jealousy of people diagnosed with EDs/went to therapy when they were children
does anyone else feel an extreme jealousy when they hear or read about about other people experiences of being treated for EDs when they were kids/getting therapy (or getting treated for any mental illness)??
the first time I ever restricted was when I was 11 years old, and its rlly been downhill ever since. 6 years of thinking about food every single day all day. although just bc my ED started at 11 doesn't mean I wasn't struggling before. I was EXTREMELY socially anxious as a child and had very little friends and cried a lot. I always felt lonely and out of place and very disconnected from everyone else in the world.
despite what I (personally feel) were many red flags that I wasn't really well, no one ever really said anything about it and people just acted like it was simply a part of who I was. Now, whenever I hear of people's stories of them being like 'yeah my parents noticed that I didn't connect well with other kids/avoided eating in front of them/hid food or wrappers in my room/seemed very depressed and isolated all the time and they took me to the doctors and I got therapy/diagnosed with mental illness :/' it makes me feel this deep pang of anger and jealousy and sadness because I literally did and do all of that but no one ever said anything or did anything.
I can't remember the last time I ate in front of my family. its been literal years. my mum has made several comments about how I thin I am and my dad even noticed that I had lost weight and my siblings regularly joke/comment on how little I eat, so why isn't it enough? my mum actually knows for certain that I have an ED (she snooped through my room when I was at school, found my diary and READ IT) and said 2 words about it to me and nothing else. I literally wrote that I was going to kill myself on my door and the only thing she did was get angry.
when I hear other peoples stories of how easy it was for them to get help and how much their families cared about them and noticed them makes me feel...angry? I don't know if 'anger' is the right word, but it makes me feel a very intense and negative emotion that makes me want to cry. why do they get help? why do they get noticed? I did what they did. I felt what they felt, so why not me? its a bitter and jealous way to think but I am a bitter and jealous person with a bitter and jealous disease.
I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I don't really have much joy to be robbed of in the first place, hence why I am venting on reddit, so what's the harm? I've never really verbalised any of this stuff out loud, just been aware of it in the background. does anyone else think this way? got to adulthood without anyone ever having said anything and it just makes you feel really depressed? idk