Need a second opinion
I’m embarrassed to post this but it has been weighing on my mind on whether or not this was considered SA. I feel so torn and upset and I’ve been spiraling as a result of it. Please don’t be mean and make me feel shitty in the comments I feel bad enough. I’m autistic and struggle to read certain cues and situations more than the average person. But anyways. There was no penetration and it was just kissing and dry humping according to him but I’m still uncomfortable he did that while I was so blacked out I don’t remember.
So basically I’m friends with this guy and he caught feelings for me but I politely rejected him and tried to move on because I’m asexual. I don’t wanna have sex. I very rarely experience sexual attraction if at all and I’ve told him this. I went to his house as I’ve done before because we’ve been friends or a long time and used to be roommates. Anyways, I am a recovering benzo and opiate addict. I ended up relapsing on a lot of benzos and blacked out for days. During that time, I went to his house but I have no recollection of it at all. The whole time I was there. I only knew after the fact because of him telling me and looking at my phone when I was conscious enough to do so again. He claims that he thought the Xanax ‘wore off’ and that it was true consent because I said I wanted to but I feel like it wasn’t? I genuinely don’t remember this at all?? And on my Snapchat I was literally falling over while taking this random video at his house and clearly looked intoxicated. I couldn’t even tell you what I wore or if I packed a bag or what I had to eat or drink that day. I don’t even remember getting into his car when he picked me up. His story also changes every time we talk about it. First he said I didn’t seem high enough to not know what was going on but then he said he didn’t like the way I was acting so how was I acting? Which one is it. I still feel violated either way I just need a second opinion because I feel disgusting and like I’m losing my mind. For context I went though like 50 pills in 4 days… and I had no tolerance because I was sober for at least a year.
This makes me really uncomfortable that he made out with me and dry humped me as he claims when I don’t remember any of it and he knew I was really high. He claims I said yes. He was a safe person for me and this feels like a huge violation of my trust especially because he also knows about my previous trauma with being raped. There was no penetration but it still feels wrong. Am I in the wrong? Or am I justified to not be friends with him anymore? I’ll probably delete this soon but I have nowhere to reach out for support and idk if I’m even justified in feeling this bad because it is my fault but it still feels shitty and then he acted like I was the one who hurt him when I said it made me uncomfortable. He said he asked me multiple times if it was okay and I supposedly said yes but I don’t think I believe him when he says he didn’t know I was still blacked out or high… it just doesn’t add up.