u/notundercovercop327

Experiment #20

Episode 410: Hercules Against the Moon Men

Rewatch date: May 20th 2013

Along that road they take the victims to the sacrifice. Beyond the river and those woods is the Mountain of Death.

Humans have an interesting connection to memory. Movies and television shows help bring back the memories of our first experiences with them (where we were, what the circumstances were, what life was like at the time). This episode is one such example. When I was a kid, I had really bad Insomnia. One time, I had a hard time sleeping. My dad heard me tossing and turning. He told me to go to the basement and watch TV til I felt tired. I had always been told not to stay up late. But since dad said it was okay, I went to the basement and watched Hercules Against the Moon Men. Or rather the second half of it. I had watched the first half the day before, but stopped after the “Alan Steele” host segment, knowing I would pick up from there later. After finishing the episode round 4AM, I turned it off and switched to the Adult Swim block on Cartoon Network. I didn’t watch a lot of Adult Swim til I was in High School, and I certainly hadn’t seen most of the stuff that aired after 10PM. That night was the first time I saw what would become one of my favorite anime: Detective Conan, or as it was called when it came to the U.S., "Case Closed". I also saw Lupin the 3rd for the first time. Memories.

Hercules Against the Moon Men is a 1965 re-edit, re-dubbing and retitling of the 1964 Franco-Italian film, "Machiste and the Queen of Samar". I already know what you’re thinking, “What the hell does that title have to do with Hercules?” Well the original film had nothing to do with the mythological Greek demi-god. It was originally about Machiste. Machiste is (I’m told) a character originally created for Italian films in the early 1910s. A sort of ideal man who always saves the day. But we American folk weren’t familiar with this character. So, when the film was brought to the United States by Governor Films, they instead named the hero Hercules. Makes sense considering Joseph E Levine’s distribution of the Hercules films were a major success. I’m no Greek scholar, but I don’t think it detracts or changes much of the film.

Ages ago, a meteorite crashed into the earth. With it came the evil Moon Men (or Moon Man, I don’t think we ever see more than one in the film). The Moon Men demand the Kingdom of Samar to provide their youth for sacrifice every certain lunar cycle. Without the knowledge of her people, The Queen of Samar knowingly aids the evil Moon Men. There is only one man who can put a stop to her evils. Hercules (we always go by the name given in the version used on MST3K) comes to aid the townsfolk. There’s a lot of fighting and torture spikes. I don’t think I’m spoiling much when I say that he succeeds.

When I first saw this episode, it wasn’t something that stuck out as enjoyable. I’ve enjoyed going back to it from time to time. This time I would say was the most enjoyable re-watch. I don’t know if it’s because I have to pay more attention in order to do these write ups. Whatever it is, here’s some riffs I enjoyed:

When the youths are chaned together and brought to the Mountain of Doom for sacrifice, Crow quips “These guys aren’t very good at Tug of War.” Also, just before they are scarified, Servo says “This must be what Limbo is like.” Joel responds “Oh, Rush Limbaugh?” Servo comes back with, “No, then it would be hell.” Near the end we have a scene that looks an awful lot like the book cover to L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics. After Servo points this out, Crow gives us, “How much money can we squeeze out of John Travolta?” Sometimes riffs are timeless, aren’t they? I’d say my favorite joke is when we first see the Queen of Samar’s palace. She has several giant, gold, human statues surrounding her throne. Joel gives us, “Check it out! It’s a Life-Size Achievement Award.”

When I was young, I had a handheld tape recorder (tape recorders were these things we used to record audio before smartphones). I recorded the audio of the sketches from this episode and listened to them during car trips. I was a weird kid. The sketches are engrained in my memory. Servo and Crow failing to run away from home, Super Freak Out!, The Tribute to Pants; all winners. My favorite sketch is The BOOBY Trap Illusion. “It’s just a kind of bird.” The letter reading sketch stood out in my mind. When it comes to discussing this episode, I don’t know if I’ve seen anyone else write about this online. When I was younger, I used to freeze frame the fan letters they would excerpt (again, weird kid). Then I would try to read the entire letter. I remember this one being really sad. It looks like it was written by a child under the age of 10. It says something like "Everyone thinks I'm (Joel)'s lovechild. I don't look like my dad.” I hope that kid (who assuming nothing happened to him, would be an adult now) is doing alright.

Of course, this episode gives us The Mad’s invention exchange: Saaaaandstooorrrm. Which is all part of their new program called "DEEP HURTING!" The Mad’s tease the Sandstorm/DEEP HURTING! bit in host segments 2, 3 and 5. Well sure as rain, the last 14 minutes of the movie is a sequence that takes place during a sandstorm. Joel and the Bots almost lose it. But they manage to keep it together long enough to give a riff close to my heart, “This is what happens when you go to Kansas during Tornado Season.” Also I love Dr. Forrester’s line, “I’m a scientist. I don’t think, I observe!” It’s not anti-scientists, it’s just a fun observation joke (Which is what scientists do best: Observe and then try to find cause).

Sometimes your memories surrounding a past event are better than the actually event itself was. This episode is that for me. I wax nostalgically about seeing the episode at 3AM on a school night and then watching Anime I never could see before. That to me is the beauty of MST3K. Having not been there when it aired, my exposure is much more linked to DVDs than TV airings. I feel this method lends much more to nostalgia and specific memories (Also I don’t have to deal with Penn Gillette’s annoying commentary on the credits).  For that I will always love this episode. It ain’t the funniest. But it’s special to me and that’s all that matters.

But what do you think? Do you have episodes that you enjoy more for the memories associated with them? Do you know if there was more than one Moon Man in the film or not? Do you think you could survive DEEP HURTING!? Leave a comment below and let me know.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday evening/night, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K, Rifftrax, Cinematic Titanic or anything that could be construed as MST3K type programming outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy, I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week we shall see royalty in action. It’s Prince of Space. Looking forward to it. Til then, thank you for reading and DEEP HURTING!

20 Down 156 to go.

Experiment #18

Episode 607: Bloodlust!

Rewatch Date: May 6th 2023

What had been an unpleasant duty developed into a passion… and then into a Lust… A Lust for Blood!

It’s always sad when you reach the last episode on a new MST3K DVD box set. You have to contend with the fact that it will be the last new episode you watch until the next release or until you save up enough money, which often takes at least 6 months. Fortunately, this isn’t the case now but it was back in 2005 for me. I ended my viewing of Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVD collection Volume 1 with Bloodlust!

Bloodlust! is a 1961 film which may or may not have been loosely based on the 1924 short story: "The Most Dangerous Game" by Richard Connell. Two young couples, consisting of Betty, Johnny, Jeanne and Pete, find themselves trapped on a mysterious island run by Dr. Albert Balleau. Dr. Balleau was a snipper during the war. Because of this he developed a lust… a Lust for Blood! But he’s grown tired of hunting animals. So, to satiate his exsanguination desires, he lures unsuspecting people to his island, like our four youngsters, to hunt for sport. Doesn’t seem very sporting if you ask me. Dr. Balleau has the homecourt advantage and the weapons. It’s like a much sicker version of the kid who burns insects with a magnifying glass. Also, his manservant is named Jondor, which is just a great name on the levels of Torgo.

Bloodlust! was the first release for Crown International Pictures. The company had been founded by Newton Jacobs in 1959. The company tapped into the teen demographic with its horror, beach and biker films. Almost a lesser American International Pictures (which is saying something). Unlike AIP though, Crown International Pictures survives to this day. After Newton Jacobs died in a Motorcycle accident in the 1980s, his son Tony took helm of the company. The film is an auspicious beginning for Crown International. Our four young leads almost feel like they were ripped right out of The Many Adventures of Dobie Gillis. Robert Reed plays the hunky leader of the group. It’s weird seeing Mike Brady as a teen heart-throb. But there’s something for everyone. The movie is not bad. Not great. Easily works as either lead or second on a double feature.

Maybe it was the mood I was in but I actually found myself laughing heartily at this episode. I completely forgot about how much Mike and the Bots add to this movie. I love the runner about the clambake that never happens (Seriously, how can they tease us, the audience, with a clambake and not provide?) When Dr. Balleau shoots an arrow into one of his victims, he goes to retrieve it. “Reuse, Reduce, Recycle” as Crow says. Which I think is very important message. To any sociopathic big game hunters who may be reading this: please cut down on your ammo use when you hunt man for thrills. We only have one planet. Man can’t survive to be hunted without it. My favorite riff, one that completely went completely over my head until this most recent viewing, is a 90s reference. When our four youngsters first reach and then happily frolic on the beach, we get the riff, “Hey, they forgot the piano!” This is a reference to 90s film "The Piano". A movie where Holly Hunter plays a woman who chooses to communicate only through her piano. Love that riff. We also get one of the predictive riffs of the show, “Scooby Doo: The Motion Picture”. Who could have seen that movie coming?

The famous behind the scene story about this episode is that the MST3K writing staff decided to limit themselves to only one Brady Bunch Reference. “Well, once I slapped Ann B. Davis.” It’s a good riff but I personally wish there’d been more Brady Bunch references. Not a bunch (apropos choice of words), just maybe 2 or 3 more.

Also riffed in this episode is another short film brought to us by Jam Handy, Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm (which for years I mistakenly thought was called “A Visit to Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm”). Two siblings get dropped off to spend the summer at their Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm. There they learn the process of how cows produce the dairy we consume. Also there’s some frolicking and galivanting in the hay. It’s fine. One of the few color shorts the shows riffed. “AHHH!! I found the pitchfork in the hay! Owy Owy”

The sketches: I had been in therapy before, but it was never quite what Crow went through. Though, as shameful as it is for me to admit, I too have never seen Cliffhanger. *sigh*, It’s my secret shame. We have the hoedown that quickly turns into an anarchistic revolt. A young Maria Bamford played the fiddle during the sketch. “Now Prominade!” My favorite sketch is a simple one: Crow’s Vegable Stand. Crow has a Vegable Stand and he gets run over by a car driven by Servo. It contains possibly the greatest opening line of any sketch in any television show in the history of comedy, “Welp, Good luck with your Vegable Stand. I’m just gonna go over here and be Kenny G.” Before I started using “It’s hard to See the end when your beginning”, that was the line I would use to end thoughtful prose. And some say the sketches shouldn’t be watched. To that I say, Take the stick out of your ass. Oh and good luck with your Vegable Stand. I’m gonna go over here and be Amy Grant.

This episode introduces a new set for Deep 13. “We’re redecorating” as Dr. Forrester explains. Also, we meet Ms. Pearl Forrester, The Doctor’s mother. She’s much different than the Pearl Forrester we get to in the Sci-Fi era. We learn that she and TV’s Frank have been corresponding for years. I enjoy the dynamic of Clayton trying to impress his mother, only to lose out to Frank.

Bloodlust! is a nice way to end a box set. I enjoyed this episode more than I thought I would. Not as much as The Skydivers, but far more than The Creeping Terror or Catalina Caper. Thank you, Crown International Pictures, for helping make a great MST3K box-set. This won’t be the last of their films I’ll watch. Still have their biker films to go (heaven help me).

What do you think of this episode? Do you find this episode more fun than you first thought? Do you find the concept of hunting man for sport unfulfilling? Do you ever wonder what happened to Jondor once the events of the film were over? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy, I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, I will begin another box set (much sooner than when I first began collecting MST3K box sets). Which set will it be and which episode will start the run? You’ll have to wait and find out. Til then, thank you for reading and good luck with your Vegable Stand. I’m gonna go over here and be Marisa Tomei. 

18 Down 158 to go.

Episode #17

Experiment 609: The Skydivers

Rewatch Date: April 29th 2023

I Like Coffee!

I had been warned when I first got into Mystery Science Theater 3000 that some episodes were harder to watch then others. The example that my friend D.J. gave to me was a film called "The Skydivers". DJ said that the majority of the film was just shots of skydiving. His description was accurate. In the episode’s second sketch, TV’s Frank informs Mike that the film is “Kinda like Manos, without the lucid plot.” I have to say that’s accurate. I could tell you the plot of Manos: The Hands of Fate after the first time I watched it. I’ve watched The Skydivers 7-8 times and it wasn’t til this latest re-watch that I finally figured out what the plot of the film is.

Beth and Harry run a skydiving academy where skydivers come and skydive (right there in the title folks). Turns out Harry has been having an affair with local skank, Suzy. When Harry breaks off the affair, Suzy vows revenge. So, she enlists maroon Franky to help kill Harry by pouring acid into his parachute. During a celebration, Harry jumps, His chute disintegrates and he falls to his death. Suzy and Franky get killed whilst running away from police and Beth gives up running the skydiving academy. Depressed yet?

The Skydivers was released in 1963 and was the 2nd movie directed by Coleman Francis. Coleman Francis made three full-lenght movies in his lifetime. All three were featured on MST3k and have made various lists of worst films of all time. His film style includes many of the things which make for bad cinema. The acting is bad but also almost soulless. It’s almost like a Bergman film that got put through some sort of Mando Cane sausage maker. The film truly feels slap dashed in almost every aspect. The editing constantly shifts from random half second shots of characters. What’s weird is that this movie has beautifully taken film of people skydiving. it doesn’t appear to be stock footage. I always wonder how Francis was able to shoot that. Tony Cardoza helped Coleman Francis finance most of his films. Which explains why he starred in all three films. We’ll talk more about him and Francis when I rewatch Red Zone Cuba.

Is The Skydivers one of the worst movies ever featured on MST3K? Yes. Is it the worst? No. Is it the worst one I’ve watched up to this point in my experiment? That’s a tough one. I’m only 17 episodes in. I still feel like The Creeping Terror is worse. But this is a close second. It’s amazing how Coleman Francis is able to almost steal your soul in that his films are so depressing. With how bleakly shot they are, how depressed the actors look and how the films always end with the main characters’ deaths. It’s almost as if the film was some sort of way to unleash depression on the masses in order to boost the sales of anti-depressants (which I don’t think existed when The Skydivers was released). Maybe this film was the root cause of the mental health crisis in American. Who’s to say? When I first saw this episode, I hated it. Now I love this episode.

