u/noturghoulfri3nd

i read so many posts here daily crying about their trauma and suffering at the hands of their Q that they chose to have a child with. Once they have the child and their Q keeps (even physically) abusing them, they just cry and go back repeatedly. My mom had me w my alcoholic father. I’m 26 I’ll never have a career or normal relationship with literally anything in life due to the SEVERE trauma of being raised by alcoholics. its one thing to allow yourself to suffer but how dare you CREATE another life to be ABUSED by your Q with you!!!! ON PURPOSE and not leave. don’t be surprised when your kid is utterly miserable their entire life and hates you deep down for it. you have a choice.

my dad’s been an alcoholic my entire life. my mom was too but not as bad and she quit years ago, so we have a decent relationship. but he’s disgusting. pretty sure he’s shown sexual attraction to me since i was like 12…. last time he slapped my ass was two christmases ago but my mom just glared at me and i walked off in silence to my bf and that was it. he’s drunk asleep rn. its 4pm. he did this yesterday, too. idk how he even keeps his job atp. my moms disabled and also cant drive so he needs to wake up so he can take her to feed my 93 year old grandmother as my mom is her caregiver. happy fathers day.

i don’t know why i’m posting here maybe just because i feel very alone and like a burden. i’ve struggled with almost life long ptsd as well as depression and a mood disorder. i’m also very underweight and never got help for it, because no matter where i went for treatment they insisted i have anorexia. i always tried to explain i cant eat because im sad and its too much work and i dont deserve it. it costs money and other people need food more than i do. they never listened and insisted i have anorexia which just made me sad and scared and made it harder to eat consistently and more importantly, never tackled the root issue.

i actually have made so much progress but 99% of the time i dont feel good about it and instead i still feel as horrible and guilty and like a burden as i always have. i cant work, im disabled from my brain (lol) and im very lucky i get assistance and my mom helps me get stuff from the store as i cant drive. i also have an amazing partner of almost 7 years who is doing well in his career and has shown time and time again he loves to provide for us and be here for me (even though i am a lot….) instills 0% guilt in me ever, but i still feel it daily. im also very lucky to have my own apartment with him, away from my dad and where a lot of my traumas took place.

i learned how to cook last year, and i cook for us a lot now. i take most of the care of our pets and chores unless im in a flare up. i self admitted myself into detox 3 years ago for a crippling benzo addiction supplied by my psychiatrist. i literally had to bring up how i think its a problem to him 5+ times before he took anything seriously at all. like dude im admitting myself, just write me a note… he had me on 3+ 1mg xanax a day at the end after years and years on various benzos. started at 14, detox at 21. fell on alcohol pretty hard after for a couple years but i kicked that finally cuz it just makes the ptsd episodes worse over time…..

and nothings gotten better mentally. even with my life improvements. some days i am ok for most of the day and honestly for the first time in my life i am excited for my future sometimes bcuz of my life w my pets and partner. but every flare up makes me feel just as low as before. im struggling w sh again now that i cant cope w alcohol. and i still cant eat enough. ive done much better but im still underweight. idk where to go from here. i know i need outside help but it feels too late. one bad flare up and im back to romanticizing my death.