u/ntinaaaaaa

Hello everyone and sorry if this is chaotic.

I’m a 22 year old woman who’s been through a lot of stuff and i just don’t think i can take it anymore. I’m so tired. September 2020 my grandpa (mom’s dad) died, then April 2021 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through chemotherapy, radiation and mastectomy and she is free of cancer now. October 2021 my grandma (dad’s mom) died, then January 2023 my dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer and August 2023 he passed away. Through all of this I was told to be the strong one, as i’m an only child and i had to be there for my mom. We developed a strong bond, we’ve always been close, but ever since my dad died i kind of made it my mission to stand by her side. September 2023 i had a surgery because of a fibroadenoma in my right breast, December 2024 had a surgery because of a cyst on my knee. Everything went okay with those. My mom also has diabetes. She suffered depression a year before she had me, because she had lost her previous baby. Then she battled postpartum depression when she had me. Last summer the depression came back from June to September and she was on anti-depressants. I was so sad seeing her in bed all day, doing nothing, barely eating. She lost so much weight. This April, we started seeing some clothes moths around the house, but we didn’t know what they were at the time. We thought they were just coming from outside. Then mid-May i started panicking because we were seeing 6-7 moths everyday and i was BEGGING her to call an exterminator (i hope that’s the correct word), but she was saying that “it’ll pass” and that “we’ll just kill them all eventually”. I told her I wanted to take all of my clothes out of my closets and clean with water and vinegar as I saw suggested online and I can’t even describe to you how she looked at me. Almost disgusted, like I was crazy and over the top. Meanwhile I had exams so my stress was through the roof and the moth infestation made things so much worse for me. I was studying and I was looking around my room to spot a moth. Eventually she help me cleaned my closets after I had a lot of anxiety attacks about the moths never leaving and crying for days. At the same time I started seeing a therapist and was diagnosed with ocd and started cbt therapy. One day I had such a bad anxiety attack about the moths (but more about not being able to do anything about them) that she called an aunt of mine that had the same problem last year and my aunt told her the only way they would be gone was if we had an extermination done. Only then did she realise that this was serious and she called right then and there someone and they came the next day to spray our walls and we also put up pheromone traps. This exam period was so stressful for me, seeing moths fly around every day in my house, my mom, her brother and my grandma (they live downstairs) thinking i’m crazy and overall the stress from the exams caused me to fail 5 out of 8 classes, I got sick 2 times (i haven’t had a fever since 2021 when i had covid), my nose was stuffed, my neck was sore, i developed gingivitis and had to have a thorough professional dental cleaning because I had neglected it for the past 3 years, then we still were seeing moths because the extermination (i may be using the wrong term, correct me if i’m wrong) cannot kill their eggs so there were still some babies flying around. One night i had another anxiety attack about them and I told my mom i’m afraid they might never be gone and i fear that her depression might come back because of the emotional damage and stress this situation has caused us and she said “I fear that too”. Since that day, a month ago, she started slowly declining and sure enough the depression was back. I forgot to mention her psychiatrist for the past 25 years died this February, so she found a new one who put her on antidepressants and told her to be patient for a month until they work. It’s been two weeks. At the start, she was saying that it might be depression but she feels better than last year but like 3 days after that she told me she feels worse than last year. Honestly i’m so over this situation and i feel like i can’t express my emotions because i’m not the one who’s depressed, she is. But she makes me so mad, laying in bed all day, not caring about ANYTHING around the house, I have to do everything and I still have one exam left. Our bathroom ceiling is covered in mold and i’ve recently been seeing some spiders and some other bugs in there and i’m disgusted. A few hours ago I was sitting in my room and ice fell on my head from my air conditioner. Also my computer and mouse stopped working a month ago. I’m so miserable, I want to be constantly out of the house but I can’t move out because i’m in uni and i’m not working right now, might start in September though. I don’t wanna be in this house anymore, everyday I try to study and i’m hearing my uncle SCREAMING his lungs out at my grandma because she has dementia and forgets and he cannot accept it and he thinks she sometimes does things to annoy him, not because she forgot, even though she’s 93 years old. I’m so tired of everything, once a week when I see my therapist i’m feeling better for a while but to be honest these last 2 weeks i’ve been having some suicidal thoughts and I don’t wanna tell her because I know she has to call my relatives and the authorities if I express something like that. My mom and I barely talk because I spend most of the day in my room studying and I don’t wanna see her because I get sad. I’ve told her to also see a psychotherapist multiple times but she doesn’t want to, says she doesn’t have the energy to go out and visit one, that she has learned to cope with the anti depressants. Honestly I know this is a mess, my life is a mess, I feel like every thing bad that could possibly happen has happened, I’ve always been pretty resilient, I’ve always given hope to others, I’m studying psychology for God’s sake yet I sometimes wanna off myself. I’m tired of everything bad happening to me, I’m tired of being in this house, I want to move out and be in control of things but I can’t afford it, I’m tired of being there for everyone else all the time and making their problems my problems while no one cares about me. I have my best friend by my side and my boyfriend of 2 years, and he says he’ll be here whatever happens. We’re planning to maybe move in together in September/October if we can afford it but honestly I’ve been thinking of going to stay with an aunt or a uni friend for a couple of days. We’ve been going camping ever since I was 3 years old and we have a huge tent and hell, i’m thinking of taking it and just going to the woods and staying there. I’m tired, tired, tired. I’m always there for everyone, but I feel like I need to consider my own feelings for once or else I don’t know what will happen to me. I’ve been crying almost every day for the past month. Thing is, no one is taking me that seriously (except my bff and bf) because i’m young and they think because i’m a good human being and a great student that i don’t suffer. I don’t know what i’ve done to deserve all of this stuff happening to me, I don’t know how much longer I can take it.