The riffing manages to make one of the most depressing films in history a laugh riot. When Skydiver Pete’s parachute doesn’t open, leading to his death, Crow remarks, “Originally they were going to spread his ashes from the plane, but that seemed a little insensitive.” When Suzy and Franky flee from the crime scene, Police chase them down and immediately begin shooting. “We saw you at the crime scene so we’re going to kill you.” There are 2 runners that stand out. The first is Coffee, which will be discussed later, and the other is Petey the plane. The plane from which the skydivers jump looks like a character from some local television kids show. So naturally Mike and the Bots form a runner around it by creating the fictional character that is Petey the Plane. “Hi Kids, I’m Petey the Plane!” I don’t know what it is about Petey, but I love him.

Also riffed in this episode is a Centron produced short film entitled: Why Study Industrial Arts. “Because you’re bad at math.” I saw this one on a shorts collection before seeing this episode. It’s a good one. It tells, in almost depressing fashion, the benefits of taking an Industrial Arts course in High-school. Because of digital, Industrial Arts classes are something that has gone by the wayside in the schooling system today. Which is a shame. I know I could have used a course like that. It could still be used today because we’ll need scores of men to operate machines, we’ll need designers to make and model future appliances, "we’ll need actors… people who can read… lines and… interact with others." I always wonder the purpose of these films. I can’t imagine any industrial arts teachers trying to show this to bring interest to the field. “I put a patio in my living room!”

The sketches… yeah. Season six is hard for me because I think the sketches more often than not fail. I enjoyed industrial arts and swing choir. Other than that, it really doesn’t do it for me. I don’t like it when the sketches have nothing to do with anything. Crow putting himself in a Jock-lock, Servo’s planetarium, Crow getting his hot rod blowed up. They are all reminiscent of nothing. Also, I’ve never liked how Frank and Forrester’s dynamic changed around this time. They go from being a mad scientist and his inept lab assistant to essentially being two closeted roommates. I’m not sure what exactly necessitated this change. A lot of people like this era. I didn’t. One last note, did people really use to play dodgeball the way Forrester forces Frank to? Just Frank standing in a circle with Forrester chucking dodgeballs at him? What’s the point of this sketch?

The Skydivers is an episode that you probably won’t enjoy on the first watch. You probably won’t enjoy it on the second watch. But odds are it will eventually grow on you. I rank this episode as just shy of being Classic MST3K. Bring it on Coleman Francis! I’m ready for your next film!

But what do you think? Do you enjoy watching The Skydivers? Do you enjoy the Frank/Forrester dynamic of season six? Are you still wondering when Joe is going to get the coffee, he was so horribly tantalized with but ultimately denied? Leave your thoughts below.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy, I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, I suspect we shall develop a lust… A Lust for Blood! Because we’ll be watching Bloodlust. Crown International Pictures' first major film release. Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

17 Down 159 to go.

Experiment #16

Episode 204: Catalina Caper

Rewatch Date: April 22nd 2023

Never steal anything wet (which funnily enough is the title of the porno knockoff of Catalina Caper)

The 60s. It was turbulent time. What with the Civil Rights, the Vietnam war, the protesting, the Cold War and people smoking openly on The Tonight Show. It was a time of great unknown for the country. In all that time, teens went to the beach to avoid their lives of worry. Those who didn’t live near a coastline had to settle for beach movies. Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon pretty much owned the early 60s. But the fad did die eventually. After it did, Crown International Pictures tried to pump some life back into it with a caper off the coast of Catalina.

Catalina Caper is a 1967 film set on the island of Catalina. I’ve never been to Catalina. Someone tell me, is this film accurate to that area? Former Disney legend, Tommy Kirk sure seems to enjoy it though. He and his pals are enjoying their vacation when he sees a creepy girl. He tries to flirt with her, only to discover she has a boyfriend *Womp Womp*. While this goes on, a Dom DeLuise wannabe steals a scroll from a poorly guarded museum (which looks more like a residence than a museum). He gives it to a knockoff Thurston Howell III. They’re planning on making a copy of the scroll and selling it to a group of Greek mobsters. While this is going on, a drunk seems to be following every action of these characters. Eventually there’s some underwater shenanigans, Tommy Kirk ends up with the creepy girl, the scroll gets returned and all is well.

This is a beach movie that came about 2 years too late. Kids were done with the beach. They’d moved on to motorcycle gangs (which will play into later Crown International movies). Tommy Kirk is in this movie, looking like he’s in a really bad part of his life. This movie does have cameos and songs by Little Richard, The Cascades and Carol Connors. That’s something unique. Rarely does anyone play themselves in an MST3K film. Robert Donner, who played Exer on Mork and Mindy, plays the drunk guy in this film. To the surprise of no one, it turns out he’s a detective. But he gets thwarted. I always felt bad for his character. He goes through all the prat falls and slaps to try to arrest a criminal but it doesn’t happen. Would have been nice if he had at least arrested the Greek mobsters.

The major problem with this film is that it's a straight comedy. It’s really hard to riff straight comedy because it often feels like Joel and the Bots are laughing at their own jokes. I did enjoy the comparisons of other artists who could have replaced Little Richard and the Cascades (Rick James and the Up With People Singers). And my friend DJ and I always liked the riff about the girls dancing on dumpsters, “Wouldn’t that make them white trash?” Other than that, the theater segments don’t really do anything for me.

The host segments are where this episode shines. God Bless Galaxina and all the other hot robots of cinema. Joel’s Tickle Bazooka and the Mads’ Tank Tops are good ones. Frank's Tupperware party cements the relationship between him and Dr. Forrester (noticed for the first time during this viewing that Forrester is eating Frank’s eyeball in the signoff). But the standout upon all standouts: The Creepy Girl Song. Damn these guys could write some good songs. And Servo sells it. I have the MP3 of this one and I wish I could listen to it now. “The ‘P’ is definitely not platonic” Thank you Servo for saving the episode.

Overall, Catalina Caper is a bust of an episode. One that is beloved in the community but has never really done it for me. The biker films this season are similar. I don’t get why people like them so much. But I’m glad they do. I would love to know their appeal

What do you the reader think? Do you enjoy revisiting this episode? Did you feel bad for Exer? Do you think creepy girl was attractive? Let me know in the comments below.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy, I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, my first entry into the Coleman Francis lineage. Which of the 3 could it be? If you own volume 1 then you probably already know. Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

16 Down 160 to go.

Experiment #15

Episode 606: The Creeping Terror

Rewatch Date: April 15th 2023

My God! What is it?

The only way to get access to Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes in 2005 was through official releases. Yes, there were ways to download episodes off the internet. But my family didn’t have that luxury. My house only got the internet for 10 hours a month and it was slow to a crawl (not unlike this week’s experiment). Fortunately, my mom’s friend had access to eBay. With the money I had saved, she was able to buy for me a copy of Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume 1 (Thanks Aly). I remember eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new set. It took forever to arrive but when it did, I popped in the episode with the most promising title.

The Creeping Terror is a 1964 sci-fi film made by a one Arthur J Nelson. Nelson starred in the film, under the pseudonym “Vic Savage”. Savage was an appropriate description of the man. He had been a troubled youth before moving west. Apparently, he went to a small California town and convinced the residents they could make a great monster movie. Of course, he would be directing and it would be done on the town’s dime. But a good movie could still be produced. Oh, those poor townsfolk. A few years ago, a documentary was made about Nelson and the making of The Creeping Terror called "The Creep Behind the Camera". When I was doing the MSTiecast, I reached out to the director, Pete Schuermann to see if he would do an interview. He never got back to me. If the documentary was anything to go by, Nelson was a psychopath. A man fixated on himself and who didn’t care who he had to hurt or rob in order to get what he wanted. The documentary also insinuates that Nelson did some REALLY, REALLY BAD STUFF. How Bad? So bad that it would be completely inappropriate to joke about. I will try to write this movie up as delicately as possible. Also, he directed a movie called "Street Fighter" that I’ve never been able to find.

Before I go further, I first want to tell you about one of my favorite songs. In 1975, the band Genesis released a single called "The Carpet Crawlers". It’s about a man trapped in a red corridor, surrounded by a religious cult, all crawling upon individual carpets. I wonder if Peter Gabriel had seen The Creeping Terror before making the song. Frankly “The Carpet Crawl” is a more accurate title for this film.

The small southern county of Angel is being terrorized by a giant creature which makes its way through the woods. It devours all it sees, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. Now that description sounds really cool, doesn’t it? Well unfortunately the titular “Terror” isn’t quite the menace it needed to be. Made by an eccentric artist for the film for no money, The “Terror” is essentially a giant slug made of carpet. With eyes-o-plenty (attached to what look like whistling tubes), a mouth that looks like a giant vulva (ask your mom) and manned by a bunch of college kids. Rumor has it that a more impressive monster was made but stolen or lost shortly before filming. Never gotten any kind of confirmation on that. The Terror moves at a brisk pace of about 14 feet per minute. One could easily walk away from it. But instead, victims sit paralyzed with… fear? Then the monster eats them. Well not so much eats them as much as waits for the victims to crawl into its vulva mouth. Did director Nelson get some sort of sexual pleasure upon watching young women crawl into the creature’s mouth? Probably.

After the film completed shooting, Nelson and his then wife skipped town. The film ended up in the hands of William Thourlby who had co-starred in and co-financed the film. He edited the film into somewhat of a narrative and had a radio announcer narrate the majority of the film. I would argue that the Narrator is the star of the movie. Afterwards the film made its way to television. I’ve never been able to track down any kind of promotional material for the film. Thourlby left Hollywood and became a wardrobe consultant for President Nixon. Meanwhile, Nelson died in hiding somewhere in Kansas City in the 1970s. If anyone deserved to die in obscurity, it was Nelson.

Oh Lordy, Oh Lordy. This film is a tough one to sit through. The film is so dreary and so plotless that I have no clue how any human being could at any point, unironically, watch this movie in its entirety. It begs the question; Did Nelson know he was making garbage or did he legitimately think he was making a solid Science Fiction Film? Who knows. Script was written by Allen Silliphant (or possibly his brother Robert), Brother of Sterling Silliphant (who was also brother to Robert). It’s weird that this movie has a connection to Manos: The Hands of Fate. Though I don’t think Hal Warren ever went off to have relations whilst shooting a scene. Nelson clearly was not a good person and he made a clearly not good movie. As of this point in my experiment, The Creeping Terror is the worst movie I have seen. Way worse than Manos. Season Six of MST3K, I think, has the highest ratio of really bad movies. This, The Dead Talk Back, High School Big Shot, the Coleman Francis Films. Frank Conniff picked the movies up to that point. He left the series after the season and must have wanted to leave the show with the bang.

The episode has some good riffs. It was hard for me to pay attention at a certain point because I had to go the bathroom at one point but part of my experiment dictates that I can’t stop the episode once it starts. My favorite riff is when the hat of a deputy is found and Mike states “It’s Dan Blocker’s Hat”. Good one Mike! When the overweight grandfather begins to look for his grandson Tommy, the great riff comes of “Tommy! Tommy! Oh, wait his name’s not Tommy. Steve!”

For a long time, the dreariness of the film overshadowed the riffing for me. Often, I would just watch the episode’s host segments. The SOL becoming a coffee house has a line I still repeat “You, the White Male Middle Class Power Holder, are my oppressor.” During this rewatch I realized that I’ve been misquoting and Gypsy doesn’t say “Middle Class Power Holder” until later in the sketch. The Love American Style sketches were ones I always remembered. When I interviewed Jim Mallon, the one question I needed to know the answer to was “Do you hate Love American Style?” The sketch seems to cement the crappienss of that show to a tee. “Mike, I think it’s time we blew the lid off Love American Style.”

The best sketch is of course, Mike’s stereo system. During the film, an irrelevant dance scene, taking place at a high school gym, is shown. “This dance is dedicated to the treble cleft.” We get a full 10-minute scene of this dance with no dialogue and the same jazz song playing on loop. Then the creature shows up and kills all the people at the dance (the day the music truly died). So naturally Mike tests out his new speakers with the dance hall music from this scene. The sketch is so surreal and would never get on television today. It’s almost 2 minutes of a guy standing, listening to music contently, saying nothing. If Comedy Central had any kind of control over the show, they would have put the kibosh on that scene (thank God the network had no say). The music also plays over the episode’s end credits. At the end of the credits, we get a 30 second, still shot of the MST3K spaghetti ball logo with the music playing. I wonder if people legitimately thought their televisions were broken or something. Again, no network today would allow that. Hell, they wouldn’t even allow a show to have credit sequences. Now Viacom runs their credits over the last 30 seconds of their shows. FU Viacom, FU.

The Creeping Terror is truly a sight to behold. Not in a fantastical sense, but in a “how on earth does this exist” sense. The episode for me ranks average. I enjoyed on this re-watch more than any other time I’ve seen it. I don’t think I’ll be watching it again anytime soon though. I may re-watch Creep Behind the Camera later. Just to make sure I’m getting all the facts about the film correct.

What do you think of this episode? Do you think this is the worst MST3K movie thus far? Do you think Nelson had some sort of sexual thrill from the creature scenes? Do you think The Creeping Terror music was the best way for Mike to test out his stereo system? Leave a comment below to let me know.

“The carpet crawlers heed their callers, We've got to get in to get out”

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy, I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Don’t be a Creep next week, because we’ll be watching the season two episode: Catalina Caper. One of very few comedy movies riffed on the show. Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

15 Down 161 to go.

Experiment #14

Episode 821: Time Chasers

Rewatch Date: April 8th 2023

When you change something in the past, it causes a Tangent.

