to keep myself busy. To not to have time to connect with my frailties.

I was good. I had good intentions. And mostly ethical.

Yet the reason I ran from myself is because I missed something in myself. There was an emptiness. Though I was content, this emptiness did not give me fullness. I was lonely, so I closed myself up to everything.

Then came a person who has shown me what love is. She has opened a beautiful space inside me which made me feel full and whole. All the things i did before with emptiness, i started doing them with love. My world kind of expanded. My self love increased. I slept and woke up with happiness, little things I did not know existed in life. The space became everything. It is the plant whose existence I was unaware of until now.

But that friend has moved on in life. The time that can give me is no longer the same. The distance is farther.

My heart is aching for this change. For having no control over this situation. But I am embracing this beautifully. She has once filled me with happiness and love, and now I am handling my pain, sorrow and anger with the same grace.

But beyond these emotions, what is my purpose in life? The goals I once had are no longer making sense as I now consider them materialistic. How should I lead my life now? How should I handle my loneliness without closing myself up.

P.S: This is feeling so heavy my friends 😊.

After my emotional cleansing. After realizing that I do not have anything in life other than goals. I am happily ready to vanish. Not out of pain. But with lightness. Because this will not burden me any more.

I did not turn off find my iphone. But i saw "Hello" screen after a reset on my iphone. Does this mean i erased my local data for sure?

I [39m] did not know what love is. Never felt that feeling inside me. I should rather say, it was not invoked inside me until her. I feel myself fully, wholly and more happily. I feel softer around her. My egos and hardness in thoughts melt when I converse with her.

I connected with her very deeply. I never knew how to be in bed with a woman. But with her I feel like just cuddling. Sex is not anymore a game of strength, pain and pleasure, but it is a feeling of togetherness and expressing vulnerabilities. I feel more happy being gentle with her and being myself. I do not care how I performed, but rather just want to be in her arms.

10 months into the relationship, i lose myself when she is away. I calm down with her presence. Talking something, anything, drains me of all emotional and psychological baggages, i feel light and happy after out talks.

I naturally care for her and talk to her like she is a 7 year old girl. I melt unknowingly when i do all these things with her.

Can I at least now conclude that this is actually the feeling of love?