I’m officially a cliché. Husband had an affair when I get seriously ill
I [35F] would’ve laughed if anyone accused my husband [43M] of cheating on me. He wouldn’t have even needed to defend himself because the idea would be so ridiculous to me. In fact, I was bragging about how much I trust him a few days before I found out. We have two young children btw.
For the past year I’ve been struggling with a serious illness. He has been (so I thought) such a wonderful caretaker. I felt tremendous guilt for not being the woman he married once I got sick. I’m always exhausted and I felt like such a nuisance. I had to go into therapy to deal with the guilt that he insisted didn’t exist. He “loves caring for me”.
Whenever he asked about a social event, I insisted he go. I thought he deserved time for himself. I was worried about caretakers burnout. Welp, he used that time to have an affair with an engaged coworker. It escalated quickly, from dick pics to exchanging deep love letters (written while I was in the hospital or sleeping), all within 7 weeks, four of which I was in the hospital. Well, he says 7 weeks. Who knows.
For the past week he has been spiraling, going between crying to excessive drinking for days on end. He insisted it was because he had to layoff someone for the first time and couldn’t handle the guilt. The reaction seemed so disproportionate to how destroyed he was over it. Well, that’s because it wasn’t about empathy for a coworker. It was because his AP told him that she won’t be leaving her fiancé for him.
He was acting so destructive that at one point last week I reached out to his family for help. Everyone supported him and showed up to make him feel better. Ha. What an asshole. Making everyone rally around him because his affair partner wasn’t leaving her fiancé. I even begged my family for help with childcare so he could go to a concert that he planned to go to with her. I needed family because I cannot safely care for them myself due to my illness.
I only found out because he lied about talking to his mother after leaving for an hour. That was very unlike him. When I asked him, he went from “we spoke” to “we spoke briefly” to “fine we didn’t talk but I needed to leave to clear my head”. The fact that he wouldn’t admit anything unless I faced him with proof worried me. I then noticed him being extra protective of his phone. When he was at the store last night, I went to look at his search history to see what was going on. Before I could hit search, I saw sexy messages just open on his computer. THROUGH TEAMS MESSAGES. He was so confident that I would never suspect him that he didn’t even bother to minimize the chat.
Now I can’t trust a single word he says. He promises he’s told me everything until I offer up more evidence I found, then he will admit that happened too. He says it was an emotional affair and that it was just a fantasy, but I would be naive to think they’ve never been physical after reading those messages. He won’t admit it. My heart is too broken to look for any more evidence. It’s all just noise.
I now realize all the times he lied to spend time with her, getting home at 3am. He would sext her while I was sleeping in bed next to him. He even took our kids along to meet up with her.
He says it’s over, but he works with this woman everyday. They’ve been exchanging sexy love notes over teams while I’m downstairs watching the kids.
His AP’s fiancé works at the same company as them. I am bewildered by how bold this all was.
I don’t think I’ll warn the AP’s fiancé. My husband could be fired and he’s the breadwinner. We struggle financially already. So I’m just…. Here. Having to live life next to him, feeling like I don’t know him at all. Every kiss and sweet word feels so insincere that it makes my skin crawl. The only way I see this working is couples therapy, and that will be a long process. I have so much more hurt in my future.
He was begging for forgiveness. Making promises. Telling me he loved me and would never leave me. I couldn’t look at him. I’m sleeping at my sister’s tonight. He needs to be with our 4yo daughter anyways to comfort her from hearing mom and dad fight. We never do. We never used to.
He wants me to talk, but what do I even say? I don’t believe a word he says and I don’t feel like catching him in his own lies. It’s enough. My heart is broken. My spirit is broken. I’m just a shell trying to stay alive for my kids.