u/nuggetblaster69

My (F29) husband (M30) and I will be married 8 years next month. We have a two year old daughter.

My husband just seems to hate me so much. Everything I do seems to upset him. I endlessly make mistakes and add so much frustration and inconvenience to his life. I feel like such a failure and like there’s something wrong with me. Like I just am completely incapable of generating or sustaining a loving relationship. I feel totally incapable of pleasing my husband and I think I’ve destroyed our marriage entirely.

I’ve never cheated, never spent money he didn’t know about, always been the breadwinner, supported him through 7 years of college. I manage our finances, pay the bills (he contributes a lot to our mortgage, pays $180 every two weeks for daycare and $200 towards his car payment but I pay the rest) and I cook most nights. I do all of the grocery shopping and home purchasing. I buy and stock all of the diapers and other supplies for our daughter. I’ve always worked full time, I watch our daughter one day a week while I work remotely. My husband works 4 days a week and watches her 2 days a week when he isn’t working. He does do chores around the house and I think he probably does 60% of the kitchen. I do all the laundry except for his, all the floors and bathrooms, and our daughters room. I do the majority of the cooking and my husband usually requests a nightly dessert as well. I do clean the kitchen daily as well.

I paid for all of my husbands college (undergrad and private grad school) and I paid off his first car. I paid 100% of the bills for myself and our daughter for her birth on my own (I would be surprised if my husband knew this. I never hid it but never advertised it. I just setup a payment plan from my checkings and he never asked about the bills) I do try to contribute and pull my weight. That is my intention although I know intention isn’t the same as impact.

My husband says that I’ve destroyed all trust and faith he ever had in me. I keep making small mistakes and they have built up for him over time. For example, today he needed help filling out a W4. He FaceTimed me at work and I couldn’t read the form right and I misunderstood a question and gave him the wrong answer. I told him that before he submitted the W4. But the damage was already done. He couldn’t figure out how to change the answer and said I added to his to-do list and made him look completely incompetent to his new employer because now he’ll have to ask for their help in correcting the form. He made it clear that we’ve been fighting lately because of my actions and inactions and that I’m destroying our relationship. He doesn’t want to talk to me the rest of the day and when I get home I’m to take over care for our daughter and take care of dinner for her and myself while he goes to the basement to be alone.

Another example, when I was pregnant he wanted me to do the genetic testing that was offered. They asked me if I wanted that billed to insurance and I said sure. I didn’t know they’d send a bill for $10k to my insurance and the out of pocket cost was only $250. My husband screamed at me on his knees and said that I should have done research beforehand, I was so careless and incompetent, and I would need to get a second job because he wouldn’t pay a cent towards that bill or allow any money from a shared account to go towards it. My insurance rejected the bill and I only got billed for the $250 in the end. So nothing came of it. But my lack of foresight caused a huge fight.

Another time I started a new job during the winter and my car battery died in the parking garage. My coworker tried to jump start it and couldn’t so they gave me a ride home. Roadside wouldn’t help because it was in a parking garage. So my husband had to drive to my work the next day to jumpstart my car. He was so upset at me, just yelling. He said everyone knew not to park on the bottom level of a parking garage when it was cold and I could have avoided all of this if I had remembered that. But because of how forgetful or ignorant I was, I created a major inconvenience on him and stole time away from his day off by forcing him to come out and jump my car battery.

My family has also been a huge problem in our marriage. Both my brothers have moved in with us at different times, not at the same time. My oldest brother moved in for about a month until he found a new place. My youngest is currently living with us. My dad was killed a few years ago and my mom found a new husband across the country. She moved to him and didn’t want to take my underaged brother. At the time, my husband was very supportive of my brother coming to live with us as he felt my brother didn’t have anyone. But now, he says that I’ve constantly prioritized my family over him and am trying to recreate my childhood home. Which isn’t true at all, my childhood home was miserable and dysfunctional. I’m very confused by this because my husband was onboard with both of them living with us when we discussed it. But now says that I forced it on him. I didn’t feel like I did but maybe I was so eager to take care of them that I ignored my husbands signals. But my husband says he doesn’t trust me so he doesn’t believe it when I say that. He also says I can’t read him and can’t anticipate his needs or when to say or not say something.

