u/notarealaccuh

TW: MENTIONED SA

I have had a problem in most if not all of my relationships. (I cant hold friendships because they bore me, just not mentioned in this.)

Now, some backstory before I get into it, I had a pretty rough childhood. I had CPS involved over hoarding and neglect, was bullied physically by boys and had bugs crushed in my hair, physically abused by my parents although we never told CPS this, (got taken over the final straw of a DUI.) My dad has roughed me up a few times by slamming me head down on our subfloor, my mom at worst pulls my hair and drags me and twice has stomped as hard as she could on my ribs after doing this.

They have verbally abused me, telling me im ugly and deserve no bf I have ever had, and when I was 🕳🕳🕳🕳🕳🕳🕳 assaulted by my first bf, they told me that it was my fault, (admittedly though, it was. I could've called out for my oarents who were in the same room asleep, but I didn't because I was scared that they wldnt care or they'd do something to him. Or he'd choke me harder than he was.)

I accidentally killed a kitten in my sleep once when I was like 10 and was really tore up about it, immediately being called a fatass psycho by my parentsvand have held my dying kittens and chickens alone for hours to try to make them feel safe before they die. That's kinda fucked me up. Especially most recently with my kitten that had its neck broke that I held for 10 hours straight whike it was covered in it's own shit, cleaning it.

In addition, I'm straight ugly and weird. One quirk I've had since forever ago was my obsessive daydreaming. I have caught myself pacing back and forth listening to music, and imagining I was someone prettier and cooler, who could stand up to my bullies and such with coolness. One time, after doing it for around 7 hours, I saw myself in the mirror afterwords and started bawling my eyes out. I had forgotten what I looked like and how ugly I was.

That last paragraph is important to mention.

I have a lot of guilt on my mind from a bunch of different things.

Anyways, on point, my bf and I fight often. Alot of the time it's me starting it, but for a dumb reason. I get a guilty pleasure out of the idea of him telling me how he can do better, and why he knows im ugly. I like it when he confirms im not pretty and when he confirms im a weirdo. He's maybe done it all of twice when I tricked him into it however, or caught how he feels.

The reason I like when he does this is because I like imagining I was him, and could tell myself how much of an ugly worm I am, and why I dont deserve to be happy. I get a guilty pleasure of imaging I was other ppl and putting myself in their shoes to imagine I had a better life. Its selfish, I know I'm weird for it, I just want to know why I do this. I think its dumb when I think about it but I cant help myself. I know I'm a problem, and yes, while I like it when I'm told im whatever, of course it makes me sad and harps on me. I dont personally like it, I just deserve it it feels like.

So can someone tell me how to fix it?

I'll break it down very simply. Laid next to now ex about last year, mind you in a hotel room and a day into being 17 while he was 15 turning 16 the next month. I am smaller, obv. I am the girl btw.

He started licking my tits after convincing me to kiss him, (really just asking over and over and saying he'd be quick until I agreed,) licked my tits before trying to force his hand into my pants to finger me, all while I said no and tried to stop him. He never succeeded and in his own words later: "your (my) belt saved you (me)."

He tried to force my hand into his pants and told me to "just touch it," and when he began to lick my tits again, I attempted to push him off of me and say my dad's name really loud to scare him, just for him to start choking me. I say the safeword he came up with, despite me myself not being into that stuff and already having said it with not wanting to do anything in prep of this day.

He stopped after I kept calling for my dad, albeit quietly so neither of us would get in trouble despite in reality, he would've been the only one looking back.

I rolled over and he started dry humping my butt. After he "apologized" but said it was my fault for whatever reason.

We broke up a month later, thank God. It would've been 20 days later if I hadn't got cold feet and got scared he'd stalk me, instead I was a bitch until he ended it.

Now, at school, he told my brothers and his shared friend that I had a crush on their shared friend. My brother informed him it isn't true, yatta yatta, and he called his new gf my name 5 times. I am on my last year of hs and im scared he's gonna do smth to me before then.

During lunch, he has came up to me and my bf multiple times, talking directly to my bf abt fighting him, and talking to ppl around me because he knows he gets on my nerves.

Am I overreacting? Especially about what went down. I dont even know if its appropriate to call it SA. I also am wondering if anyone thinks he'll do smth to me before I graduate.