We used to have these things called “libraries”. They were buildings with large collections of these things called “books”. “Books” were these tomes that contained collections of thinly pressed pieces of wood upon which text was ascribed. You used to be able to borrow these “books” from the “libraries” and return them on a later date. You could also borrow DVDs from the Library (I hope people still know what those are). My friend DJ would always borrow the MST3K DVD sets from his branch library (the waitlist was enormously long). One time he borrowed Volume Five. He then brought it to my house and watched the season eight episode: Time Chasers.

In the film, amateur pilot and college teacher, Nick Miller, turns his small plane into a working time machine (or “Time Transport” as he calls it) and successfully travels to the year 2041. A year with buildings made from recycled material, food courts and significantly more bicycle riding.  Wanting more appreciation for his genius and money to finance future trips, Nick returns from the future to the present and sells the patent to the Time Transport to a big tech company called GenCorp. Nick hopes the company will use the Time Transport for good. But upon going back to the future (hey, that’d be a good title for a movie), he sees that it has become a dystopic hellhole with not a single food court to be seen. Realizing what caused this to happen, Nick travels back to the past to stop himself from selling out to Evil Co. and prevent the evil CEO from destroying the world.

Originally filmed and released under the title of "Tangents", Time Chasers is a 1994 film made in and by residents of the state of Vermont. Director David Giancola was only 21 years old when he directed the film, making him the youngest person to direct a film featured on MST3K. It was made on weekends by a group who were clearly passionate about their work. And you know what, they made good movie. I’m not just saying this because I know Mr. Giancola (and there’s a good chance he’s going to read this). This is a good movie. Flawed, but a good time. I had the privilege of interviewing Giancola for my old podcast, The Mstiecast. He was a delight; I bought a poster from him which he autographed for me. He also threw in a Castleton T-Shirt, just like the one Nick Miller wears in the film.

I said it back in 2012 and I’ll say it now, Time Chasers is a legitimately good movie. At one point in time, this movie was listed #14 on IMDB's worst movies of all time. That's just stupid. Cleary IMDB hadn't factored in films like The Robot VS Aztec Mummy. There is this misconception that only the worst films were featured on MST3K. This isn’t really the case. Yes, a large number of the films featured on MST3K could only be described as ‘crap’. But a good chunk of them are merely lesser films which lend themselves well to riffing. Giancola has always been a good sport about the riffing of his directorial debut. I think that’s cool considering the 3rd riff in the episode is “A David Giancola Film… is not something you’d want to see.” Time Chaser’s use on MST3K helped the film turn a profit and achieve cult status. As I’ve said about previous film Space Mutiny, and I'll say it about this film too, the makers of this film deserve every dollar they’ve ever made from the film’s MST3K and Rifftrax appearances.

The riffing in this episode is top notch. We get a lot of jokes about Vermont, “Vermont, the other, smaller Wisconsin.” We get riffs about our character’s appearances, “Wait, this guy can’t be the star of our movie. Movie, can I see your supervisor?” We get riffs with pop culture motifs, “Oh hey they used some leftover Miami Vice Music.” We get riffs about the acting in the film, “See, this what you get when you hire the guy who works in your dad’s print-shop as an actor.” And we get obscure references, “The future still has Mason Reese.” I always have a hard time picking favorite riffs from episodes this good. It’s like picking a favorite child. I don’t have kids, But I imagine it would be easier if your kids didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped. If I had to choose one, it would go to a scene early in the film where Nick is explaining his Time Transport to a GenCorp executive and a reporter/love interest. “This stuff, this plane rather, allows anyone inside it to…” Mike interjects with, “get a film career that quickly dies.” Love those kinds of ‘finish the sentence’ riffs.

The sketches mirror the plot of the film. Crow goes back to the year 1985 to try to keep young Mike Nelson from taking the temp jobs that resulted in his being sent into space. We meet young Mike and discover how bad things are for him… “He’s a Journey Fan.” Crow manages to convince Mike to quit his temp jobs and focus his energy on his band: Sex Factory. Upon returning to the present, Crow discovers that Mike’s abusive, older brother Eddie is now stranded on the Satellite of Love with him and Servo. Unlike Mike, Eddie is quite cruel to the bots. Crow would be able to live with this if it weren’t for the fact that his actions led to Mike dying on stage after being hit in the beans by stray hotel keys thrown by adoring fans. “An excellent death.” Because of this, we get a segment of the film riffed by Eddie. He’s mostly mean to the film and it’s clear he hates puns. Wonder how he handled watching films like Incredible Melting Man, something to ponder. So Crow goes back in time to stop himself from stopping Mike quitting his temp jobs. “Mike, ditch your band. It’s going nowhere. Stick to your life of low paying, remedial jobs.” A good and funny storyline. Apparently one of the actors who was in Time Chasers, Peter Harrington who played Matthew Paul (AKA Pink Boy), was going to be brought to Minnesota to cameo in the episode. But Sci-Fi channel executives either wouldn’t foot the bill or just didn’t want it to happen. Shame, I would have loved to have seen that. Would he have been past Mike’s boss at the cheese factory? Would have made more sense than the cameos that happened in the newer series. Oh, and we get the brilliant line “Mike, when exactly do you become not stupid” from the sketches. Still repeat that one.

I remember busting a gut the first time I watched this episode. This time I still laughed, though not as much as previous viewings. That mainly comes down to the fact that I’ve seen this episode so many times, I’ve practically memorized all the riffs. Time Chasers is one of those episodes that just works on every level. The film is good but flawed, the riffing never dips, the sketches are both funny and relate to the film. My only wish is that Pink Boy could have been there to witness Mike and the Bots riff him. Loved the episode in 2005. Still love it in 2023 (my, don’t we feel old now). I just realized; it was 18 years ago that I first saw this episode and the film takes place 18 years from now. Coincidence?!?... Yeah, probably. But should I need to fix the past, I’ll be ready. “For Castleton!!!”

What do you think? Do you think Time Chasers is a legitimately good film? Do you think Observer's credit interruption was funny? Do you think less of Nick Miller's genius considering he sold the keys to time travel to someone who was clearly greedy and evil? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy, I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. This week we watched a movie made by a small town outside Hollywood hoping to make something delightful. Next week will also be a movie made by a small town outside Hollywood hoping to make something delightful. However, unlike Time Chasers, which was crafted by a talented and good-hearted director with a vision, Next Week’s movie will be one that was directed by legitimate psychopath (That is not hyperbole). The Creeping Terror comes this way soon (well, it will get there eventually). Til then, thank you for reading and Keep

 Circulating the Tapes.

14 Down 162 to go.

Experiment #13

Episode 301: Cave Dwellers

Rewatch Date: April 1st 2023

He is defender of knowledge and protector of the future. He is Ator.

It was another Saturday night in 2005. I popped in the next episode of the three VHS tapes that my dad and I had found: Cave Dwellers. An episode I had heard many great things about and an episode that is defined as iconic MST3K. I sat in front of my living room television, turned down the lights, had a snack, watched the episode and thought, “Eh, it was okay.”

In a time, long past, the wise sage Akronos has with him the source of infinite power. Akronos knows that many an evil want the infinite power for themselves. So, before the evil Zor (Who kind of looks like Frank Zappa with a Fu-Manchu) arrives to take it from him, Akronos tells his daughter Mila to “travel to the ends of the earth” to find the mighty warrior: Ator. Mila travels and, surprisingly quickly, finds the Ator and his trusty, East-Asian, mute aide: Tong. Together, the three do some more traveling and eventually defeat the evils of the world and preserve the infinite power.

Cave Dwellers is a re-edit of the 1984 film Ator: Orion the Invincible (or "The Blademaster" in some markets). It is the sequel to Ator the Invincible. I haven’t seen that film. But Ator wasn’t really ‘invincible’ in Cave Dwellers so... The film was directed by legendary Italian filmmaker Joe D’amato. My former colleague, Alex Jowski, was a huge Joe D’amato fan and made many videos discussing his work. I’m not sure if they’re still up or not. Either way, I don’t know much about D’amato other than he made schlock and was very distinct in his filming style.

Twas the great poet laureate Joel who once pondered, “Who is this stranger with pecs like melons and knees of fringe?” He is the actor  Miles O’Keefe. O’Keefe was and probably still is a very fit, muscular man. He often found himself playing loincloth clad characters. From what I’ve heard he has always lived down that reputation as it prevented him from doing other more serious work. O’Keefe is beloved in the circles of MST3K as the first actor to give his seal of approval to the riffing of himself and the film he was in. Legend has it that he personally called Best Brains to let them know how much he enjoyed the episode. O’Keefe seems like a good sport. The biggest travesty in terms of the DVD re-releases is the fact that no one tried to get an interview with him for the release of the episode on Vol 2. I want a Miles O’Keefe interview Dammit! Make it happen.

The character he plays, Ator, is often compared to Conan the Barbarian. The film was released around the same time as the Arnold Schwarzenegger flick. But as someone once pointed out to me, Ator is really the “Anti-Conan”. Ator is called the “Guardian of Knowledge” in the film and he backs that claim up. He crafts and wields scientific potions, cures the injured with medicine, chooses non-violence and reason and only resorts to fighting when someone throws the first strike. Whereas Conan was basically just a violent misanthrope who was buff and knew how to use a sword. That said, even I am skeptical of Ator’s ability to somehow build a modern hang glider in ancient times. Even if he was bestowed the knowledge of flight by Akronos, I don’t think the materials at hand would sustain flight for any significant period of time.

This episode begat some runners that would make their way into future riffs. A low shot of Ator makes it seem like he is a Colossus. The riff given, “I’m Huge!”, made its way onto T-Shirts sold by the show. Servo’s claim that Batman is “not a Comic Book! It’s a Graphic Novel!” is still talked about in many MST3K subgroups. It’s even mentioned in a fan-letter in future episode 606: The Creeping Terror (which we will talk about before the end of the month). For the record, Batman is not a Graphic Novel. It’s a Comic book series that was adapted into Graphic Novels on later occasions. But it has consistently been a Comic Book, thus making it the correct term. The riffing in this one is good, not awesome. But it earns its keep in the pantheon of MST3K classics. My favorite riff is when a pre-historic caveman rips out the heart of a slave and feeds it to his master. The quip, “Hey, it’s a Barney Clark Bar” is uttered. That is another example of a really smart riff that I think most shows would never even conceive of making nowadays.

There are a few Classic sketches in this one. Everyone picking their own names is good (who wouldn’t prefer the respected name “Chuck Woolery”? Oh wait…). Joel and the Bots pointing out the many errors in the film (a caveman wearing Ray-Bans, this pre-historic world somehow having tire tracks, Ator flying a hang glider over a modern city) is a classic ender. Though it brings something interesting to the watch. In the MST3K version of this film, we never actually see that scene with the guy wearing sunglasses. Also, the stinger for the episode wasn’t in the riffed version of the film either. These are the things that bother me more than anything when it comes to MST3K episodes. I can handle cheesy sets or semi-flubbed lines, I have a hard time with referring to something that the show edited out of the film (Mitchell is not one of them. I’ll explain when we get to that episode).

The best sketch is Joel and the Bots re-creating the movie’s Film Ventures International title sequence. For those who may not know (which if you’re reading this, I don’t know how that is) Film Ventures International was a film company that had produced and distributed many films throughout the 70s and 80s. At some point in 1990, they started taking films with questionable copyright statuses, re-edited them, slapped new titles and title sequences on them and distributed them as their own product. For this movie, they created a new opening and ending credit sequence by taking scenes from a 60’s film called “Taur: The Mighty”, removing the sound, slowing the footage down with a polarization effect and slapping the inaccurate title “Cave Dwellers” on a black bar covering the lower 3rd of the footage. Nine films under the moniker of FVI were features on MST3K. I’ve never been able to track down the non-MST3K versions of any of their films which makes me sad. And it will be a while before I am able to watch another one for this experiment as Master Ninja wasn’t released on DVD until 2011.

During the title sequence sketch, Joel is wearing the same hat that the “evil John Saxon Looking guy” was wearing in the film. Tom of Tom’s Temple has that prop, last I heard (lucky). I always enjoy the homespun feel of these sketches. Crow loses his sword at the beginning but they keep going. Makes it feel more real. Too much television nowadays is so overproduced and scrutinized to the point of “perfection” that it makes it unenjoyable. The song playing in the background is a Mike Nelson composition known as “Jupiter”. I wish they had released that song at some point. Can someone get me an MP3 of it?

At its core, Cave Dwellers is what’s know as a “Sword and Sandal” movie: A film set in a fantastical world with wizards and warriors and low modesty. I’ve never been a huge fan of these types of films. They all feel like the same movie to me. At the end of yesterday’s recent re-watch of Cave Dwellers, I pretty much had the same thought I did when I was 14, “Eh it was okay.” That said, of all of the Sword and Sandal flicks used on MST3K, This one is my favorite. For that I applaud you Cave Dwellers. You were a great start to a 3rd season of Movie riffing delights and what many call "The Golden Period" of the show.

But what do you think of this episode? Do you think this is the beginning of MST3K’s "Golden Period"? Do you think Ator was the “Anti Conan”? Do you think it’s even remotely feasible that Ator could have built a modern hang glider in the world he lived in? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. The episode that I originally watched after Cave Dwellers was The Amazing Colossal Man. But because a certain miserly, old woman refuses to let anyone license the films she owns for Home Video releases (angry grumble), that one will have to wait. So instead, we’ll be watching Time Chasers next week. Though If you have a time plane (get it) then you can just fly a week into the future and see it. Till then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

13 Down 163 to go.

Experiment #12

Episode 513: The Brain that Wouldn’t Die

Rewatch Date: March 25th 2023

To be able to transplant limbs and organs. To be able to replace diseased and damaged parts of the bodies… so the new parts will join together as if they were born there.