If I order food and something is left off of his order, another way I’ve failed him. If I leave the drive thru without checking his bag, another way I’m not attentive and don’t care about his needs. If he asks me to bring down his phone charger and I forget, another way that I don’t care about him. If I cared, I would have remembered. It feels like I’m constantly making these little forgetful mistakes no matter how hard I try. But they’re HUGE mistakes to my husband and all evidence of deep character flaws in me. I cry very easily which makes him very frustrated. He says it derails the entire conversation and seeing me cry does nothing to him emotionally.

It feels like his ideal life would be living in a cabin where he can make sure nothing unexpected ever happens and no one else lives there. Ideally, I think he’d prefer to not know me in anyway. My husband says I’ve made him into an indentured servant and that I refuse to pull my weight around the house or with childcare. On paper, I don’t see how that’s possibly true. But I suppose that doesn’t matter because I can never seem to convince him of that. So maybe he’s right and I’m just in denial to try and protect my self-image.

Growing up, my parents both HATED each other. My dad would accuse my mom of being demon possessed, my mom would destroy my dad’s prized possessions. Days and days of endless yelling arguments. All I wanted was a peaceful relationship where I was loved gently. But I think I’ve caused so much resentment in my husband through my thoughtlessness and general poor performance as a wife that it may be impossible for us. Maybe the best thing I can do is offer him a divorce so he can have freedom and happiness. I don’t think I’m capable of being in a long term relationship that produces joy or happiness in my partner. I just don’t think I have that spark in me. It all just makes me want to run away from myself and wish I was a different person.

My (F29) husband (M30) and I have been married for about 8 years. We met in youth group and church was a huge part of our lives. My husband fell out of church in 2020. He is a healthcare worker and many churches in our area were very anti-COVID. This really turned him away from the church and honestly, I don’t think he’s a Christian anymore. He won’t tell me that, but he tells me that he hasn’t prayed in years, he never has anything positive to say about Christianity, and always has an excuse as to why he can’t attend church if he’s off on a Sunday.

All of that to say, I was originally equally yoked but now I am not. I am trying my best to be a good witness through my behavior but honestly my marriage has been so hard for me, sometimes I feel so emotionally wrung out by him.

He’s very sensitive and emotionally volatile. He’s highly ADHD, his mother is bipolar and his maternal grandmother was institutionalized most of her life. His father was also briefly institutionalized but I don’t know why. Point being, there have been a lot of mental health issues in his family. I didn’t know this until after we married.

Here’s an example of what this can look like. A few months after we got married, my husband took his father to a college football game for a team they loved. It was out of state, my husband booked the room and his father was in charge of printing off the tickets. When they got to the stadium, my father-in-law hadn’t brought the tickets. My husband called me to see if I could text him the tickets but I missed the call because I was in the shower. I called him back within 5 minutes and did end up getting him the tickets. They both got into the game on time, nothing about their plans were changed or altered.

But, my husband berated me over the phone and through text for hours afterwards and really the whole rest of the weekend. He told me I was too immature and he never should have married me so young. That I was such a disappointment to him as a wife, I failed him. Just screaming, yelling at me no matter what I said. Again, it wasn’t my job to bring the tickets and he never asked me to be ready for a call. In fact, I’m the only reason they got into the game. But me missing the call because I was in the shower was unforgivable. In reality, the chance they wouldn’t get into the game made my husband extremely anxious. Because I didn’t respond and “fix” his anxiety right away, I am to blame for him having to bear that anxiety.

Or last year on vacation, our daughter was one at the time and we were driving about 12 hours to the beach and we split it into two days. He was screaming, yelling at EVERYTHING. How he hated this vacation, how I better make the baby shut up (so I’m in the backseat whispering pleas to the baby not to cry as dad is screaming). At one point, he was screaming about how embarrassed he was about behaving this was but still screaming. Then he went on to act like nothing happened and have a great vacation. He doesn’t understand why I’ve shown no imitative to plan a vacation this year. That experience just killed any desire I have to travel.

