forced exposure therapy
hey all, wanted to give an update/put this into words rq because i don’t see my therapist until next week and just had something major happen. my neighbor asked me to feed her cat till next week.
im weirdly excited. i think this could be an incredible opportunity to take the steps me and my therapist have been working towards. my biggest issue is being able to put my outside shoes on and come back into my apartment without needing to mop and it’s fucking exhausting. i keep my shoes outside my apartment, the issue isn’t wearing shoes inside, it’s my feet touching the inside of the shoes. it’s insane and i don’t even remember when it started. but i don’t leave my apartment to avoid mopping. it’s the most isolating compulsion i have because it limits me to my apartment 24/7 unless it’s a day i set aside to leave/clean/mop.
i’ll need to feed kitty twice daily, and there is just no way i can keep up this compulsion. i’ll be forced to confront it, and accept that my floor will be ‘dirty’ from the inside of my shoes and whatever my feet have come into contact with and contaminated in my shoes. holy hell. can i really do this? i sincerely hope so. i want to BE DIRTY because it means i get to be human, to be alive, to experience life to a quality that i deserve.
anyway, thanks for reading, if anyone has any tips or words of encouragement it would mean a lot. my thing lately has been phrases of acceptance and i’m definitely going to need to use them. god i hope i can cope.