There is a series of stores in the Midwest called Vintage Stock. They carry niche items (Video Games, DVDs, Trading Cards, Comic Books, ect). The one that first went to was near an Uno’s Pizza. Both the Vintage Stock and the Uno’s Pizza have since closed ☹.  But this store used to have a section dedicated to VHS tapes. One time when I went there, they had three used Mystery Science Theater 3000 VHS tapes for sale. One was Cave Dwellers (which we’ll talk about next week), one was The Amazing Colossal Man (Which we’ll talk about in three years) and one was today’s experiment: The Brain that Wouldn’t Die.

In The Brain that Wouldn’t Die (or The Head that Wouldn’t Die as indicated in the end credits), plastic surgeon Doctor Bill is sick of the Hippocratic oath, and begins experimenting on his patients. Transplanting not only hearts and kidneys, but also limbs and spinal bones. These methods aren’t approved as his Furor lookalike dad who happens to be the head doctor. Unorthodox or not, he has managed to bring patients back to life, but at what cost? Doctor Doesn’t Play by the Rules gets word from his assistant. At the scary mansion he performs his experiments in, there is a problem with an “Experiment” being held there. So, Dr. Bill drives his unsuspecting fiancé, Jan, to the mansion to see what the problem is. Along the way, Bill loses control of his wife’s car and crashes. Dr. Can’t Drive 55 survives with minor cuts and bruises. But his Fiancé loses her head (in both a metaphorical and literal sense). Dr. Ex-Football player scoops up his wife’s head from the wreckage and brings it back to life. Jan is now a disembodied head being kept alive in a pan filled with what the bots affectionately label as “neck juice”. Despite being just a head, Jan gets really grumpy about being given a second chance at life. Constantly saying her husband should have just let her die. So ungrateful. Regardless, Doctor Doesn’t Believe in Right to Die decides to find a replacement body that he can transplant Jan’s head onto. He peruses strip clubs and brothel’s in an attempt to find the right body. He settles on a model with a disfigured face. Whilst all this goes on, Jan in the Pan manages to form a psychic link with one of the “Experiments” being held in the basement of the mansion. Doctor False Hope brings his young model victim back to his mansion in attempt to drug her and cut off her head. But before he is able to operate, he discovers that his assistant has been killed. The “Experiment” breaks free revealing itself to be an 8-foot-tall mash of disformed body parts. It kills Doctor Roofie and accidently sets fire to the Mansion. The “Experiment” saves the model that Doctor Dead brought, thinking she was the one with which he had the psychic link. Jan in the Pan is left to presumably die. And then Jan in the Pan laughs over the end credits, despite not really winning.

Like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, The Brain that Wouldn’t Die is one of those legendarily bad films that is always written about in books like Golden Turkey Awards, 50 Worst Films, ect. This movie does borrow quite liberally from future episode, The Thing That Couldn’t Die. Despite its reputation, I don’t know much about the making of this film or any factoids. There is a Musical version that was made a few years ago, but I haven’t checked it out. I think there was a cut of this movie released in Europe with some brief nudity. But other than that, I’ve not much to report. One of the models who was in the film did an interview for the MST3K DVD release of this episode. Just watch that. She can tell you more than I can.

This episode was a new chapter in the MST3K lore. And despite my disappointment with the episode, I think they made the right choice in the film they selected. I’ve always argued that each cast change on MST3K warrants a classic film as the first for the newbie. The first episode of the series was The Crawling Eye, the first episode where Kevin Murphy played Servo was Rocketship X-M, Sci-Fi Channel’s first episode was Revenge of the Creature. All classic and iconic films. The Brain that Wouldn’t Die is the most iconic of any introductory MST3K episodes. The only other Season 5 episode that I think also could have worked would have been something like Beginning of the End. So, I’m glad they went with this film as Mike’s First.

This is a monumental episode. The first episode hosted by Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson. When Joel Hodgson announced that he was leaving the show, there was a brief question of who would replace him. The remaining cast and crew pondered and Mike was chosen to fill the absence. When you hear Joel’s original idea, you will no longer think of him as a comedic genius. But that story is for later. This begat a war amongst fans that raged for years. Known to all as the Joel/Mike wars, fans constantly bickered on the internet about who they felt was the true host. There were those who thought Joel was the one and only and anyone else was just an imitation, and there were those who thought the show became even better when Mike took over. It was the first online flame war. Eventually the fighting quelled. But not without its fair share of casualties. A lot of people died during that war (you know, cause it went on for a while and statistically a lot of humans die between any two periods of time).

I don’t like this episode as much as others do. I think the film is just too grim. But all episodes have their highpoints. The beginning scenes in the operating room are the best. I love when Doctor Doom’s dad takes off his operating mask. Mike proves himself in the theater when he quips “Hey, you’re not my dad. You’re Hitler!” That guy really did look like Hitler. Must have been hard for him going through life looking like that. So hard that he tells his son “You shouldn’t experiment unless you know the results.” To which Crow brilliantly retorts, “Then they’re not experiments.” Thank you Crow for saying what I was thinking. There are these constant quick cuts to close up shots of Dr. Feelbad. Every time it happens, Crow or Tom bring the riff “Help I’m in another dimension!” That one was a funny one. Probably what saved the last 1/4th of the episode.

The brilliance of MST3K often comes in the form of their obscure references. Case in point, when someone mentions Jan’s “Powers”, I believe it was Servo who riffs, “I hope it’s not The Powers of Matthew Star.” The Powers of Matthew Star was a short-lived 1980s sci-fi series starring Peter Barton and Louis Gossett Jr about a prince from another planet, fleeing to earth and surviving amongst the populous as a normal highschooler. I can’t imagine most people are familiar with the show. The only reason I know about it is because my Japanese teacher told me it was one of the shows she watched to help her learn English. Genius writing to come up with that kind of riff. I would never think to make that joke or reference, and I don’t know of anyone else who would.

You’d think the sketches would be stronger but they aren’t. They're mostly expositional. The opener is probably the best one with the bots training Mike by running him through some other bad movies. Servo notes that “today’s experiment is going to make Beast of Yucca Flats look like a Cakewalk.” Uhh… no. Beast of Yucca Flats is far worse than The Brain that Wouldn’t Die (And probably worse than 96% of films featured on MST3K). Mary Jo Pehl appears for the first time as Jan in the Pan. She’ll come back later a few times in season six.

This episode doesn’t really get me going. As much as I love depressing MST3K movies, this one just doesn’t cut the mustard. It’s a depressing movie disguised as a sci-fi film. I prefer something like The Skydivers which is just depressing through and through (More on that later). I really can’t give this episode high marks despite its importance in the show’s run. Frankly I’m curious what the reaction fans had to this episode when it was first aired in 1993.

What do you think? Did you enjoy Mike’s first outing as host? Do you think a different film should have started off his tenure? Are you also wondering how the “neck juice” keeping Jan in the Pan alive allowed her to still breathe and talk despite not having lungs? Let me know what you think.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. The next episode I will be watching is the previously mentioned Cave Dwellers. The’ll be plenty of Miles O’Keeffe talk and discussions of Film Ventures International. Till then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

12 Down 164 to go.

Experiment #11

Episode 622: Angels Revenge

Rewatch Date: March 18th 2023

This can work. Women can make a difference.

In one of the many trips to my friend D.J.’s house during my tweenage years, he showed me this episode. I remember it well. He had rented the DVD from the library and showed it to me in the brightly lit rec room at his house. Finally, I got to see a Mike episode from the Comedy Central era. D.J. told me ahead of time that it was a good one and that it was essentially a Gilligan’s Island reunion. This episode does not disappoint.

Angels Revenge (AKA “Angel’s Brigade,” AKA “7 From Heaven”) is a 1979 film directed by the great Greydon Clark. Seven women of different backgrounds team up in an attempt to thwart the evils of a drug kingpin. The ladies manage to steal a load of drugs, blow up a compound and kill the drug lord and all of his flunkies. They win the day and save the youth of a surprisingly nice part of L.A. This is the second movie in a row I’ve watched where a badass woman (in this case multiple women) saves the day and manages to kill a bunch of evil guys with wits and charm. Silly women [laughs] It’s so cute how they think they can make a difference. But, that’s why it’s fantasy. Nice try, ladies. Calm down, I’m just joking. I hate that I have do a disclaimer to be funny and not have someone think I’m a misogynist.

Despite the fact that that Angels Revenge is about female empowerment, all the women cast members get relegated to “co-starring”. Jack Palance gets top billing as flunky Mike. Other cast members who get higher billing include Peter Lawford (who plays the drug kingpin,) Darby Hinton (who was the kid from Daniel Boone,) Alan Hale (who’s only in the movie for about four minutes), Jim Backus (who must have needed the money,) Pat Buttram (who somehow comes off more dignified than Backus does,) Neville Brand (who is completely removed the Mystery Science Theater version of the film,) and Arthur Godfrey (who makes a rare MST3K appearance as a person playing themselves.)

This was one of the early Rhino VHS releases. I have this episode on videotape. For some reason, this one has never been popular. Having watched it on this recent go-around, I think I understand why. The movie does have several scenes that clearly were meant to be comedic. The comedy doesn’t really land, but even still, most MST3K fans don’t like episodes where the movie is trying to be funny. That said, I love this episode. I’m super glad it was released as early as it was. After I watched it at my friend DJ’s house, I had to wait another two years before I could see it again (remember, the only way for me to watch these at the time was through official releases.) When I finally got a VHS copy of the episode, I was in heaven.

Speaking of heaven, this movie has some cool songs in it. Patty Foley sings two of them. Whatever happened to Patty? The enigmatic "Shine Your Love" and the sultry "Heaven Sent". I’ve certainly buffed my love, but I don’t think I’ve ever shined my love. I actually think Heaven Sent is a nifty song. There was a montage set to the song with the women training to beat up the bad guys. The scene was not used in the MST3K version. It’s clear they had to cut a significant portion from the film. If I remember correctly, Greydon Clark didn’t like that. But he did enjoy some of the riffing and said he wished all of his films would get used on the show. Glad Mr. Clark is a good sport. Though in my humble opinion, I don’t think Joysticks would make for good riffing. But I’ve been wrong before. Future Academy Award Nominee Dean Cundey was the director of photography for this film. And you can really see how his work here influenced Apollo 13. Also, after co-staring in this film as members of the 7, Sisters Liza and Robin Greer went on to co-write a tell-all book about their time as sex workers in Hollywood.

There are a lot of jokes about this 1970s in this MST3K cut. It’s almost like watching an episode of I Love the 70s. Fortunately, I do love the 70s, and thus the riffing in this one was fun. Favorite jokes include Mike’s “I hope Grant Goodeve is in this,” Servo’s “Cheryl Ladd is woefully miscast in 'The Wilma Rudolph Story',” and Crow’s “Freddy Fender!” There's also, “The phone committed suicide!” I love the end credits where Mike and the bots try to figure out the 1970s. “I think It something to do with either England Dan or John Ford Coley.” “I think Robert Stigwood had a hand it its creation” (that’s an obscure reference.) “Isn’t 'Can’t Stop the Music' starring The Village People somehow related to this?” (For the record, I would never diminish the importance of Nancy Walker.)

My big question for this movie: there’s the scene where the seven Angels all vote to see whether they should kill Darby Hinton’s character. They have an anonymous vote using bullets (“I prefer the thumb voting.”) Six of them vote to let him go and one of them votes to kill him. Who cast the vote to kill? We never find out who it was. I feel that’s a detail that needed to have more light shown on it, but no. Maybe it was Trish, the youngest member. “She rejected me. I’m gonna go use drugs.” Guess murder is her anti-drug. Also, I never did drugs. So, I can’t really relate (Just Say ‘No.’). But I didn't know Cocaine use was so prevalent amongst upper class 12 year-olds from Sherman Oaks.

Two of my favorite riffs for this movie aren’t even in the episode. One comes from my dad and the other from my friend D.J. After a kid steels Darby Hinton’s stash of drugs at the beginning, Hinton and Palance track him down and beat the crap out of him. I remember saying to the effect of “That’s bad.” Dad quipped, “You’re right. He should have paid for his drugs like everyone else.” And when Schoolteacher April tells the girls that “word has been going around the school that a new shipment of drugs is already on its way,” DJ made the great observation, “How is word of that going around the school? Did the principal make an announcement? ‘Students, a new shipment of drugs will be here sometime tomorrow.’” Dad was funny and so was DJ. I miss them both.

The sketches in this one aren’t great. Crow has Ambrosia, Mike and the bots turn into Renegade, Aaron Spelling’s house stops by, Shamometer. All kinda meh. I remember DJ and I enjoying Crow and Servo blowing up Mike for his Fonz impression. Still hoping Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk does get made someday. And it is creepy how much Frank and Dr. Forrester are able to embody tennis stars Bobby Riggs and Billie Jean King. Look at Trace’s right leg during that sketch. He nails the female tennis player stance.

I just realized that the title of “Angels Revenge” isn’t grammatically correct since Angels uses the plural “S” and not the possessive. I like this episode. I get why some don’t. But Angels Revenge brings back so many positive memories, that it overrides any negatives I could find.

But what are your thoughts on this episode? Why do you think most don’t like this episode (or why you don’t like it, if that’s the case.) Who do you think cast that vote to kill the pusher? How exactly does one go about “Shining Their Love”? Leave a comment below and let me know.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. The next episode I saw after this one was Pod People. But because that’s my favorite ep, I’m holding off on it til later. This will be one of the few aforementioned liberties. Next week’s episode will be Mike’s first episode at bat: The Brain that Wouldn’t Die (Or “Head That Wouldn’t Die”. Take your pick). Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

11 down, 165 to go.