Just incident after incident like this. Calling me at work to chew me out over laundry or dishes. I’m the breadwinner by a very wide margin so my job is very important to our family. He demands I answer every time he calls and he doesn’t care if I cry about it or my coworkers hear. I do cry easily when I’m upset, my husband has said many times that my tears don’t do anything for him and if anything, just make him more angry.

In my view, he wants to be prioritized at all times because he is too emotionally reactive to handle things when they go wrong. So someone has to be ensuring they go right. I had to be induced at my 38 week appointment. I had packed my hospital bag just in case but they didn’t let me get it from my car before they put me in the maternity ward. So when my husband arrived, he had to get my bag from my car. When he got to the room, he said I needed to apologize to him because I didn’t describe the location of my car well enough so it took him longer than necessary to get my bag. Because of that, I was inconsiderate to him because I inconvenienced him. Keep in mind, I was actively in bed, with my water broken, in labor while he demanded this apology. It took him probably 10-15 minutes to go from my room, get the bag, and come back.

As I said earlier, I don’t think he believes at all anymore. He is very firm that we are equal partners in marriage and life, which I agree with. But, he has so much more power than me and overrules me on decisions. I am naturally conflict averse and more timid, my husband thrives in conflict. I can’t out argue or out yell him. So it feels like he wants me to bring in money and work around the house at a MINIMUM 50/50 with him (although I out earn him and do more housework) but he wants the authority. I’m fine with submission, but he doesn’t want to lead me with gentleness and care. I feel that what he truly wants is me to submit to making sure nothing ever goes wrong to trigger him. If it does, I need to bear the weight of it so he has something to externalize his emotions onto. Of course, that’s not possible. But I have tried and I cannot convince him that he sets impossible standards for me or has no grace for me.

Obviously, I am not objective in this situation and I have my own biases. I’m sure that my husband could raise many legitimate instances of me not being the best spouse. My husband has always worked hard for our family. He does help out more around the house than most husbands. He did half of the overnights with our daughter and watches her twice a week all on his own. He’s not a deadbeat and does contribute.

I’m also aware I’m not perfect. But, it’s not an exaggeration to say that 95% of our fights are started by him telling me about how I’ve done something wrong, been lazy, disappointed him, someone in my family has done something and I didn’t handle it right, etc. I feel like I am being crushed emotionally.

But, he also wants to hold me every night and have me comfort him always. I feel that he wants my gentleness and softness but does not want to return that to me. I don’t know, again, I’m not objective. I’m just overwhelmed.

It’s not all like this. In 2026, it seemed like my prayers for him had been answered and things had turned around. He was totally understanding, gentle, our connection and intimacy blossomed! I told my therapist that it was truly an answer to prayer. But two weeks ago, it started back up again over dog food and now it’s the same pattern.

When I talk to him, he says that I am overly sensitive and I’m making a much bigger deal of this than it is. Also, that I AM at fault for the things he blames me for and I do deserve this treatment. He will acknowledge that he’s said things to me that no one should say if they want to remain married. But, if I wouldn’t have done x, y, z, he wouldn’t have reacted that way. He always says I can’t read him and anticipate his needs. Maybe I am sensitive! It is possible that when he says “you f***ing suck, have the day you deserve” he’s only 4/10 upset. But, comments like that still really hurt me and he says I’m not able to take criticism from him. I do think there’s truth in that. Although I’d contribute that to being heavily criticized for years.

I am trying to be a witness to him through my actions. I know that I’m representing Christ to him and our daughter. It’s also very important to me that I’m doing the right thing even if that means I “lose” the fight. But, I’m losing ALL of the time. I can’t handle the pressure of being a full time employee in a management role, a mother, I have a ton of household responsibilities, I do all of the finances and bills, and have a husband who puts so much pressure on me. I feel like I can’t emotionally keep it together anymore. My endurance is running out.

What do I do? I’ve been praying for years, do I just keep praying? Are there things I should be doing that I haven’t tried? I feel so crushed and totally flattened emotionally, spiritually, everything. I really need some advice and encouragement.