Experiment #10

Episode 511: Gunslinger

Rewatch Date: March 11th 2023

Who in the world could stand up to that woman? Try me.

Volume 6 only has three full episodes on it. Disc Three is a Shorts collection which don’t count as part of this experiment, so I won’t be rewatching that. When I first got this box set back in 2005 however, I watched that disc shortly before watching the last episode on the set. Roger Corman’s attempt at a western: Gunslinger. Not to be confused with “Guns Linger”, which I imagine is some sort of firearm lobbying group.

It’s the Oooold West. The incredibly sexy Beverly Garland plays Rose Hood, the wife of the town marshal. William Shallert (Patti Duke’s dad) plays the marshal in question. The two seem happy and in love. This is shattered when Rose bears witness to her husband’s murder. She’s able to track down and take out the killers, but then quickly realizes there is a darker motive behind the slaying. Rather than wait for a new marshal to arrive, Rose becomes marshal (Girl power of the Old West!) As this happens, a wanted criminal played by John Ireland, arrives in town to settle some scores whilst going back and forth between good and evil. Allison Hayes plays Erica, the owner of the local tavern. It eventually becomes clear to all that she’s behind the killings. A shootout ensues and pretty much the whole town is left dead. Except for Rose, who rides out of town feebly whilst the new marshal rides into town. I imagine that job would be a lot easier with everyone in the town being dead and all.

This movie was made in 1956 and is set in 1878. Roger Corman made this movie during his independent days. He had an amazing group of actors who were willing to take part in his sub-par films. He must be a fun guy to work for considering most of his movies are terrible. That opening shot where the two murderous outlaws are waiting by the building on their horses next to the marshal’s office says it all. They’re clearly waiting for a cue to move. “*sigh* Corman!” Crow at one point jokes “So, Corman made Swamp Diamonds on Monday, and then made this on Thursday?” Apparently, that’s not far from the truth. Allison Hayes broke either her arm or her leg during the filming of a horse scene. After that, she wanted off the film and was quoted as saying “Who do have to (engage in a sex act with) to get out of this movie?”

I do not like this episode. I’d say the first and last 10 minutes are really good, but there isn’t a whole lot to work with in the middle. I’ve never been a huge fan of Westerns, which is probably the cause for this. I lost focus at least 3 times during this latest re-watch.

There are some good runners though. I completely forgot about the fact that the room Cane (John Ireland’s character) is staying in has a door that opens outward. Joel and the Bots correctly point out that his room is actually the hallway. They also note that a lot of stuff hadn’t been invented back in old western times (bar sliding, combines, ignorance defenses, prereferral vision, etc.) There’s also an interesting runner regarding this weird leather thing hanging on the door of the marshal’s office. Crow remarks that it’s a leather toilet seat. That was a good riff. Also an “I thought you were Dale” riff makes it’s way in. It’s one of the few outside Season 8.

A friend of mine pointed something out to me recently that kind of pulled some of the shine off Best Brains. Through the whole movie they keep joking about the sign outside the law office. The sign reads “MARSHAL”. Anytime it shows up, Joel or one of the bots remarks that it’s “missing an ‘L’”. But that’s not correct. When you are referring to a officer of the law, the correct spelling is “marshal”. You would only use “Marshall" if you were referring to a person’s name. Since no one in the film is named that, it doesn’t make sense. The writers room must really have been asleep at the wheel.

Another reason for this slipup may have been that fact that this was Joel’s penultimate episode as host before his departure. You can kind of feel a tension with this episode’s sketches that aren’t in most the other Season 5 episodes. There’s some tapes that got leaked a while back featuring dress rehearsals of this episode’s host segments. I haven’t watched them in a while, but If I remember correctly, there was a real sense of malaise hanging over the cast and crew.

I enjoy Tom being turned into KABOOM! by Milton Bradley. I tried making that same game out of a bike pump. It didn’t work. I also enjoyed The Scanner Planner invention. If I could have one superpower, it would be the ability to scan people’s brains and make their heads explode. Just like the secret sect of telepaths in the David Cronenberg film, Scanners. So thank you Dr. F for giving me the planning guide to achieve this dream.

At one point during the movie, Beverly Garland is tailing John Ireland. Somehow Ireland is able to walk into the attorney’s office and then suddenly appear on his horse in the street. How can this be? Servo offers this theory. Maybe the John Ireland we see entering the office is merely an illusion of the universe’s vortex caused by a quantum superposition enabling Ireland to break free of the constraints of space and time, thus allowing him to seemly move at lightspeed. Or maybe Crow was right thinking that the building was just a false front and he just ran over there really fast. Decide for yourself. Personally I’m buying Servo’s explanation. Time is not linear after all (brilliant sketch.)

I do not like this episode. It’s not one I revisit often. I enjoy the nostalgia, remembering when I was younger and when this was one of few episodes I had access to. But, I just don’t find it a fun rewatch.  I think I can sum up my mood with my favorite riff from this episode. As the new marshal rides into town, Servo brilliantly quips in the marshal’s voice, “Uh excuse me miss, which way did you say the… AHH, OH MY GOD!” in a horrified tone. That is basically how I felt when this episode was over.

But, what do you think? Do you enjoy this episode? Do you sense the tension in some of the sketches? Do you think that parallel universe merge theory may also be at play in regards to John Ireland’s lightspeed movements? Leave a comment and let me know.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, I will be watching the first Comedy Central Mike episode I ever saw. It will remain a mystery til then. But I will give the clue: Sticks. Do you know the episode? Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

10 down, 166 to go.

Experiment #9

Episode 404: Teenagers from Outer Space

Rewatch Date: March 4th 2023

When we return to our planet the High Court may well sentence you to TOTCHA!

The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide has my favorite movie description joke of all time for this episode. “Suspiciously middle-aged teenagers from outer space” come to Earth to populate our planet with “Gorgons.” The “teenagers” are fully aware that the Gorgons will surely kill all life on Earth. But, one of the “teenagers” realizes the cruelty of his race. So, he turns on his commander and runs into the arms of Betty and Gramps. The two take him in with free room and board (like that could ever happen). Our “teenage” hero, Derek, knows that he is being pursued by Thor, another “teenager” who doesn’t have the same compassion for life that he has. So, Derek and Betty are on the run. It becomes sort of like Renegade with ray guns for about 40 minutes.

Teenagers from Outer Space is one of those legendarily bad movies. It gets constant mention in Golden Turkey, Psychotronic Film Guide, "worst-of" and a billion other similar lists. The movie quickly fell into the public domain so it received frequent television play. It was directed by Tom Graeff. For years it was believed that Graeff played “teenager” Derek. But in actuality, the character was played by David Love. In real life, Love and Graeff were lovers (though if they got married, they’d be “Loves".) There’s apparently a lot of backstories regarding Graeff and his eccentricities. The only one I remember off hand is that he took an ad out in one of the California newspapers claiming he was the second coming of Christ. I would think that when the Messiah does return to Earth, he wouldn’t have to resort to taking out newspaper ads to get his message across. David Love fell into the “Where are they now” group. Someone was making a biopic about Graeff and the making of this movie. Wonder whatever happened to that?

I’m gonna change things up and talk about the sketches first for this write up. There’s one really good sketch and the rest are just kind of cute at best. The invention exchange stands out for two reasons. I went to a private academy for my high school and I can assure you that it smelled no different than a regular high school. Resusci-Anne is creepy looking and I am glad that Dr. Forrester’s predictions of a “90s ventriloquism boom” did not come to fruition (I think Jerry Mahoney killed that dream.) The best sketch, and probably one of the funniest they ever did, was “Reel to Real.” This movie’s main character is offered free room and board by a beautiful young woman and her kindly grandfather, whom he has never met before. Yeah, right. Joel and the bots are spot on with their views comparing the “reel life” depicted in this film vs. the “real life” you will actually experience. In reality, your roommate is going to be a lice-riddled, high school dropout with her/his butane-addicted grandfather sifting through your underwear drawer before he kicks you out for being one day late on your rent and forces you to live in the cardboard motel in some dank back alley. That sketch kills me every time.

The riffing in this episode is good too. I didn’t have any gut busting moments but I certainly enjoyed the ride. The scene where Betty’s friend is getting out of the pool before Thor kills her with his ray gun has the brilliant riff “Ah, too much chlorine will do that.” Don’t know why but I was especially tickled by the “I’m a friend of Sarah Conner. Can you take me to her?” riff. I know they’ve done that Terminator riff before but for some reason it really hit me this time. I also love Servo’s runner. Anytime a car pulls up, Servo muffles something to the effect of “Please get me out!,” insinuating of course that the driver of the car has locked someone in the trunk for nefarious purposes. When I write it here it sounds creepy, but I can assure you that Servo makes it fun.

One thing I’m ashamed to admit. Joel’s riff where he sings Henry Gross’ “Shannon” was something that stuck in my mind. I would sing the riff out loud in my falsetto when I thought no one was around. I remember singing it whilst walking into the breakroom in my high school. I incorrectly believed no one was in there at the time. But, as I turned the corner, I saw two of my fellow students bemused by my singing. One of them was cool guy: Joe Joe. As I stopped singing, he threw out the great line “Well that sure was something.” I was so embarrassed.

Joe Joe later went on to work on a Maine boat as a lobster fisherman. How appropriate considering the “Gorgons” that the aliens try to bring to Earth are merely lobsters superimposed to look giant. I love the taste of lobster. I can understand why the “teenagers” would want to breed these creatures for food. The leader of the “teenagers” is played by King Moody. He was Starker on the 1960s spy comedy, Get Smart. He was also the first actor to officially portray Ronald McDonald in a commercial. Willard Scott played a clown named Ronald, but Moody was the man who truly brought life to the beloved fast-food icon we know today. Joel and the Bots don’t make reference to either of these anecdotes. This makes me sad. They do give another great wordplay joke that makes up for it. When Derek throws a large stone at the Gorgon, Crow chimes in with “Hey, it’s a rocked lobster!” Listen to Rock Lobster by the B52s. You will not be disappointed.

Teenagers from Outer Space enters the pantheon of good, classic MST3K. It’s not a gut buster, but again I do enjoy it. Partly because it’s funny, but also because I actually get invested in the story of the movie. Certainly not as good as “Manos”, but definitely better than Giant Leeches. This episode gets my seal of approval.

What are your thoughts on this episode? Do you think the riffing was good in this one? Do you get invested in Derek’s plight like I do? Have you ever made yourself look like an idiot by accidently singing in a falsetto in front of the coolest person in the class? Comment below and let me know your thoughts.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, I will be watching the lovely Beverly Garland play a sharpshooter in Gunslinger. The second to last episode before Joel’s departure.

Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

9 down, 167 to go.

Experiment #8

Episode 406: Attack of the Giant Leeches

Rewatch Date: February 25, 2023

Whatever killed them is still in that lake and it’s gonna take more than dynamite to get it out.

After Christmas 2004 and into New Year’s 2005, I saved all my Christmas money and decided to buy another Mystery Science Theater 3000 box set. I really wanted to get Volume 2 for some reason, but the coupon I had wasn’t valid. I remember being really immature and my mother scolding me. But we continued our day and ended up at Best Buy where the sets were slightly less expensive. So, I bought the most recent set at that time which was Volume 6. It only had 3 full episodes plus a shorts collection. All the episodes were Joel episodes. I was kind of hoping for a Mike episode just so I could see the Comedy Central Era of Mike’s tenure. But that will have to wait a while. Until then, I had to settle for Attack of the Giant Leeches.

Attack of the Giant Leeches is a 1958 (or 1959) monster movie, set in the deep, deep south. Yvette Vickers plays Liz. Liz is married to Dan (Bruno Vesota.) Dan runs the local store where all the, let’s say, “backwoods” types hang out. Everybody knows that Liz is cheating on Dan with his friend, Cal. Dan however is oblivious. When he finds out, he chases his friend and wife through the murky wooded swamp. They beg for their lives. Right as Dan Is about to let them live, the duo are attacked and taken by giant leeches. The townsfolk don’t believe what Dan saw and have him arrested for murder (this movie doesn’t end well for Dan.) Scientist Steve Benton hears of the attack and investigates. The father of Benton’s love interest suggests throwing dynamite in the water to try to flush the creatures out. Noting that it would kill all life in the swamp, Benton resists, but concedes once victims start surfacing. The leeches are killed via depth charges. This causes them (and pretty much all marine life in the swamp) to float to the surface, and all ends well, I guess.

The Giant Leeches (The “Attack of” was added later) was one of Roger Corman’s many creature features produced with a budget of almost nothing. Roger’s brother, Gene, produced while directorial duties lie with Bernard L Kowalski. Originally on a double bill with Corman’s A Bucket of Blood, Giant Leeches made its way to drive ins before falling into the public domain and ending up as creature feature filler.

This is a very boring movie. I remember thinking it stupid that dynamite was thrown into a swamp. "What idiots would do something that dumb?" Then I remembered my family did that at a lake one year. D’oh. These season 4, public domain movies don’t really do it for me for some reason. Most of Season 4 feels like a slog save for Manos and Monster a Go-Go (Ironic). There’s really nothing to this movie. It’s not good but there isn’t a Torgo or continuity errors to really retain goofy factors. It just exists.

The riffs were fine. My favorite one coming from the scene after the first depth charge is detonated and victims float to the surface. “This is my friend, Bob.” Again, I’m a sucker for cleaver wordplay. But, other than a few cute riffs, there really isn’t much going for this episode theater-wise. The sketches fall into similar status. Holo-clowns doesn’t work unless you’ve seen previous week’s Being from Another Planet. Sleep discussion and super villain discussion are just kind of there. Patches the Leech doesn’t do it for me either. One thing I do enjoy from it though is Frank and Forrester’s dynamic. I do love the “Insty Adolescence kit”. I was an adolescent when I first saw this episode, so much of it rang true. “Danger To Ourselves and Others” is one of the best, forgotten songs from the series.

But the sketch I enjoyed most was the end sketch discussing the leeches. Were they cunning or just typical dumb, murderous monsters? They were smart enough to take hostages, but not smart enough to avoid being caught and killed. They were smart enough to save victims for later exsanguination, but not smart enough to find a better hideout. I never really thought about it until this most recent viewing. The leeches were smarter than your typical movie monster, but not much. Crow theorizes that they were “smarter than a sea turtle but dumber than Danish physicist, Niels Bohr.” Not the scale I would use. I would say they were smarter than turkeys but dumber than Kyle MacLachlan. Joel’s letter from Jeanne (?, Joel's pronunciation is weird) A. Dunn is fun. This is when I realized letter reading was a normal part of the show. She says that she is “59 years old and never written a fan letter” in her scribe. It’s weird to think that today she’s either 90 or no longer of this earth. Guess that’s something that stands out.

Attach of the Giant Leeches’ run time of 62 minutes leaves plenty of room for a short. This week it’s part one of a 1930s serial, Undersea Kingdom. One might assume this to be a movie about an aquarium at a Disney theme park. But, it’s actually about a football player/naval officer who is enlisted by some scientists to voyage under the sea and find the source of some mysterious earthquakes. Our hero’s name is Crash Corrigan. Crash Corrigan was played by… Crash Corrigan. It’s weird how that works out. Whilst underwater, Crash and his crew are shocked to see a previously undiscovered, undersea kingdom. The kingdom is run by your typical eccentric tyrant hellbent on conquering the surface and forcing its dwellers to be his minions. It ends on a cliffhanger as all these serials do. It would be a while before I would see part two. It’s weird to think this was made almost 90 years ago. It’s nice that these kinds of shows survive. The production scale is impressive. After the second part, the show never riffed the other 10 episodes in the series. I think they discovered that educational films were better suited for riffing. Best riffs are when Crash is wrestling. “Good thing this place is built like a jungle gym”. Oh, and before I forget “HURRY DIANE!”

I don’t like this episode. I don’t hate it either. It just kinds of exists. If anyone can explain the appeal of these giant insect movies (leeches aren’t insects, but you know what I mean) please let me know your reasoning. You aren’t wrong for liking it. I just don’t understand why.

What are your thoughts? Do you enjoy these public domain movies? Do you think the leeches were smart? Has your father-in law ever disagreed with you and then tried to blow up a swamp? Let me know in the comments below.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, I will be watching (suspiciously middle-aged) Teenagers from Outer Space. I think I’ll have more to work with in my write up for that ep. Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

8 Down, 168 to go

Experiment #7

Episode 1002: Girl in Gold Boots

Rewatch Date: February 18, 2023

Somebody better be here tomorrow, or you won’t be working in this town again…Baby!

I saved Girl in Gold Boots last from Volume 4 of the MST3K DVD collection. It had a bikini-clad dancer on the cover so I assumed it was something that might raise eyebrows. I was right. It was an interesting ender. A solid season 10 episode.

An invitation into the wacky world of Ted V. Mikels, Girl in Gold Boots is a 1969 musical-movie. It details the troubled lives of three people. Michelle works at the local EAT with her drunken, abusive father. One day, a drifter named Buzz enters her life. He promises to whisk her away from her dreary diner life to Los Angeles, and help her get a career as a dancer. Along the way, they meet another drifter named Critter. Critter is a guitar player hoping to make his way in the world. But he has a secret: he’s a deserter. The trio arrive in LA at The Haunted House lounge where they meet Buzz’s sister, Jodie. Jodie is the main dancer who wears the titular Go-owld Boots. Jodie promises Michelle work at club. But things quickly devolve as Michelle is exposed to the seamy underbelly of L.A. (I’m as shocked as you are that Hollywood has such a scene.) Buzz and the club owners get involved in LSD trafficking, Michelle goes to one of those wild L.A. parties and tries some of that wacky tobacky and Jodie has a bad reaction to the drugs she’s using. Reformed draft-dodger Critter saves the day and learns the joys of fighting in a senseless war.

Girl In Gold Boots is one of the few non-science fiction movies featured during the Sci-Fi channel era (I think Final Justice is the only other one.) It was directed by Ted V. Mikels. Mikels is famous for his exploitation films. I’m not sure what message he was trying to get across with this film. Should I give up my songwriting dreams, quit my janitorial job and go to Vietnam? I read an article in SCREEM Magazine where Mikels was interviewed and asked about MST3K. I’m not allowed to read the magazine because it violates the rules of my experiment. But, if I recall correctly, he really enjoyed the MST3K treatment. Though I’m told the actress who played Jodie did not enjoy the MST3K treatment and the mocking of her “I had a pretty mind!” speech. I can understand that.

This is the kind of drive-in movie you drag your late 1960s girlfriend to, but only because you have a car and she doesn’t want to deal with family that night. You see the opening shot with all of the go-go dancers thinking you’re in for an erotic treat. But after that, you quickly realize that the movie isn’t going to have the number of girls in bikinis as you would want. Then, you just make out with your girlfriend until the next scene with dancing in it begins (assuming she hasn’t gotten out of the car and shacked up with the football player in the next spot over.)

This episode has some great riffs. When we first meet Critter, he asks for “ten Hershey bars.” Crow brilliantly chimes in with “Tin Hershey bars! Won’t those be hard to eat?” Critter also has with him some Nepalese currency, “From the land of ‘Nipple’!” I love clever wordplay and those are two of the best instances in history. Buzz robs a gas station (poorly) and reads about his crime the next day in the newspaper. He’s excited to see that his robbery has made the front page. “Yeah, Front Page of the LA Times: ’$40 Robbery, No One Seriously Injured’.” Don’t be too harsh on him though. As Pat McCormick’s less successful brother notes, he is “just a boy”. Despite his boydom, Buzz does have some talents. Like randomly teleporting into restaurant booths. Fun fact about the teleportation scene: It only occurs in the Peter Rodgers copy of the film. If you watch/buy any of the other versions available on home video, it shows Buzz clearly standing up and walking to the table. Also, he’s an icky elf.

The sketches in this one aren’t all winners. I love the sketch with Crow’s “What Would Buffy Sainte-Marie Do” bracelet (Marry Jack Nitzsche, I assume.) Mike’s “I am Sad” song is a classic. The rest of the sketches aren’t very good. This episode is infamous for introducing the short-lived, Sci-Fi Channel-mandated “Institute of Mad Science” subplot. It only lasts 4 episodes. Once the show was cancelled, I don’t think Best Brains felt the desire to keep up with a plot they didn’t want. It does have two lines I love to quote, “Shut up and die, fathead” and “Not even fit for a guest spot on ‘Beakman’s World.’”

When I first saw this episode as a 13-year-old, I didn’t enjoy it. Then, I rewatched it a few months later and was on the floor. My friend DJ would quote this episode all the time. I don’t know why, but I think my mom would like this episode. I’m grateful for Girl in Gold Boots. It’s a fun episode. This latest rewatch really helped me feel better about my day. Thanks, non-acquaintance movie who inexplicably gave me a ride in your dune buggy!

What are your thoughts on this episode? Were you worried that young boy was in too far over his head? Did you ever have someone pour beer on your motorcycle? Has a giant, silent, omnipotent woman ever inspired you to write a song? Let me know in the comments below.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each episode for the first time (with 3 or 4 liberties taken). I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, I will be watching the 8th MST3K episode I ever saw. It will remain a secret til then. The clue I will give is ‘Corman’. Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

7 Down, 169 to go

Experiment #6

Episode 822: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

Rewatch Date: February 11, 2023

You must remember this, A kiss is just a kiss…

This is one of the better movies featured on MST3K, which makes it hard to talk about. Casablanca is a 1939 film starring Humphrey Bogart as Rick. Rick is the owner of a club in Morocco where disillusioned foreigners often find themselves. Ingrid Bergman plays Elsa, a young woman who becomes caught between two lovers. She isn’t sure whether to stay with Rick, or… wait. Something isn't right. Oh, I must have scrolled up the wrong cinema. Let me reconst up the correct one.

At least I’m not an anteater...

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank is an episode I remember well. I watched it sometime before New Year’s, 2004-2005. I don’t remember the first time all that well. But, the second time I watched it, I was at my friend D.J.’s house. We were in his rec room. It was a giant open space that was insanely bright white and had toys strung all about the floor. We busted up constantly throughout. Most of the times I went to his house, we would watch an episode in this room. Oh, how those memories come back to me.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank is a 1984 film made by New York’s WNET PBS affiliate. It stars the late Raul Julia as Aram Fingal. Fingal lives in an Orwellian future where he works a low paying, data entry position. He figures out a way to scroll up cinemas at his desk and gets in trouble for doing so. He is forced to do compulsory rehab at Nirvana Village. His treatment involves “Doppling” his brain into the mind of Daisy the Baboon. But, something goes horribly wrong. Techs trap Fingal’s mind in the HX368 computer which controls weather and climate. Apalonia James, played by late writer Linda Griffiths, synths herself into the computer to connect with Fingal. The two become romantically entangled as Fingal turns his virtual, insane reality into the world of his favorite cinema, Casablanca. There, he goes to “The Place” which is owned by Rick, who in and of himself is Fingal’s doppelganger alter ego. The two strike up what seems like “the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” But this fantasy may not last as Fingal’s cube time is running out. If he doesn’t get back in his body before then, his mind will cease to exist. This would be a lot easier if it weren’t for the Big Brother-type character known interchangeably as The Chairman/Fatman. He worries that Fingal and James may ruin his company and his hold on the world. To prevent this, Chairman/Fatman connects his mind into Fingal’s world with the hopes of destroying him before that happens.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (which shall henceforth be known as “Overdrawn” for the rest of this blog) was based on a short story written by prolific science fiction writer John Varley. It is shot entirely on videotape which leads to some cheesy, 1980s computer graphics. It was also shot on location in Toronto, which causes the future to stress many long “OO” sounds. It was first shown on PBS channels around the country before being sold to Sci-Fi Channel. I’ve actually seen Sci-Fi Channel promos for the un-riffed version of this film. Wonder what kind of viewership it garnered in that form. Also, Maury Chaykin has a minor role in this film. Odd.

Overdrawn is not a beloved episode. It often marks low on MST3K fan’s favorite episode lists. Many don’t like the videotaped look of the film. I personally love and miss that look. Digital doesn’t hold a candle to video. A lot don’t care for it. What’s your problem? Are you one of those lousy anteaters?!

A lot of people I think have a hard time with this film because Raul Julia had died tragically young just 3 years prior to the making of this episode. Maybe I’m just mean but it never bothered me. But I understand if someone may feel that way. I get the feeling there was a lot of laughter at the ridiculousness of this film when it was made. That said, this episode ended season 8 of MST3K’s first season on its new network home. I think it was a great note to go out on.

The riffing in this one is pretty darn good. I’ve seen this episode a lot and so many of the riffs and runners stand out in my mind. When Fingal cracks the code of the HX368 computer system, the desk begins to glow with what look like bacteria. Mike launches my favorite riff for this episode: “He cracked the code to Scrubbing Bubbles.” I laughed my butt off at that. There are a lot of jokes at the Fatman’s expense. Normally one might be offended but considering the characters in the film call him “The Fatman”, I think its excusable. “Fingal, draw… me some butter!”

When Fingal first finds himself in his electric prison, he meets James, who is disguised as his deceased mother. He then asks her, “Mom, am I nuts?” But, with Raul Julia’s accent it ends up sounding like “Mom, my nuts.” That is such a weird thing that was left in this film. Why would he phrase it that way? Wouldn’t it make more sense to say something like “Mom, am I GOING nuts or something?” They easily could have ADR’d him to say “Mom, am I crazy?” which would have sounded more normal. Mike and the Bots run with it though.

They also make fun of the bizarre-ness that is this future. Everyone uses terms like “Sytho,” “Flavofibes,” and “Interface.” “I AM INTERFACE” becomes a runner. To my computer programmer friends reading this, what the hell does that mean? Also, if this is a dystopic future where cinemas aren’t publicly discernable, how is it that Aram Fingal has a picture of Humphrey Bogart on the wall of his homepod? “I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH!!!” This is also the movie where I learned that electrons don’t dance or make love. “They’re Lutheran.” But this movie did end up being made. "Watching this movie is kinda like watching Casablanca, while having a small child use your groin as a punching bag." That said, I still “feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers” for its existence.

The biggest runner in this film comes from an early scene. When Fingal is forced to choose an animal to Dopple into, he suggests a stallion, only to be told he can’t afford it. Offhandedly someone informs him that with his budget the best he can afford to be is “an anteater.” What the hell? And, it’s not just a one-off line. There are at least 2 or 3 more references in the film about how terrible being an anteater is. Why does this movie hate anteaters? Did the director have some sort of traumatic childhood experience with one? I hope the Anteater Defamation League of Canada sought legal action against this film at some point. “Man, I hate anteaters!”

This episode brings reminder of Crow’s beloved catchphrase “You know you want me, baby!” I’m sure we all remember that line. I think over the course of the series, “You know you want me, baby!” was said by Crow at least 300 times. I remember going to school and people would constantly be saying “You know you want me, baby!” It took the nation by storm and it’s still used today. I must hear “You know you want me, baby!” 2 or 3 times a week. I thought it was weird when the U.N. started using “You know you want me, baby!” as its slogan. But “You know you want me, baby!” really did help bring the world together.

Other sketches center around Pearl’s desire to conquer public television. Even at age 13 I remember thinking that the look and feel of a pledge drive had been captured perfectly by the show. Pearl and Observer sing the great "When Loving Lover’s Love" song. My friend DJ and I loved that. I remember I used to have one of the microphones that were used during that sketch. Never worked correctly. Does anyone know the name of that model? The monkey sketches have their moments. Apparently InstantMonkeysOnline is or was an actual website. I’ve heard unfavorable things about it.

I love this episode. It never gets the respect it deserves and I think that’s criminal. This, along with several other episodes, are gems that no one seems to talk about. Growing up, I watched a lot of The Red Green Show, so PBS things always stay fresh in my mind. To Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, I applaud your impressiveness as an episode. I’m sorry that we may never see each other again. But we’ll always have Paris. Anyway, I have to go catch my flight now.

Here’s looking at you, film.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each episode for the first time. I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, I will be watching the 7th MST3K episode I ever saw: Girl in Gold Boots. One of the few Non-Science Fiction films of the Sci-Fi era. Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

6 Down, 170 to go

 

Experiment #5

Episode 820: Space Mutiny

Rewatch Date: February 4, 2023

I’m thinking about… the… possible motive.

After the disappointment of Hamlet, later that same Christmas day, I popped in the next MST3K episode on Volume 4: Space Mutiny. This gave me what I like to call a “massive tonal shift” in that I went from one of the worst of the Sci-Fi era, to what many argue is the best of the entire series.

I’m having trouble just writing about this episode as there is so much to analyze and so many great aspects that I know I’m leaving out, but I shall try my best to give you a summary.

Space Mutiny is a 1988 movie set aboard the Galactica. Er… I mean the Southern Sun. Cameron Mitchell plays Lorne Greene as Santa Claus as the commander of the ship. Overpopulation has forced him to search the universe for a planet where his passengers can find a new home. He has a mother, er… I mean daughter named Leah Jansen. Despite being the daughter of the captain, Leah knows how to take care of herself. But, after a crash landing kills her mentor, she finds herself butting heads with new colonist and pilot of the crashed vessel: David Ryder. Ryder is played by Captain America, er… I mean Reb Brown. Ryder becomes stranded on the Southern Sun after space pirates attack him. Turns out, a mutiny is being planned aboard this space colony. Lt. Kalgon (yeah, I know,) played by over-laugher John Phillip Law, refuses to die in space and has made it his sole mission to sabotage the Southern Sun and force Commander Santa to land on ground. Now, David and Leah have to work together to stop Kalgon’s mutiny and save the residents of the Southern Sun.

Space Mutiny was made in South Africa. It was produced by the lovely Hope Holiday and written and directed by David Winters (though some may contest that last part.) The movie is a mishmash of incongruity and ridiculous, almost farcical scenes. Where to begin? The futuristic spaceship seems to have a large septic system basement. You would think it would make the ship a little top heavy. L.T. Lamont is killed early in the film. Shortly after her death, she is shown working at her desk with no apparent explanation. Residents travel the ship in small, electric golf carts that travel about as fast as a beached lobster. Speaking of lobsters, Kalgon's (you don’t know how badly I want to say “Ancient Chinese Secret”) second in command is played by South African character actor Guy Pringle. Yes, a man named after two different brands of potato chips. Also, the Bellarians are there, an all-female cult of psychics who constantly dance sensually whilst rubbing their body parts against novelty plasma globes.

I fully agree with Crow when he says “that a severely impaired box turtle with a very busy schedule” could probably make a better movie with just one camera and a couple free days. How did a movie this crappy get made? Thanks to Hope Holiday, I know the main reason why. Some of which I can explain and some of which I can’t because I would get sued if did. The production was fraught with problems after “director” and uncredited writer, David Winters left the production mid-shooting and returned to the United States. His reason for leaving is contested but what’s not is that most of the film ended up being directed by the Second Unit crew. Hope Holiday will be the first person to tell you the movie is one of the worst ever made. I will be the first to tell you she deserves every cent she ever made on the film and it’s MST3K and Rifftrax appearances.

The riffing in this episode is non-stop. I fear I may miss some of the runners as I try my hardest to remember the amazing on point writing that is the riffing. Pulling back the curtain a little, I don’t do any research before I write these blogs. I don’t take any notes during viewing either. I just watch the episode and regale what I remember. First, I’ll focus on is our hero’s appearance. Reb Brown was, and is, a very muscular actor. Think that one guy on your high school football team whose prowess as an athlete helped him “pass” his AP courses. When Diana Ross said she wanted muscles, I think this was the guy she was singing about. I’m sure Reb Brown is very smart, but his appearance leads to countless jokes about his beefy-ness. “Sometimes I pass out to after a good layup.” The major thing that came out of these muscles was the many nicknames of his character. Slab Bulkhead, Bolt Vandergrif, Flint Ironstag and Big McLargehuge are 4 of the many, many names Mike, Servo and Crow referred to Mr. Brown’s character as. It was memetic before its time. Some may not remember this but at one-point Best Brains, the company that produced MST3K, sold a T-shirt that just listed all these nicknames. I had one of those shirts when I was in high-school. No one got the joke. Few know this runner actually originated in an earlier MST3K episode: 12 to the Moon. We’ll talk about that episode in a year and half or so.

Cisse Cameron played Leah Janesen in the film. She was probably most noted for being a hooker in one of the Porky’s films (don’t know which one, not gonna look it up.) Mrs. Cameron was actually younger than co-star Reb Brown. Despite this, she does have the look of a middle-aged woman. Which leads to runners like her being referred to as Cameron Mitchell’s “mother daughter.” Believe it or not, Ms. Cameron and Mr. Brown had been married to each other for several years prior to the making of Space Mutiny. Last I heard are still happily married. I wonder how they feel about this episode. They were quite harsh on her. If anyone knows, please speak up. I know Reb Brown is very active on social media nowadays, but I’ve never reached out to him. I did track down Continuity’s Bev Wilbrahem, but chickened out of actually writing to her. Not sure if she ever was arrested or not.

Kalgon (again his name is ‘Kalgon’. How did no one thing that was a bad name?) acts through the entire film with forced maniacal laughter and a constipated look that just screams “fiber deficiency.” His diabolical plan consists of detonating explosives in seemingly random places on the spaceship. This seems like a bad idea for several reasons. It’s not clear why he isn’t in the brig or something. Everybody seems to know that he’s evil. Why is he allowed so many under his command? Turns out Kalgon (take me away… oh sorry) has an ally in McPherson. A high level on the ship who aids in the effort to sabotage the ship. He has a limp and is roasted to death at the end of the film.

This movie is hysterical on its own. The props are ridiculous, the acting is ridiculous, the sets look like a high school basement, continuity is terrible and the whole thing fails on almost every level. The MST3K treatment takes this unintentionally funny movie and turns it into a comedic masterpiece. But there is one good thing about this film that I think we can all agree on, "It did have excellent 'Clapping' and 'Loading'."

Before I go any further, did everybody sign Sherry’s Birthday card? Okay, good. We can proceed.

I can’t even begin to recall all the gut busting riffs in this one. My favorite is when McPherson realizes that not everyone under his command supports the mutiny. He states “It would seem that we are not all in agreement,” to which Mike retorts, “I disagree.” The timing is perfect. We get references to Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett, Ed Grimly, Sting, Mark 'Jacko' Jackson (the Aussie rules football player who held the battery over his head,) Debbie Reynolds, Morgan Fairchild, Phil Collins, and God. The one I noticed this time is when Crow states that one of the Belarians is so thin that “she makes Shelley Duvall look like Shirley Hemphill.” Now that joke is for a very specific clientele, yet we all laugh regardless.

The skits in this one are as gold as Crow. The Bots complaining about Mike’s encyclopedias is one of the best of the series. I love all of the antiquated information they cite. Hitler is listed as a stable veteran of the Great War, the lightbulb is a charming theory, Dinosaurs are man’s deadliest foes, Machu Pichu has a mailing address, there’s a volume for the letter Epsilon and mankind has yet to utilize fire to serve it rather than terrorize it with horrifying randomness. But, then Mike ruins it by buying the bots brand new encyclopedias. Thanks Mike. I miss complaining already. My dad loved the railings sketch. Not sure how OSHA would rate the Satellite of Love. Not highly, I would imagine.

This episode holds a special place in my heart for a number of reasons.

1: It’s gut-bustlingly funny.

2: It washed out the bad taste that Hamlet left in my mouth.

3: I remember my friend DJ and I quoting the credits jokes to death.

4: I remember my dad loving this episode.

5: Before this latest rewatch, the last time I watched this episode in 2018, I got some half way through. Never thought I’d be able to say it but MST3K helped me get lucky.

If you are severely dehydrated or have abdominal issues, you’ll want to steer clear of this episode as the laughs it gives may kill you. I have never met a MSTie who didn’t love this episode. If you know of one, please relay them to me so I can pick their brain as to why they don’t enjoy it. This episode is easily at the top of my list of eps I’ve rewatched since the beginning of this year. I don’t’ know if it will stay there, but damn it deserves high marks.

What are your thoughts on this episode? Did you have to call the hospital because the laughter was giving you convulsions? Do you still get mad when people question your knowledge of ancient dentistry? Which of the episode’s many running jokes are you most angry I left out of this writeup (seriously, there’s at least ten more I don’t have time to write about)? Leave a comment below and let me know.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each episode for the first time. I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week, I will be watching the 6th MST3K episode I ever saw. The criminally underrated Overdrawn at the Memory Bank. Which stars the late Raul Julia. I’ll dopple you in next week. Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

5 Down, 171 to go

Experiment #4

Episode 1009: Shakespeare Hamlet: Prinz von Dänemark (A.K.A. Hamlet, A.K.A. German Hamlet)

Rewatch Date: January 28, 2023

Treachery, thy name is Ophelia.

For two months I only had access to two MST3K episodes (plus a Blooper tape.) I would go to Best Buy with my parents every now and then and see Mystery Science Theater 3000 box sets. Retailing for $49.99 each, they were not cheap. But, Christmas was right around the corner and I knew what I would ask for. So, Christmas morning I arose and eagerly awaited the time-honored tradition of unwrapping presents, but father was still asleep. Mother let me open one gift early that morn, I knew which one to go for. The one shaped like a DVD box set. I unwrapped it and found that my parents had purchased for me Mystery Science Theater 3000 Vol 4. I didn’t specifically ask for this volume, just any volume (Six had been released by this point.) I guess this was the one my mom just grabbed. Thanks Mom. Looking at the set I realized I could watch an episode before unwrapping anymore of my gifts. I settled on Hamlet because it looked like the one that would least offend my mother should she walk in while I was watching (I’ll explain the other three in due time.)

I popped in the disc and was surprised to learn this was a Sci-Fi Channel episode. My friend DJ had told me about this era, but this was my first exposure to Bill Corbet Crow and the whole “Pearl Forrester” arc. But I eagerly awaited the beginning of a fresh MST3K episode. I was let down.

Shakespeare Hamlet: Prinz von Dänemark (which for the purposes of this write up will use the un-official title: “Hamlet”) is exactly what says on the tin. It’s a filmed version of Hamlet. Not the version staring Sir Laurence Olivier or Kenneth Branagh, but a dreary, black and white version originally made for German television in the 1960s. If you aren’t familiar with Hamlet, watch Lion King. It’s basically the same thing with a sadder ending. I wasn’t adept at Shakespeare in my teen years. When I was in college, I worked on a stage version of Mid-Summer Night’s Dream and saw Romeo & Juliet. But my Hamlet knowledge isn’t, and certainly wasn’t, the best.

This movie doesn’t have much going for it. It stars a young Maximillian Schell as Hamlet. Plus, a bunch of other German actors who I don’t believe have any significance in the Western world. It’s believed that Claudius was dubbed by Ricardo Montalban and that Polonius was dubbed by John Banner. It’s not outright confirmed, but it sure does sound like the both of them.

Let’s rip the bandage off now and just say that this is not liked by most fans of Mystery Science Theater. On lists, it constantly ranks near the bottom (and thus far is at the bottom of my rewatch list.) My Friend DJ, the one who first showed me MST3K, told me that he fell asleep watching this episode’s DVD menu. It does have some fans. My former MSTieCast co-host, Toby Mobius, ranked this as a favorite because he got to watch it during High School Drama Class. But he is an exception. I myself did not enjoy Hamlet the first time I saw it. It was a marked moment for me as I realized that not all MST3K is made equal. The joke I used to make was, “Season 10 of MST3K is the absolute cream of the crop of episodes. Oh, and Hamlet is there too.”

This is a film that really brings down the comedy. It’s not a worse film than “Manos,” but it is certainly an emptier experience. It was an interesting choice to say the least. Fact I find interesting: This was the most edited movie in the history of MST3K. The uncut version of this film is almost three hours long. Think about that next time you watch. Best Brains had to truncate it down to 78 minutes in order to fit the show’s run time. They have edited movies for time before, but none were ever less than half their original length. Makes you wonder what got cut.

Let me say that German television must have been really void. The set for this looks sparce. If being Danish royalty means living in this castle, then I’ll take a pass. My question is why was this brought to the U.S.? Would 1960s audiences really sit down to watch a 3 hour long, German-made, black and white version of Hamlet? This film was supplied to the show by longstanding favorite, Peter Rodgers Organization. They’re the ones that gave us “Manos.” I’m amazed that their company has made any kind of profit on their library. Good on you PRO.

I was thrown when I saw the intro but I got used to it. I’d never seen a Mike Nelson episode before. I liked Mike the first time I saw him. I thought he had the hapless charm down well. I was also exposed to Pearl Forrester, Observer (aka Brain Guy) and Bobo. They were an interesting choice. Not all enjoyed it. I didn’t mind. They came about because Sci-Fi wanted MST3K to have a Story arc. To quote Kevin Murphy “We don’t need a ‘story arc’. We’re a puppet show. We just need an excuse to tell jokes!”

Sketches are probably what save this otherwise boring ride. I won’t talk about all of them but I will say that I support Servo's, I’m sorry, Sirveaux’s name change. ‘Alas Poor Who’ becomes less funny when you realize that all the celebrities referenced are now dead, but what can you do? I love Crow’s anger in sketch 2: “DON’T ANY OF YOUR RELATIVES EVER DIE!?!” And, that’s how I was introduced to Bill Corbett Crow. Certainly shorter fused than Trace Beaulieu Crow. The Hamlet action figure sketch was something I used to watch over and over. When I was a teen, I wrote down all of the lines and memorized them. “Perchance to DREAM! Aye, there’s the rub.”

All that said, I did enjoy this episode more than I have any other time I’ve (re)watched it. I still stand by my “Season 10…” joke and this is not an episode I would pop in for fun, but I had some laughs. The frustration level with Mike and the Bots makes me giddy. The funniest and most clever joke they make is “Run DMC. Everett Koop”. There’s a reference to Railing kills in the first 4 minutes. This harkens back to the episode that I will cover next week.

Hamlet: Not Great, Watchable, probably still the worst of Season 10.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday, until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each episode for the first time. I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out.

Next week, I will be watching the 5th MST3K episode I ever saw. I went from the worst of Sci-Fi era to what many call the best episode of the show: Space Mutiny. I’ve laughed my rump off to this episode many times and the last time I watched it holds a place in my heart. I can try to explain why next week (Though it will be cleaned up for younger readers). Will David Ryder marry the lovely Leah? Will Pearl and her compatriots escape Roman Times? Will OSHA ever stop by this spaceship and tell them to get their railing standards better? We shall see next week. Til then, thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

4 Down, 172 to go

New Post every Wednesday and Sunday:

Experiment #3

Episode 424 “Manos”: The Hands of Fate

Rewatch Date: January 21, 2023

I aM michAEl, I tAke CAre oF thE plACE wHiLe thE MaSTer is AwAy

“Manos” The Hands of Fate is an episode and movie that have been analyzed to death by so many in the MST3K community. It’s one of the few MST3K movies that somehow transcended the program by virtue of the fact that it was on the show. It is the equivalent of Mando Cane and Psycho and any movie John Waters ever made rolled into a single 69-minute-long moving picture with sound. It has been referred to by many as the worst movie ever made. Of course, the people who think that are either wrong or never saw every MST3K movie. We will get to ones that are truly worse (though none for a while.)

This was the second episode on the MST3K essentials collection. I watched it the day after I watched Santa Clause Conquers the Martians. I remember watching half of it but not being able to finish it due to time limitations. Then I watched part of it the next day before school and the rest after. I was 13 at the time. I don’t know what it says about me but this movie never really phased me. Maybe it was because it was the 3rd episode I ever saw. Maybe it’s because I have a sick mind. Or maybe people are just too sensitive. Whatever, I enjoyed the episode then and I enjoy it now.

If you are an MST3K fan then you already know what the plot of this movie is. Family gets lost and ends up in lodge run by demonic cult.

For those who may not know the history of this film, it was made down in the west Texas town of El Paso by a guy named Harold P. Warren. Warren was not a director or a big shot Hollywood type. He was an insurance salesman who did some community theater and got it into his head that filmmaking was easy. Little did he know. So, he rounded up some people and made the film we know today. The entirety of the movie was shot without sound, overdubbed after the fact. Warren is one of those guys that I wish someone had interviewed about the movie. Maybe there are some newspaper articles from the time. I’m told he thought highly of himself and his acting prowess. Actors were told they would receive part of the gross of the film (which I’m told they did not.) During the first showing of the finished film, audience goers laughed their asses off. I wonder if they had any idea the inanity they were in for. This entire movie looks like B-roll.

We meet the longstanding, beloved and creepy character known as Torgo. A perverted, big kneed, disjointed speech afflicted guy who looks like a Civil War deserter who lived in a forest for nine months. He’s a character everyone does an imitation of. I will not make you suffer though mine. I also agree with Crow’s assessment that he looks like a chainsaw sculpture. I often wonder if the makers of the film knew that Torgo would be the standout character of the film. He gets fourth billing in the film so I can’t imagine. Many MST3K film characters will come, but none shall ascend to the level of Torgo. “Big Knees, Let’s Go with it”. What was the thought process of Torgo having big knees? There’s an erroneous story that states Torgo is supposed to be a satyr, but clearly that is not the case when you realize he’s wearing shoes through the whole film. Torgo was played by John Reynolds: a very talented but sad man who took his life not long after “Manos” was released. My friend Mario found a photo of him in an old high school yearbook. I’m glad he wasn’t around to see the MST3K treatment of him. I’m told he would not have appreciated it.

Correlation to Torgo is his boss: “The Master”. No, not the human character from The Brave Little Toaster. This film’s “Master” is a cult leader who wears a robe and worships a god named “Manos”. Played by Tom Neyman, his daughter Jackey, played the character of little Debbie in the movie. Mr. Neyman was an artist who was doing a lot of artwork that involved hands as a theme. And that’s where the film got its title and its set. I had the honor of Interviewing Jackey Neyman Jones on two separate occasions for a podcast I once hosted. She rocks. She wrote a sequel movie and a book about the making of the film. I need to find a copy. Now that I’ve watched the episode, I can look into the film more.

One thing I’ve always been annoyed by with those who make fun of the movie is the fact that the word “manos” means “hands” in Spanish. So, the joke is that the movie is called "Hands: The Hands of Fate". But in the context of this movie, “Manos” is a proper noun, so you wouldn’t translate it into English anyway. I have similar issue with Operation Double 007 as well but that’s for a later date. If you’re going to make fun of this movie, the title really isn’t something worth laughing at (I actually think it’s a cool title.) Make fun of Future War, that’s a way dumber title.

I don’t feel the need to bring anything else to the “Manos” discussion that hasn’t already been brought. I leave that to the others of the world. All I will say is “Manos”: The Hands of Fate is bad, but watchable.

This episode also contains the first short I bore witness to. “The stirring conclusion to ‘Hired!’” It’s about a doughy, 40s guy who runs a car dealership. All his salesmen suck at their jobs. Luckily, doughy guy’s father is there to remind him the importance of teaching sales techniques to his workers. Who exactly was this film made for? Would they really show this to Chevy store managers. Any advice in the film seems better explained by a manager than a film. Hey! I just realized that’s the whole point of the film. Best riff is the one about “Douglas getting the best sales cause he’s a shapeshifter” also “10 CARS!?”

The riffs somehow salvage an otherwise boring ride. I’ve never seen Manos unriffed (a few seconds here and there but not the whole film.) I’m told that the only reason it is tolerable is because those who watch it just remember the riffs from the episode. I’m sure that’s not true but I can see why many feel that way. I agree with Joel, "every frame of this movie (does) look someone’s last known photograph." Any riffs that sort of comment on the unpleasantness of the film hit home. “So, what are we about half an hour into this movie?” “No, I’m afraid not it’s only been about a minute.” It feels that way at times.

The standout sketch for me is the recreation of the scenic drive. It’s the first example of a sketch I saw where it sort of breaks down half way through. Then becomes a commentary on the breakdown of the sketch. There’s some term for that. I don’t remember it though. The only other standout is Cartuner. Is The Lockhorns still in print?

Mike makes his first appearance as Torgo. He will be back. I love that Torgo’s theme replaces the end credit music for the MST3K episode. I like when shows do that from time to time.

What are your memories of this episode? Do you think “Manos” is the worst movie ever featured on the show? Do you ever wonder what happened to the sheriff and his deputy? Has the will of “Manos” been served? Let me and those who read know what you think.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each episode for the first time. I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week I watch the fourth episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 I ever saw. In actuality, the fourth MST3K related thing I saw was the Poopie blooper tape on the "Manos" Disc and not long after Mystery Science Theater 3000 the Movie. But they aren’t episodes, so I will be skipping them. I’m going to leave it a mystery til next week. You will find out then. The only clues I will give are that it’s a Mike Nelson episode and it’s from the Sci-Fi Era. Thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

3 Down 173 to go.

MST3K Rewatch Experiment Week #2

Episode 321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Rewatch Date: January 14, 2023

You Spell it S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S, Hooray for Santy Claus!

Hope everybody is having a Merry Christmas. Listen as I regale you with this Christmas Fable.

After seeing MST3K for the first time, I was hooked. I told everyone I knew about this hilarious show that I watched. I needed more. Like a crack addict, I had a Jonesing. Only instead of a street drug, I was addicted to a puppet show. But I had a problem. MST wasn’t airing on television in reruns anymore, we didn’t have internet fast enough to download any episodes (which you shouldn’t do because it’s illegal *wink wink*) and home video releases were expensive for a 13-year-old. One day in October, my mother and I were at Best Buy. There I saw the perfect solution: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Essentials. The two most requested episodes of all time, released together in one set and only for $19.99. Mom bought it for me, and the whole car ride home I eagerly awaited being able to watch the show that had entranced me so. Not unlike a child on Christmas morn. We only had one DVD player and it was in the basement. So, I popped in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and my bloodlust for laughs was satiated.

For the people who do not know, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a 1964 children’s movie produced and distributed by Joseph E Levine who was also the Man who also brought us Hercules, Hercules Unchained and The Graduate (though I prefer the first two). In the movie, the children of mars are depressed and acting like soulless robots, not unlike today’s children. The Martians devise that the best way to bring happiness to the kids is to abduct Santa Claus and bring him to cheer up their barren red planet.

My dad actually saw this movie in a theater when he was a kid. How lucky was he? I’m not being ironic. This movie is great. Yeah it’s not well made, cheesy as hell and has some bad kid actors (one of whom would “win” a Golden Globe one day). But it’s fun. Considering all the dreary crap out there, SCCTM is a breath of fresh air. Give me this movie any day. This movie is in the public domain which meant it was shown on Television all the time round the holidays.

Filmfacts: Droppo Actor, Bill McCutchen (AKA the guy in that one Atari Commercial) won a Tony for his work on Broadway. The actress who played Mrs. Claus was once married to John Carradine and Future low rent “exotic Dancer”/Golden Globe buyer: Pia Zadora would grow up to make her parents regret pushing her into life as an actress.

It makes for great riffing as Joel and the Bots give some humdingers whilst not voiding too far from the childlike atmosphere of the film. References to C. Evertt Coop and Divinyls abound. As a kid I was most impressed with the “Robot that walked from Gilligan’s Island to Hawaii" riff. Crow wears a Rudolph nose throughout the whole episode including the theater segments. It is a movie that some could argue doesn’t lend well because it’s so campy. But unlike something akin to Birdemic, which I personally believe was intentionally made to be bad, I get the feeling the makers of this film were earnest and that’s what makes this movie so perfect for the show. Plus, every show needs a Christmas ep.

The sketches hit well. Though if you didn’t grow up in the Midwest before 2010, I’m sure much of it is lost on you. Crow and Servo looking at Christmas catalogues strung about the floor, sifting through crappy Christmas movies ("The Christmas that Totally Ruled" sounds like it could be a fun watch) and reading Christmas essays. Of course, the sketch that most stands out is Mike Nelson’s epic, Patrick Swayze Christmas. This where I learned that there was a Patrick Swayze and that he had been in something called Roadhouse. When I was in school and brought up Patrick Swayze, everyone mentioned this other movie Dirty Dancing. I didn’t know what that was at the time. But as an adult, I prefer Roadhouse. I loved the Patrick Swayze song so much that after his untimely passing in 2009, I declared December 6th to be “Patrick Swayze Day”. A day where we can all make pottery, shoot up Commies, dress in drag and beat the crap out of the crooked sheriff trying to take over our smalltown s-hole. If there’s a heaven and Patrick Swayze is looking down on us, I hope he takes joy in knowing that his legacy lives on in his films and in a song sung two robots and a guy in a jumpsuit. That said in recent years, A Patrick Swayze Christmas has kind of worn out it’s welcome. MST fans sing it constantly round the holidays. It’s not funny unless it has context.

I went to a Rifftrax Live event where Mike Nelson, Bill Corbet and Kevin Murphy re-riffed the film. It was fun. A moment that stands out for me most is when Santa makes 3 baseball bats, Bill chimes in with “one for every hit the Royals will have this year.” As you can imagine, the riff played quite poorly in the Kansas City theater I was in. But Bill would have to eat his words as 10 months later, the Royals won the Pennant and a year after that they would be world champs. Full circle baby.

A lot of people watch this episode at Christmas. I know I did in 2004. Not because I thought it was appropriate for the holidays. But because it was one of only two MST episodes that I had access to at that time. Santa Clause Conquers the Martians is apex MST3K. easily a classic episode. The riffs, the sketches, the mood it evokes. I can’t think of anything more Christmassy (Though a later episode comes close).

What are your memories of this episode? Do you watch this ‘round Christmas time? Did you first see this in a basement? Do you still want to know whatever happened to the subplot about NASA trying to save Santa? Let me and those who read know what you think.

To remind everybody, this is part of my experiment where I’ll be watching a different MST3K episode, every Saturday until I’ve watched all 176 episodes of the show’s original run in the exact order that I watched each episode for the first time. I will be consuming NO MST3K outside these viewings until this experiment is over. Crazy I know. We shall see what come what may. Will I crack? Will I make it? Will I ever figure out what makes this show so great? Keep reading and find out. Next week I watch the third episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 I ever saw. If you are familiar with your DVD releases then you know that episode is the iconic Manos: The Hands of Fate. I finally get to see that episode my friend showed me the VHS of (you know, the one with the Eskimo). I will save my thoughts til then. Thank you for reading and Keep Circulating the Tapes.

2 Down 174 to go.